Week 7 - Vividlyvague (4-2) vs. patrown (3-2) - VIVIDLYVAGUE WINS 6-0

[Mike Wrecka]

Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.


Topic





Good Luck @Vividlyvague @patrown

[e11even]

My presence is blessed to have met you and your purpose,
For in this junction I have met mine. You are thankful as I am welcome, I'm certain.



Sergeant, reporting for duty. Marksman. The formatted unruly.
My fight is fledgeling, civilians pledging I don't get to do me.
Fuck it. Pack of cigs and a light. Patrols per Top's order. ALRIGHT!!
Action, people!!! Yet, these aren't actionable people. Will we fight?
Charlies are too far off to shoot!!! What kind of war is this??
They should pass a census to whom this war's been gifted!
More than born for this shit!!! These gooks need a spanking!!
They call us green, yet these tree huggers are belaying our training!!
You burned our barracks... fanning flames, ironically, and moronically so.
And since your hopes are afloat, bask in that act as we ram gas down your throats!
This isn't Woodstock! This wood stock is attached to a carbine, It's our time!
In no way shape or form will you restrict me with a flower, peace and Keep Calm signs!
"Hold!" We're doing that! But students act, throwing rubble. We threw some back!!!
"Your!" -You're- what? You're stupid captain! Their rushing our position like a gook's attack!
"Fire!!" Fuck yea! Open up on these Char- oh shit... what are we doing??? Who's move was that?
"Cease fire!!! Cease fire!!!" Fuck... what are we all fighting for? Which view's intact?



I put on. Shoes, pants, blouse, and ideology equip my bare existence.
My soul is of insecurity... and is to no surprise I cloak its appearance.
We all need a cause and because that is true, there's an insistance...
That horns will meet, engage and permit a win to the persistent.
We are but the same, you and I. And for that, I resent what you are.
True to a name's label, an anomaly, blanketed by company from afar.
You all are the same as each other. Each's father and mother. Each story.
All think as one another, as it is plain, your ensuing predicament's mandatory.
I love that you are you. You make me proud to be me. Now...
With that said, our nature and the nature of our interaction's proof that love's foul.



ROTC cadet. Ready to succeed. After a degree comes Army fatigues.
Alarming to who'd say I'm charming, but jeez... I'm only starting to 'get' life and all that it means!
These lost and recovered hoist fists like flags of fortune. We barely grasped a task this enormous,
Simply speaking of opinion, versus pitchforks and torches.
Still, bettering gas deployments, unmasked. Alas, enjoyment!
Invigorating! The oppressive, mitigating... titillating. How groovy to have endured this!
I feel included. Complete. Or is it completely stupid?
Rallies speak, "Political pigs, your days are numbered!"... is 'Nam this big of a movement?
The fallacies proposed of students...
"We are going to eradicate the problem" ...as a means to an end of a nuisance?
Not an excuse to avoid the elephant in the room?! It's spitting on undug graves of doomed men!
Angered. Stewing. A renewed sense of this mood intrudes in.
Burning barracks, riots against the man. First Amendment at hand.
Drab jeeps and bull horns. Jeers from the shag heads, flowers and flipped birds- fight's chance.
Troops in the remote courtyard corner... kneeling stance?
Ironic they fire upon their past to precure their future. "I Can't Believe HE SHOT ME!!!" Damn.


My presence is blessed to have met you and your purpose,
For in this junction I have met mine. You are thankful as I am welcome, I'm certain.

[patrown]

it's hotter everyday on this side of the breeze,
on the right side of the tracks, far from residing in peace,
go to church every sunday, confide in a priest,
then pray a better me escapes some corner of being,
where this storm of flaws' growing swollen and red,
picked raw till there's a hole there instead, souls barren and dead,
bring home the bread and pick up after his fits,
cook dinner and douche often, squeeze together my tits,
never were rich, but the Robinson dinner's at the table each night, right?
never scream, my husbands only raping my mind, why..
..who would i tell? nothings enough, yet everyone else's perfect,
in the family pictures, i only look a little nervous,
anyways, all you ever see is the surface, it's full of smiling faces,
relying on Gods graces, radiating patience and ingratiating praises,
tension forms behind curtains, so i send my son out to play,
out a vicarious character, inheriting Dad's sorrow from back in the day,
but he sensed tomorrows importance, and the kid cherished it,
while other kids harassed him cuz his hands were downy soft embarassments,
he couldn't pound at all, handshakes lead to wincing grimaces,
and he always tried to stand up to a different image. its..
the line of scrimage "HUT HUTT," this gilligand's isle?
images of the skipper with his hat, berating my child..
he waited and smiled, til the ball smacked his dainty grasp
he faintly gasped, pig skin pegged to his saintly hands,
"RUN YOU SON OF A BITCH!" he said like a condescending bigot..
I didn't like that. said it right back, with a sarcastic tone,
met with a spastic moan, and an emphatically thrown hand to talk to,
that i tried to walk through, like i'd have fought too, but i dropped,
boom. lawsuit, rich. took the house and left the kid with the cops,
its the limits of options given to middle classes recipients,
leading to would be indigents society's turned to litigants,
where indifference to self creates omnipotent frail fingered wannabe's,
baby boomers consumed the middle class, giving birth to hand model nominees.

[Vulgar]

Vividlyvague - Of all the writers in this league, yours emanates the most power. The problem is your wording really needs work much of the time. Don't rush it, choose your rhyming words wisely, etc. I thought the premise of the verse was energetic and relevant. The opening and closing bar segment I wasn't feeling. A better alternative that was less vague/smoother sounding would've benefited this as a whole. Topically, you are a strong writer and continue to show it week after week.

patrown - Creative take on the topic in relation to the picture. Not as succinct as I would've liked in terms of "wrapping it all up" in presentation to the reader. The narrative aspect bordered on rambling slightly. The concept was to me about the feminization of men in society, done in a humorous way. The part where the wife yells at the dad is the best part of the verse, IMO. Hahah..

Vote - Vividlyvague

This was actually a close battle. Vividly's ending was ehh to me while patrown executed his better, but at the same time, Vividly had a more intriguing take on the topic and he did a thorough job of explaining the world behind his story. Good shit, gentlemen.

[PancakeBrah]

VividlyVague-

Well, I'm impressed. You wording was excellent throughout. Your rhymes were subtle, but substantive enough to warrant a positive remark. The way you characterized was top notch and with that type of writing being one of my favorites, I thoroughly enjoyed this. My only problem is the excessive use of exclamation points/non-period punctuation marks. I know you used them purposefully for effect but if you had not used them I feel this would have read much more solemn and matter of fact, which is in line with the picture. As it stands now the use of them captures the enthusiasm/confusion of the characters you wrote in, which I feel was your intended effect, but it's an overall negative for me. Regardless, this is the best piece I've read by you and my opinion of writing rose leaps and bounds due to it. Well done.

This isn't Woodstock! This wood stock is attached to a carbine, It's our time!
In no way shape or form will you restrict me with a flower, peace and Keep Calm signs!

Dope.

Patrown-

This was dope, as well. I like your style of writing, if this verse is indicative of it as a whole. The wording throughout was crisp without many spots where I felt it was clunky. You have a knack for unique phrasing and your rhyming was off-kilter yet fluid, which I enjoyed. You took a very tangential and metaphoric approach to the topic, which was okay in my opinion. Your voice was strong and techniques sound.

bring home the bread and pick up after his fits,
cook dinner and douche often, squeeze together my tits,

Best bar of the verse. Rhythm was great, the use of the first comma in the second line was great. Well written, communicated much.

This was a dope battle. The first I've read this week but I'd have to figure it's one of the better battles of the week. I think both writers wrote at the same level of skill, albeit with different nuances and slightly different styles. The tie-breaker, for me, is that I think Vivid's more straightforward approach to the topic may have made a strong impression on me.

v/ Vivid. Tough to call, both writers should be happy with their verses.

[breathless]

Man, this was sort of tough to decide on the vote part, but, I think what sealed it was the relation to the picture

Vag, you did a real nice job on the direct narration of the scenario, both side of it, with thoughts and actions from either one, you made it so if someone didn't know the history they could still get the jist of it. Your wordplay and unorthodox rhyming were pleasing, but, at times it seemed to kill the overall flow of it. You embodied a perspective of the times, gave a really distinct hippie vs military vibe with overtones of both not sure if what they were doing was right, but going with it because that is what they trained to be

Pat, as a standalone piece I liked this more, but the abstract take on the photo was hard to understand, still not exactly sure if I got it... More of the beta-male college boy's progression to the event where he gotshot and then the kid's take taking the lawsuit money and dipping on his family... I think? But, mechanics and flow wise this was killing it throughout, but even with that I feel the abstract take was a little too abstract

Vote - Vag

[Diode]

This should be battle of the week.

Vivid, you owe me for giving you background on that picture. I think it won you the round here.

Patrown had the more technically impressive verse. I loved the flow, the wording, the subject matter, and the story that was told. I did not make any connection whatsoever to the topic at hand, though.

Vivid told a great story from both perspectives. Some may knock a straightforward approach, but I think here, it suited his style of narrative particularly well. It read like a stage play - the call and answer technique was spectacular.

If patrown made me connect with the picture at all, I'd have to call it a near draw.. but he didn't. Maybe I missed something. Great story, but unrelated to what I see on my screen at the top of the page.

vote - Vividlyvague

[Inno]

this was a dope battle. both dropped some fucking fire. vivid i think took a chance and wrote a complex plot that tbh seemed to hve pulled it of with minor hiccups that really didn't effect to much overall..great storyline and character development bro...i thought that added so much depth to the story and it really cemented the dopeness of this piece..great writing bro..patrown was dope too with a more technically sound verse with a much better flow...dope story and dope scheme as well..loved the flow like diode said this read like a milk if milk could be read...any way really close battle but to tbh vivid did and excellent job paying attention to detail and writing and interesting storyline in my eyes...dope fucking battle though..

seethroughvag

[Certain]

Vividlyvague: This definitely was my favorite verse from you. I think you handle yourself much better when you have a clear topic in mind. There are serious shades of young Tom Wolfe in your frenetic writing style. If you haven't read him, I highly recommend The Bonfire of the Vanities, though it's long. Anyway, The start-and-stop wording worked for you this week because it was so important in developing your characters. But I do think your flow is just impossible to pick up, between the vast punctuation, the varied syllable counts and the disparity in rhyme quality. That's going to hold you back in battles against those who can equal your content, though not many will be able to if you write with this much purpose.

patrown:I have to admit that I can't figure out the relation to the topic here. I looked at the photo a bunch, and while I could see a possible backstory for the screaming woman, the connection to the actual photo and what's happening in it was vague, at best. Were you playing off her scream as a shout about her hand-modeling career? With that said, I did like your writing. You feed readers a lot of information without straining, and you keep it fluid. But you didn't do enough here.

Vote: Vividlyvague