A look at ourselves

YDK · 02-27-2014, 01:20 AM

They said chivalry's dead as the litany spread
Dismally heads hung as our dignity bled.
Vivid visions fed off our pride and egotism,
Till sin gripped us all in blissful hedonism.
Sex above all! Let the rest address the thrall,
What's next?
Congest the blessed and stress the best is left to crawl!
If you're not perfect you're not worth it;
let the slurs interject,
Disrespected, misdirected, let our emotions resurrect.
Hope fades with a slow haze that provokes the most praise,
So we stand idle as the rope frays; breaks and blows away.
There once was a time when our minds demanded modesty,
but obviously that time's past and all we want is honesty.
White lies revealed the black hearted motives,
now primal urges reign without proper diagnosis.
Humanity's ruined; viewed from the eyes of our kids,
Either fuck or be fucked, let the violence in.
Let the violins play let he violets grow,
maybe chivalry will survive,
maybe we'll never know.
Maybe we'll despise what we've all feared to loathe;
Ourselves

YDK · 02-28-2014, 10:44 PM

Anything?

Certain · 02-28-2014, 10:49 PM

This was really good. Your writing has improved dramatically since the beginning of Season 2, in terms of both mechanics and diction. There were a few too many forced rhymes, like "Congest the blessed" and a few others. I think you rode too many internal but simple rhymes. But I really liked the ending, up until "ourselves." I thought that last word was unnecessary and cut into the open-ended finish.

02-27-2014, 01:20 AM	#1
YDK ghost in the matrix Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Covington, KY Posts: 4,563 Battle Record: 14-25 Champed - Art of Writing League (x2) - Lime Green Poetry Association Rep Power: 8181113	A look at ourselves They said chivalry's dead as the litany spread Dismally heads hung as our dignity bled. Vivid visions fed off our pride and egotism, Till sin gripped us all in blissful hedonism. Sex above all! Let the rest address the thrall, What's next? Congest the blessed and stress the best is left to crawl! If you're not perfect you're not worth it; let the slurs interject, Disrespected, misdirected, let our emotions resurrect. Hope fades with a slow haze that provokes the most praise, So we stand idle as the rope frays; breaks and blows away. There once was a time when our minds demanded modesty, but obviously that time's past and all we want is honesty. White lies revealed the black hearted motives, now primal urges reign without proper diagnosis. Humanity's ruined; viewed from the eyes of our kids, Either fuck or be fucked, let the violence in. Let the violins play let he violets grow, maybe chivalry will survive, maybe we'll never know. Maybe we'll despise what we've all feared to loathe; Ourselves __________________

02-28-2014, 10:44 PM	#2
YDK ghost in the matrix Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Covington, KY Posts: 4,563 Battle Record: 14-25 Champed - Art of Writing League (x2) - Lime Green Poetry Association Rep Power: 8181113	Anything? __________________

02-28-2014, 10:49 PM	#3
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	This was really good. Your writing has improved dramatically since the beginning of Season 2, in terms of both mechanics and diction. There were a few too many forced rhymes, like "Congest the blessed" and a few others. I think you rode too many internal but simple rhymes. But I really liked the ending, up until "ourselves." I thought that last word was unnecessary and cut into the open-ended finish. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.