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#1 |
consults Lloyd
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 4,053
Battle Record: 0-8
Champed -1-2 Punch League Roast
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I've got a suburban like stare. That perverted type. Player
in his dad's suburban, searching for twerking white squares. My serving size scares little Betty bulimic. I'm Freddy emceeing. Better believe it when I use this machete to cleave with. Steady diseasing the thesis with clever secretions from my head. There's no demons screaming. Heavy I'm breathing in your receiver. Hey, Heather, you see this? I shred your sweater to pieces with this wood chipper. It looks different than Steve Buscemi's. You dopes interested in Heaven won't for a second off -er a second thought to questions I never stop pressing. It's evident how depressing it's gotten. I keep checking the clock. Am I really still stressing to watch my efforts? It's not like I'm in the running for any medals. I've got medicine drops to administer. Dinner to pepper and chop. In my head, on the job of letters. I jot just to steady the constant levee of thoughts pouring over the ledge of my noggin. And often it's not legible. Lost it, but still set at the coffee table and wrangle consonants. Angle assonance, saying common shit, like, 'I bodied it!' just so the audience can applaud and get what I'm offering. Pandering manuscripts. I hammer the handles, just so amateurs are secure and understand there's a landing strip we're landing in. Quick, call the ambulance, I'm panicking. There's a mannequin Santa taking all my Ambien. I went to Vegas on a family trip and got naked with my Nana, then raped both my Auntie's with cancer sticks. I'm ripping the corset at the corners. I'm fixing to force this smorgasbord of whore to satisfy my hunger pains. Hunger ain't a game, Jennifer Lawrence. I'll stuff my face with any of your tits. Won't be skinny no more, if I dust my plate of all your cunt. Amazed. Your clit is enormous. My dick is just gorging. 30 minutes of porking this piggy. Then snorted off her stomach. Drank out her belly button. She got peanut butter and jelly stuffing. My phone only rings when someone's trying to sell me something. I've got no one to talk to, so I keep 'em on the phone as long as possible. Tell 'em that my girl thinks thongs are optional. That I need to work out my abdominal. That my snowman's abominable. Better not fucking tell, slut. I'll get that muzzle weld shut. Better clutch that held tongue or I'm gonna sell lungs so you can't run or yell. Plug that busted well. Must I trouble Ben Stiller for a warm glass of shut the hell up, for you to hush and quell, dunce? For real, your voice is just raking across four chalk boards. Fuck, go embroider a blanket. Roll a joint, or get naked. Cook me some bacon. Last edited by dull boy; 11-28-2013 at 03:09 AM. |
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#2 |
PROVEN BITER
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Wolverhampton, England
Posts: 285
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dope as fuck with the scheming and all
didn't like the Steve Buschemi line, thought the Steve rhyme was off slightly, don't like the use of 'gotten' ever, surburban you used twice close together which i'm never keen on doing, these are just me being oicky though nice key bruh |
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#3 |
nok Su kow
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,505
Battle Record: 1-1
Rep Power: 51788022 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
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Four lines in and it's leagues ahead of ill nika's wack stuff. Go figure.
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"black as midnight..black as pitch blacker than the soul of the foulest witch" |
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#4 |
obsessed
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: fucka idiyote
Posts: 5,709
Battle Record: Faggot-1
Accomplishments - can recite entirety of shrek 2
Champed - tangoed with spider man behind scenes in spider-man 2
- was candidate for gerber baby 3x
- smush parker like bb comment on instagram saying "u fucka suck idiyote"
- smush beer on head and didn't cry
- parallel parked in between 2 ferrari's in tonky truck once
- when saying pledge of allegiance i said "i don't" lmao deadass bb satan
- won tshirt from taco bell saying "taco cat" is the same backwards for filling out 500 surveys in a
- neighbor house caught on fire i call FIRE department and saved lives, was in newspaper
- set neighbor house on fire lmao
- fuck neighbor husband and wife
- first fish caught resembled david ortiz
- colin kaepernick
- related to genghis khan
- elected assistant to the vice president assistant to the president for regional chess club
- never lost game of hide and seek
Rep Power: 8599682 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
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the less serious tone is very soothing for the second half. could feel the depression kept at bay. Or at least under any type of influence.
Maybe it was purely influenced. Hm. Nice |
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#5 |
rhyme capsule.
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 2,150
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enjambment makes my dick hard.
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#6 |
Mad fucking dangerous.
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 12,066
Battle Record: 40-19
Champed - AOWL Season 3
- Art of Writing League (2x)
Rep Power: 85899406 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
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Your flow is better than anyone else's here. Your syllables run smooth, and you correct for proper annunciation. You even pull off, as oXuS, notes, enjambment, which is difficult in text form.
But why does Freddy have machetes? His fingers are blades.
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I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws. |
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#7 |
consults Lloyd
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 4,053
Battle Record: 0-8
Champed -1-2 Punch League Roast
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I had to look up enjambment. It's a lot easier to spot when I don't write in paragraphs. I hate that people, whether negatively or positively, see it as any big deal to write in 'paragraphs'. The style is much more fluid. Dropping down makes most people too structured. They forget they don't HAVE to end the thought there. Shruuuuugs.
I love that you point out logistic mistakes in my verses, it let's me know that when I do actually put forth the effort to have it make sense that someone will notice. ill nika isn't the brightest crayon. Thanks for noticing me. |
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#8 |
Mad fucking dangerous.
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 12,066
Battle Record: 40-19
Champed - AOWL Season 3
- Art of Writing League (2x)
Rep Power: 85899406 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
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Enjambment exists in paragraph format, too. I don't mind either way. The words are what's important.
The next time you write something not braggadocio and want to make it a collab, you should hit me up. I can't hang on these things, though. We could do prose, too.
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I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws. |
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#9 |
rhyme capsule.
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 2,150
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i wouldn't say it's difficult in text form. i mean i use it?! but i think i always have, though.
dull certainly does it well, particularly in terms of rhyme placement/emphasis. and yea this verse was good. |
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#10 |
consults Lloyd
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 4,053
Battle Record: 0-8
Champed -1-2 Punch League Roast
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I don't think it's difficult. Most people are just under the impression (partly due to battling) that bars need to conclude the thought.
I'll definitely get at you (lol) @Certain. |
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#11 |
V.V
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: .
Posts: 2,076
Battle Record: 31-20
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Amazing. Thanks for the feed too. This joint was the illest shit (I've read) up here in a while. Keep droppin.
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Ahem. |
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#12 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 408
Battle Record: 6-2
Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF
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Sucked. Didn't like most of it, but the lines I did like far superseded anything you just yawned and punched your lil keyboardz with.
I keep checking the clock. Am I really still stressing to watch hunger games sell me something betty bulimic |
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be unique plz, everyone's write swag |
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