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#1 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
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![]() I rarely do ‘poetics’. There’s no reason, just saying perhaps inspired by this cool breeze and seasonal change as brewed beans ease the strain - stuck in this rhythm two days before due date… Hmmm…!! Observe this juxtaposition But I’ll need some assistance...cant do this all on my own Presenting... ~The Last Leaf*~ By Angkor and Oliver Holmes I saw him once before, As he passed by the door, And again The pavement stones resound, As he totters o’er the ground With his cane. Life’s an intricate system of “tension” and “change” spanning far beyond subatomic physical plane observe the pacing, disaccharidase, digital age idle intolerance; an argument for Heidegger’s claim “Inanimate object”! Heh...ironic twist of conjugal fate At least in this context; marriage, mix...lethargic exchange They say that in his prime, Ere the pruning-knife of Time Cut him down, Not a better man was found By the Crier on his round Through the town. *Movement now* - Aspiration! Daddy made it clear “Whatever goal you set for yourself, you have to lay with care See, success is a habit; Simple pattern of fear Mistakes will be made. It’ll either make you great or end your career!” Primed for the world; armed with strong core philosophy I picture: Oak desk, windows abroad and large office suite But now he walks the streets, And looks at all he meets Sad and wan, And he shakes his feeble head, That it seems as if he said, “They are gone.” “Amanda, hold my calls please”.. the smell of roast coffee permeates this early hour fiasco looking down from my office tower...powerful. bold. silk ties, bitches lined up for hours of sex First you get the money...then comes the power, respect 35 years of age primed - so proven, sure… then her voice…the voice..”Sir, excuse me, sir... ...HEY YOU!! Can i have my fucking change please??” “Sorry ma’am, here you go - two dollars eighty-three” ___________ *http://www.eldritchpress.org/owh/ll.html |
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#2 |
The COAT...
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: BC, Canada
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This was weird, but I liked it. It had a cinematic presentation, contained knowledge leaving me feeling like I learned some facts of life. Felt as though you progressively built momentum throughout the verse and my craving for a stellar ending was granted. The twist was presented really well and capped off the verse nicely. Well done, I rarely see your drops but when I do they always bring something creative and enjoyable
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#3 |
nok Su kow
Join Date: Jan 2013
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Interesting piece.
Kept me reading. Well done.
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"black as midnight..black as pitch blacker than the soul of the foulest witch" |
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#4 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2001
Posts: 3,228
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Whattup? It's Frank. I haven't had a chance to comment on your shit for some time now. Last piece I remember reading of yours under the lexicon mantra was "life of eye". Creative writing, still resonates with m because of the attention to detail, mainly format and structuring. This makes your work quite distinguishable. I was looking for a leaf shape to magically appear but it never happened. I think you have the skill to take format structuring to the next level. You set the bar high with " i" Now I expect every piece to have a symbolic shape or I feel as though you should just type your verse out regular and leave the centering and funny font alone.
I enjoyed the oak desk line as well as the early morning fiasco line. Good to see you around, Keep writing
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#7 |
The Dominican Prince
Join Date: Aug 2013
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Angkor, I have been on record stating that your flawless presentation and creative way of displaying your piece were my biggest influence. I always said that making your piece visually appealing helps the read.
This was poetry. I was expecting exceptual rhymes but got something else. Poetry isnt about rhyme but carrying an emotion and painting a canvass. "Life’s an intricate system of “tension” and “change” spanning far beyond subatomic physical plane observe the pacing, disaccharidase, digital age idle intolerance; an argument for Heidegger’s claim “Inanimate object”! Heh...ironic twist of conjugal fate At least in this context; marriage, mix...lethargic exchange" life is a rollercoaster ride of emotions, heartbreak and exceptance. you summed this up perfectly. dopeness "silk ties, bitches lined up for hours of sex First you get the money...then comes the power, respect" my favorite line. In the end, I'm assuming that the guy lived in a fantasy world of women, fancy cars and silk suits. I guess after all the fantasizing we do about what we want in life it all ends and comes crashing back to reality eventually. deep insight as usual. always dopeness and my invitation for a collabo still stands. |
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#8 |
rhyme capsule.
Join Date: Sep 2018
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first of all, that weren't no sympathy bump, son. that's the sun setting in Angkor. the city, nignog. or it's rising, i can't remember.
what up. you have some interesting approaches to your writing. i find it curious because it's probably so different to mine. i find you have predetermined concepts in mind, a skeletal frame, and you flesh it out as you write. i'm sort of scatter brained so i rarely have a single, developed, concept in mind. i'm more of a melting pot -- your offerings are specific deli***ies on the special section of a menu. i'm not sure why the word disaccharidase was in there. made me think of monosaccharides... and school. your three sections were ostensibly self-contained, or certainly strong enough to support themselves. you have a wit about your style i enjoy, generally. you could tighten up your writing from a purely technical, and grammatical, aspect. but it's alright. i think this is the second time i've read a business-orientated piece from you, although the other was much more focused on the sway you can purchase on the victim (or reader) with constructed idiosyncrasies. you use dialog well. this felt more like a reflection on causal aspects -- how and why an individual can be cut-throat. or have an aimless ambition. or fail, right? you constructed something of a conceit, again... i remember a piece about a pathological flirt and a psychiatrist. i think it was the one you beat me with. that misdirected the reader more handily than this one. but yea, i enjoyed it. just feel like i should read it again. like, i actually don't know why you interspersed the verse with parts of that poem? from which you also took the title? i'm going to peep that link at another time when my mind isn't burnt out from writing essays on Coleridge/Yeats. pz. THIS IS A SYMPATHY BUMP |
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#9 |
_Al_GO_RYTHMIC
Join Date: May 2013
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I like the way you describe the man with the cane
passing by day after day it was an interesting approach. "I saw him once before, As he passed by the door, And again The pavement stones resound, As he totters o’er the ground With his cane." The next part seemed to describe the change in times from the old mans perspective and how it affects and inflicts him. Again a very unique approach! "Life’s an intricate system of “tension” and “change” spanning far beyond subatomic physical plane observe the pacing, disaccharidase, digital age idle intolerance; an argument for Heidegger’s claim “Inanimate object”! Heh...ironic twist of conjugal fate At least in this context; marriage, mix...lethargic exchange" From here it seemed to go into a dream of what could have been for the man career wise but ended up waking up in a dead end job. Great read!
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