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#1 |
ghost in the matrix
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Covington, KY
Posts: 4,563
Battle Record: 14-25
Champed - Art of Writing League (x2)
- Lime Green Poetry Association
Rep Power: 8181113 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
![]() ![]() They said chivalry's dead as the litany spread Dismally heads hung as our dignity bled. Vivid visions fed off our pride and egotism, Till sin gripped us all in blissful hedonism. Sex above all! Let the rest address the thrall, What's next? Congest the blessed and stress the best is left to crawl! If you're not perfect you're not worth it; let the slurs interject, Disrespected, misdirected, let our emotions resurrect. Hope fades with a slow haze that provokes the most praise, So we stand idle as the rope frays; breaks and blows away. There once was a time when our minds demanded modesty, but obviously that time's past and all we want is honesty. White lies revealed the black hearted motives, now primal urges reign without proper diagnosis. Humanity's ruined; viewed from the eyes of our kids, Either fuck or be fucked, let the violence in. Let the violins play let he violets grow, maybe chivalry will survive, maybe we'll never know. Maybe we'll despise what we've all feared to loathe; Ourselves
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#2 |
ghost in the matrix
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Covington, KY
Posts: 4,563
Battle Record: 14-25
Champed - Art of Writing League (x2)
- Lime Green Poetry Association
Rep Power: 8181113 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
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Anything?
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#3 |
Mad fucking dangerous.
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 12,066
Battle Record: 40-19
Champed - AOWL Season 3
- Art of Writing League (2x)
Rep Power: 85899406 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
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This was really good. Your writing has improved dramatically since the beginning of Season 2, in terms of both mechanics and diction. There were a few too many forced rhymes, like "Congest the blessed" and a few others. I think you rode too many internal but simple rhymes. But I really liked the ending, up until "ourselves." I thought that last word was unnecessary and cut into the open-ended finish.
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I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws. |
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