Week 3 - breathless (0-1) vs. Innovator (0-2) - INNOVATOR WINS 7-5

Certain · 10-07-2013, 03:16 AM

Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.

Topic

Good Luck @breathless @Innovator

breathless · 10-08-2013, 08:11 AM

Just another day in the life...
of a common man without one...
The sun rays rise, complacent, trite,
laughing in the face of the proud son...

No matter what the outcome, there's an after to the "now what?"
... Another chapter ... Another cloud cover.
Whether its full spectrum or colored blacker than shrouds smother
the weather can't control when a person has doubts shuttered.

Heck no, just cut em off, burn the bridge and clear the pasture.
Left home with a cleft soul, but returned with his spirit tattered.
Seven years of bad luck adds up, cursing as that mirror shattered.
Fuck em all, it can't suck half as much as this clear disaster

of a "family"... A dad drunk with the power he doesn't have
and a tragically mad mother who cowers on the other hand.
But he's got the town, thought about bein prodigal once
with the need to get out of the ruts dug on solid grounds, he followed his gut.

What kicked that diabolical crutch quick from under him
was stickin' by his promise with such grit and wonderment
that nothing could keep him from runnin' its course.
He was done with these people, shunned by remorse.

Never one to resort to violence, he ignored the tyrants,
mortified by this sort of immortalized misguidance.
There's more to this guy's mind than what's stored behind scorned eyelids
but what's important, is why, its in the form of divine silence.

If the story's boring, but told with brushstrokes of glory
you must know its for me, gotta trust those four leafs.
Fuck no, pour me another drink, my luck broke...
A drunk flow about some old portrait of trees...

Just another day in the life...
of a common man without one...
The sun rays rise, complacent, trite,
laughing in the face of the proud son...

Inno · 10-10-2013, 10:26 PM

Callus fingertips misplace the skin it leaves behind
the aroma seeps, so thick its visible through a pin head’s spine
climbing, the wretched stench covers the layers of the sun
culminates at the tip of my thumb
humming at my eardrums with an angels harp
despair feathered from the skies in water shards
Pressed against my blood the floor colder than ice
spacious with echoes, no one’s been here in nights
the sun in hibernation all the time, while the moon
plays to an empty crowds eye, setting a empty mood
the spaces between the hills feels like a life time
and the touching of the air is something I disguise
black nights that spill over in a countless effort
fearing the shadows, clinging to the edges like sport
the thickness of the breeze is almost a substance
as the black uses it as sustenance
and why not..its in abundance, a perpetual dance.
But thats perspective in a glance

beauty in the beholder
ill hold the city up with my shoulders
cleaning every boulder
spit shining the grass that border
fine tuning its song within every chord
composing the shore.

My home needs acceptance from a familiar audience
A native son familiar to the hills and the river
Ill be the bravest one as the land breaks in fevers
I have an honest intent to repent the rains trying descend
the city never looked so innocent, the trees never smelled better
the rain never wetter, the water full of flavor.
the flowers feel vibrant and vivid in the dark.
I can see the smell…I can taste the bees.

shes still beautiful to me.

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23374
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23380
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23372

symetrik · 10-11-2013, 02:55 PM

breathless, strong usage of multisyllabics throughout,

Quote:

Left home with a cleft soul

Quote:

What kicked that diabolical crutch quick

Quote:

more to this guy's mind than what's stored behind scorned eyelids

Although I really wished you had used "man" here, as well a better segue into the next line besides "lids"
would have killed it with something like:
"There's more to this man's mind than what's stored behind scorned eyes, since..."

Quote:

gotta trust those four leafs.
Fuck no, pour me another drink, my luck broke

etc.

innovator, some parts had some great potential,

Quote:

spacious with echoes, no one’s been here in nights
the sun in hibernation all the time

just didn't quite hit the mark, but was so close

Quote:

and the touching of the air is something I disguise

not sure if you meant despise or you disguise your existence.
could be deep, could be a typo.

all in all, innovator's drop was lackluster, he rhymed things together but didn't write them together if you feel me (one or two spots could have been dope though).
breathless, while some things could definitely be improved, had a much more solid drop all around.

vote: breahtless

Mr. J · 10-11-2013, 05:18 PM

Both had some a nice approach to what they were writing about
due to the landscaping you both had a chance to make your story open-ended
which is a good way to handle a piece such as this

Breathless, It seems like you are finding your stride now
which is good because it shows in your writing as you progress
you had some nice couplets as well as a flow to match it
I feel your skill is really starting to showcase itself as you continue on
your piece reflected the ideal of a person living in this village
and it came out great, you added some nice imagery as well
it kept the piece fresh..

Innovator, You had a very visual approach to your piece
you took the picture as is and really added to the landscape
it gave it an ideal feel as you wrote further into the piece
I felt that you focused more on the vibe of the town rather a person
which is great in my eyes, it adds a different aspect to the battle

tbh I enjoyed both pieces and one's approach was different from the other
which really makes this battle based on the better approach
I feel Breathless came in and added character to a picture of the village
while Innovator gave the effects of the village, I quite enjoyed that
but when it comes down to it, I feel Innovator was more thorough with his idea

v/Innovator

Spoken · 10-11-2013, 07:15 PM

Breath- by got you had that eminem vibe for some reason stuck in my head just more on the poetic side.. you came with anger yet came about it with your wording where you displayed the right emotions at the right time. idk i just felt you were smart in developing a lead and having one interested in staying focused. i cant say muich really cause it was a wonderful piece.

Innovator- sup broseph been a while my dude but this here was such a scatter show of brilliance but it still inked cohesive creativity. the style you came with was the same as most i had read from you but its an effective approach and i cant knock on anything from you either cause your writing is your writing.... and i felt you wrote the piece to the best of its extent... on your part. the storyline was nice and productive and it evolved as it went on and wasnt stuck.. line for line was fluid and transitioned with consistency from your content and metaphors being creative. props

both came nice honestly.... i liked both approached and both came with a dialect of similiar traits but execution and enjoyment is the key factor for the winner in my eyes.... and i got innovator by a smidgen... thanks for dropping you guys

Just Write · 10-11-2013, 09:52 PM

Never one to resort to violence, he ignored the tyrants,
mortified by this sort of immortalized misguidance.
There's more to this guy's mind than what's stored behind scorned eyelids
but what's important, is why, its in the form of divine silence.

breathless, really dug your flow here man. and i don't think i've read a lot from you but this verse really impressed me. good shit

Pressed against my blood the floor colder than ice
spacious with echoes, no one’s been here in nights
the sun in hibernation all the time, while the moon
plays to an empty crowds eye, setting a empty mood
the spaces between the hills feels like a life time
and the touching of the air is something I disguise
black nights that spill over in a countless effort
fearing the shadows, clinging to the edges like sport

inno,
my dude i like your style and the way you write, like i was tell in NYC you too are very poetic, i just wish you wouldn't be so simple on the single syllable rhyming. i think if you could pick that up you'd be vicious

mvgt= breathless for just a smoother read and take on the pic IMO

Scripter · 10-11-2013, 10:12 PM

I thought both were great reads. You are both excellent writers but I liked breathless a little more on this one.
It really wasn't a question of better for me, but which was more interesting to me in the way it was written. I thought they were evenly matched as far as writing skill.

V-Breathless

Adonis · 10-12-2013, 01:07 AM

Breth - So I'll be honest, I starter liking the cluttered flow but grew tired of it as I progressed. What I mean by cluttered is every bar it seems has a different by wide margin syllable count, then the lines with in lines are also very different which hurts the flow...Example.

"But he's got the town, thought about bein prodigal once
with the need to get out of the ruts dug on solid grounds, he followed his gut."

the flow is decent, but it's just cluttered, as if you tried to fit in one too many inners or you just needed to shorten the length by a word or two. The other issue I had is the broken sentences between two bars let alone two stanza's. I.e "it can't suck half as much as this clear disaster... of a "family"...

Just too many breaks in flow while reading it. as far as the story itself, I took it as face value in that you literally writing in first person giving us a peer into a drunken soul struggling with the demons which hit me very close to home as I'm currently battling my demons trying to get sober and seeking the help of others, so on that front I felt the story due to the close meaning in my personal life. I think you have mad talent, but in this case, maybe less is more, meaning less rhymes as far as inners, not less as words or story length. Nice drop either way, elevate.

Inno - I liked the approach, not so much execution, especially last stanza as far as rhyme scheme. But that last stanza as far as depth was the best part, I just wish it had more rhymes I guess. Also felt like a lack of inners, but the writing as a piece on face value conveyed a nice message and resonates. I enjoyed the verse to say the least, but there were some wording issues but nothing I couldn't say that didn't exceed the issues of breath.

I got inno in a close match. The reason being I felt he better used the pic as a topic in words, painting a illuminating a nice poetic "vibe" or emotion with language.

Angkor · 10-12-2013, 05:56 PM

Breath - i like this, man. Really dug your take on the picture. A man's home is his castle but this family/home is shadowed by dark clouds. It was a pretty personal piece. I think it paints (no pun intended) a blurred visual of a frustrated individual who isn't quite sure of the direction he's heading in life, pointing to domestic raising as part of the reason? I used the word blurred because i don't think the author was clear on reason behind his predicament - even alluding to fate:

Quote:

There's more to this guy's mind than what's stored behind scorned eyelids
but what's important, is why, its in the form of divine silence.

Technically speaking i thought this was ill. Lots of slants but the rhyming was, IMO, impressive. The rhythm was definitely there, i thought. This was a great showing and quite a leap from last week's verse. salute my man.

Inno - Dope,dawgie. This pic was made specifically for ur style. First off, I really think you should cultivate this style. It has your trademark "poetic" you just need to up the technical aspect of text writing and you'll be a force to reckon. My minor issue here is that it relied almost entirely on end-rhyme. I'm not a lyrical snob and can easily overlook technical flaw (or more appropriately 'weakness') but with ur penchant for wording, I have to let u know that if u have the rhyming mechanic to match...you'd be pretty scary for anybody to be matched up against. As far as content, it's a very dope homage to "home". Not sure if it's used metaphorically to describe your affection for your family or a straight forward tribute to your environment, whatever the case is, it was written full of affection which i'm sure was the intent.

Vote - Innovator. I thought Breathless had a more creative take on the picture but overall execution, i got Innovator taking it based on enjoyment and vibe.

Zen · 10-12-2013, 06:42 PM

breathless- Very nice showing this week. You have a unique way with words. Allot of the lines rolled off of the tongue almost effortlessly because of the alliteration you used. Very nice. Definitely an improvement over your drop last week. I got my eye on you my friend.
Inno- I think this was your best performance so far in this league. Like Lexicon said this picture was tailor made for you man. You brought an excellent piece this week that was poetic, and I loved it. Bravo.

Great battle here, but I think Inno edges it.

Certain · 10-13-2013, 01:19 AM

breathless: The way you wrote this seemed from the outset to explore your displeasure with this topic. That's not a good attitude, though it's a relatable one in these leagues. Sometimes, the topics suck. Do what you can. Anyway, I like your writer's voice. You set up lines well and have a good sense of rhythm. But your content lacks, from both a macro and micro perspective. This verse didn't go anywhere, to the point where you admitted it didn't really go anywhere. But on top of that, there really wasn't any standout section. Mostly you reveled in clichés. If you're going to write about a topic as common as this, you really need to push for quotables, original concepts and wordplay to keep it feeling fresh. Or spice up the flow a bit with deeper rhymes. This verse needed something, some sort of seasoning.

Innovator: I liked the approach, which fit the topic well. The writing was more uneven. Your thoughts don't connect as well as they should, and it feels like I'm coming to a halt at a lot of your end rhymes. Part of that is the simplicity of your rhyme scheme. Weaving in more rhymes helps improve the fluidity of everything, making those end rhymes feel less like an obligation. But you also seem to try to fit entire thoughts into every line every time. You shift sentence subjects a lot. It feels like you're trying to cram a ton into every line, new images and new thoughts and new everything, instead of taking time to develop. There are occasionally flashes of brilliance in most of your verses, more here than the past two weeks for sure, but too often you come across as clunky. I'd like to see you push for more coherence and smoothness, perhaps using a direct storytelling verse (a la Slick Rick) as a test attempt, be it for next week or an open mic verse or something else. Still, I thought you won here because you approached the topic better and had more interesting content.

Vote: Innovator

breathless · 10-13-2013, 07:51 PM

http://netcees.co/showpost.php?p=178803&postcount=9
http://netcees.co/showpost.php?p=178796&postcount=9
http://netcees.co/showpost.php?p=178758&postcount=8

YDK · 10-14-2013, 01:14 AM

Tbh breathless you really had me hooked with your verse man, the flow was very smooth an you used the pic well. The line about you being drunk and talkin about a painting killed it tho, like even if that is your approach or "reveal line" it still felt like you just gave up at the end. Solid all the way through till then tho.
inno you also had a strong verse although the flow wasn't as flow it was a more creative take and you followed it through. Good shit
My vote goes to inno for the more complete verse

e11even · 10-14-2013, 02:11 AM

Breathless- Damn. I liked the potency of the content once it started to round out. Above par rhyming and syllabic prowess throughout, almost no complaints in that department. I really dug how personal this felt. IMO, personal angles come off more genuine and aggressively portrayed. For the most part, this was no different. Solid piece.

Inno- Great descriptive display and decent word choices. Those were definitely the stronger points. Abstract ideas came into play and elaborated well on the topic. There seemed to be several angles at work here, where depending on the section, it had a separate feel and idea to me. I'm not sure if that's bad or good tbh. Overall, interesting work, and its a bit of a deviation from the storytelling trends these portraits tend to inspire.

I feel as though both you guys would win under different criteria. But seeing as how this would be an overall vote, I'll go with my gut on this technically and story-wise, verses the more abstract descriptive lane. MVGT Breathless. Good job to both of you guys.

patrown · 10-14-2013, 02:18 AM

breathless - i took your whole piece as an observation one type of character. so not to say i could pick out a "hero" from your piece, as much as you delved into a collectively dark psyche. a state of denial, brought on by a lifetime of wrong decisions. an outlook shadowed by an overly critical father. you were poetic throughout, but i had diffculties trying to really patch it together and take from your verse an entire meaning that corresponded with the picture.
A drunk flow about some old portrait of trees... "no."

innovator - I tried my best to pick out a solid theme from your piece, and i just couldn't. but i do feel you used some excellent imagery. like here..

humming at my eardrums with an angels harp
despair feathered from the skies in water shards
Pressed against my blood the floor colder than ice
spacious with echoes, no one’s been here in nights
the sun in hibernation all the time, while the moon
plays to an empty crowds eye, setting a empty mood

it feels great. sounds good. but when i search for meaning from it, i just couldnt find anything to chew on. you can taste the bees? hm. sounds painful. but seriously... this is solid.

A native son familiar to the hills and the river
Ill be the bravest one as the land breaks in fevers
I have an honest intent to repent the rains trying descend
the city never looked so innocent, the trees never smelled better
the rain never wetter, the water full of flavor.
the flowers feel vibrant and vivid in the dark.
I can see the smell…I can taste the bees.
that related to the pic quite well. unfortunately, i truly feel like your entire piece wasn't based on the picture at hand. and i really cant relate it all back to anything of substance. overall, you created an interesting experience for your audience. i just can't really.. pull anything from it.

/v breathless - i simply felt he created a solid area from which his ideas stemmed from. overall, the verses were very close in quality. i just took more from breathless' verse on this occasion.

10-07-2013, 03:16 AM	#1
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	Week 3 - breathless (0-1) vs. Innovator (0-2) - INNOVATOR WINS 7-5 Season 2 Rules Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post. If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension. Topic Good Luck @breathless @Innovator __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

10-08-2013, 08:11 AM	#2
breathless Master of Beastiality Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Lansing, Mi Posts: 368 Battle Record: 4-6 Rep Power: 0	Flourish Just another day in the life... of a common man without one... The sun rays rise, complacent, trite, laughing in the face of the proud son... No matter what the outcome, there's an after to the "now what?" ... Another chapter ... Another cloud cover. Whether its full spectrum or colored blacker than shrouds smother the weather can't control when a person has doubts shuttered. Heck no, just cut em off, burn the bridge and clear the pasture. Left home with a cleft soul, but returned with his spirit tattered. Seven years of bad luck adds up, cursing as that mirror shattered. Fuck em all, it can't suck half as much as this clear disaster of a "family"... A dad drunk with the power he doesn't have and a tragically mad mother who cowers on the other hand. But he's got the town, thought about bein prodigal once with the need to get out of the ruts dug on solid grounds, he followed his gut. What kicked that diabolical crutch quick from under him was stickin' by his promise with such grit and wonderment that nothing could keep him from runnin' its course. He was done with these people, shunned by remorse. Never one to resort to violence, he ignored the tyrants, mortified by this sort of immortalized misguidance. There's more to this guy's mind than what's stored behind scorned eyelids but what's important, is why, its in the form of divine silence. If the story's boring, but told with brushstrokes of glory you must know its for me, gotta trust those four leafs. Fuck no, pour me another drink, my luck broke... A drunk flow about some old portrait of trees... Just another day in the life... of a common man without one... The sun rays rise, complacent, trite, laughing in the face of the proud son... __________________ I used to be amazing... http://soundcloud.com/dancourser/sets Last edited by breathless; 10-08-2013 at 08:12 AM. Reason: Image

10-10-2013, 10:26 PM	#3
Inno Ad mini tator Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 10,025 Battle Record: 26-54 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - Black August - 1-2 Punch League Rep Power: 85899403	Callus fingertips misplace the skin it leaves behind the aroma seeps, so thick its visible through a pin head’s spine climbing, the wretched stench covers the layers of the sun culminates at the tip of my thumb humming at my eardrums with an angels harp despair feathered from the skies in water shards Pressed against my blood the floor colder than ice spacious with echoes, no one’s been here in nights the sun in hibernation all the time, while the moon plays to an empty crowds eye, setting a empty mood the spaces between the hills feels like a life time and the touching of the air is something I disguise black nights that spill over in a countless effort fearing the shadows, clinging to the edges like sport the thickness of the breeze is almost a substance as the black uses it as sustenance and why not..its in abundance, a perpetual dance. But thats perspective in a glance beauty in the beholder ill hold the city up with my shoulders cleaning every boulder spit shining the grass that border fine tuning its song within every chord composing the shore. My home needs acceptance from a familiar audience A native son familiar to the hills and the river Ill be the bravest one as the land breaks in fevers I have an honest intent to repent the rains trying descend the city never looked so innocent, the trees never smelled better the rain never wetter, the water full of flavor. the flowers feel vibrant and vivid in the dark. I can see the smell…I can taste the bees. shes still beautiful to me. http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23374 http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23380 http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23372 Last edited by Inno; 10-13-2013 at 02:00 PM.

10-11-2013, 05:18 PM	#5
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	Both had some a nice approach to what they were writing about due to the landscaping you both had a chance to make your story open-ended which is a good way to handle a piece such as this Breathless, It seems like you are finding your stride now which is good because it shows in your writing as you progress you had some nice couplets as well as a flow to match it I feel your skill is really starting to showcase itself as you continue on your piece reflected the ideal of a person living in this village and it came out great, you added some nice imagery as well it kept the piece fresh.. Innovator, You had a very visual approach to your piece you took the picture as is and really added to the landscape it gave it an ideal feel as you wrote further into the piece I felt that you focused more on the vibe of the town rather a person which is great in my eyes, it adds a different aspect to the battle tbh I enjoyed both pieces and one's approach was different from the other which really makes this battle based on the better approach I feel Breathless came in and added character to a picture of the village while Innovator gave the effects of the village, I quite enjoyed that but when it comes down to it, I feel Innovator was more thorough with his idea v/Innovator __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

10-11-2013, 07:15 PM	#6
Spoken ...DA GAWD... Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 2,355 Battle Record: 13-34 Rep Power: 5860413	Breath- by got you had that eminem vibe for some reason stuck in my head just more on the poetic side.. you came with anger yet came about it with your wording where you displayed the right emotions at the right time. idk i just felt you were smart in developing a lead and having one interested in staying focused. i cant say muich really cause it was a wonderful piece. Innovator- sup broseph been a while my dude but this here was such a scatter show of brilliance but it still inked cohesive creativity. the style you came with was the same as most i had read from you but its an effective approach and i cant knock on anything from you either cause your writing is your writing.... and i felt you wrote the piece to the best of its extent... on your part. the storyline was nice and productive and it evolved as it went on and wasnt stuck.. line for line was fluid and transitioned with consistency from your content and metaphors being creative. props both came nice honestly.... i liked both approached and both came with a dialect of similiar traits but execution and enjoyment is the key factor for the winner in my eyes.... and i got innovator by a smidgen... thanks for dropping you guys __________________ WP Po'ethics

10-11-2013, 09:52 PM	#7
Just Write Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 1,709 Battle Record: 9-12 Rep Power: 4997617	Never one to resort to violence, he ignored the tyrants, mortified by this sort of immortalized misguidance. There's more to this guy's mind than what's stored behind scorned eyelids but what's important, is why, its in the form of divine silence. breathless, really dug your flow here man. and i don't think i've read a lot from you but this verse really impressed me. good shit Pressed against my blood the floor colder than ice spacious with echoes, no one’s been here in nights the sun in hibernation all the time, while the moon plays to an empty crowds eye, setting a empty mood the spaces between the hills feels like a life time and the touching of the air is something I disguise black nights that spill over in a countless effort fearing the shadows, clinging to the edges like sport inno, my dude i like your style and the way you write, like i was tell in NYC you too are very poetic, i just wish you wouldn't be so simple on the single syllable rhyming. i think if you could pick that up you'd be vicious mvgt= breathless for just a smoother read and take on the pic IMO __________________

10-11-2013, 10:12 PM	#8
Scripter _Al_GO_RYTHMIC Join Date: May 2013 Posts: 644 Battle Record: 1-3 Rep Power: 0	I thought both were great reads. You are both excellent writers but I liked breathless a little more on this one. It really wasn't a question of better for me, but which was more interesting to me in the way it was written. I thought they were evenly matched as far as writing skill. V-Breathless __________________ http://www.youtube.com/user/toadill Ⓖⓔⓣ ⓘⓝ ⓣⓗⓔ ⓑⓞⓦⓛ I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT ╔══════╦═╗╔═╦═══╦═╦═══╗ ║░╔╗╔╗░║░║║░║╚══╣░║░╔═╝ ║░║╚╝║░║░╚╝░╠══╗║░║░╚═╗ ╚═╝░░╚═╩════╩═══╩═╩═══╝ ¸.•¨•♫♪¸.•¨•♫♪¸.•¨•♫♪¸.•¨•♫♪ ◕MUSIC◕LOVE◕LIVE◕LAUGH◕ ☯█▄█ █ █▀█ █▄█ █▀█ █▀█ ♬ ♬█▀█ █ █▀▀ █▀█ █▄█ █▀▀ ☯ ❤ ♡ ❤ ♡ ❤♡ ❤ ♡ ❤ ♡ ❤ ♡ ❤♡ Last edited by Scripter; 10-11-2013 at 10:31 PM.

10-12-2013, 01:07 AM	#9
Adonis Tsk Tsk Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Beer Goggles Posts: 4,834 Battle Record: 36-34 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - NFL Pick'em 2016-17 Rep Power: 9946449	Breth - So I'll be honest, I starter liking the cluttered flow but grew tired of it as I progressed. What I mean by cluttered is every bar it seems has a different by wide margin syllable count, then the lines with in lines are also very different which hurts the flow...Example. "But he's got the town, thought about bein prodigal once with the need to get out of the ruts dug on solid grounds, he followed his gut." the flow is decent, but it's just cluttered, as if you tried to fit in one too many inners or you just needed to shorten the length by a word or two. The other issue I had is the broken sentences between two bars let alone two stanza's. I.e "it can't suck half as much as this clear disaster... of a "family"... Just too many breaks in flow while reading it. as far as the story itself, I took it as face value in that you literally writing in first person giving us a peer into a drunken soul struggling with the demons which hit me very close to home as I'm currently battling my demons trying to get sober and seeking the help of others, so on that front I felt the story due to the close meaning in my personal life. I think you have mad talent, but in this case, maybe less is more, meaning less rhymes as far as inners, not less as words or story length. Nice drop either way, elevate. Inno - I liked the approach, not so much execution, especially last stanza as far as rhyme scheme. But that last stanza as far as depth was the best part, I just wish it had more rhymes I guess. Also felt like a lack of inners, but the writing as a piece on face value conveyed a nice message and resonates. I enjoyed the verse to say the least, but there were some wording issues but nothing I couldn't say that didn't exceed the issues of breath. I got inno in a close match. The reason being I felt he better used the pic as a topic in words, painting a illuminating a nice poetic "vibe" or emotion with language. __________________ I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR

10-12-2013, 06:42 PM	#11
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,102 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079722	breathless- Very nice showing this week. You have a unique way with words. Allot of the lines rolled off of the tongue almost effortlessly because of the alliteration you used. Very nice. Definitely an improvement over your drop last week. I got my eye on you my friend. Inno- I think this was your best performance so far in this league. Like Lexicon said this picture was tailor made for you man. You brought an excellent piece this week that was poetic, and I loved it. Bravo. Great battle here, but I think Inno edges it.

10-13-2013, 01:19 AM	#12
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	breathless: The way you wrote this seemed from the outset to explore your displeasure with this topic. That's not a good attitude, though it's a relatable one in these leagues. Sometimes, the topics suck. Do what you can. Anyway, I like your writer's voice. You set up lines well and have a good sense of rhythm. But your content lacks, from both a macro and micro perspective. This verse didn't go anywhere, to the point where you admitted it didn't really go anywhere. But on top of that, there really wasn't any standout section. Mostly you reveled in clichés. If you're going to write about a topic as common as this, you really need to push for quotables, original concepts and wordplay to keep it feeling fresh. Or spice up the flow a bit with deeper rhymes. This verse needed something, some sort of seasoning. Innovator: I liked the approach, which fit the topic well. The writing was more uneven. Your thoughts don't connect as well as they should, and it feels like I'm coming to a halt at a lot of your end rhymes. Part of that is the simplicity of your rhyme scheme. Weaving in more rhymes helps improve the fluidity of everything, making those end rhymes feel less like an obligation. But you also seem to try to fit entire thoughts into every line every time. You shift sentence subjects a lot. It feels like you're trying to cram a ton into every line, new images and new thoughts and new everything, instead of taking time to develop. There are occasionally flashes of brilliance in most of your verses, more here than the past two weeks for sure, but too often you come across as clunky. I'd like to see you push for more coherence and smoothness, perhaps using a direct storytelling verse (a la Slick Rick) as a test attempt, be it for next week or an open mic verse or something else. Still, I thought you won here because you approached the topic better and had more interesting content. Vote: Innovator __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

10-13-2013, 07:51 PM	#13
breathless Master of Beastiality Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Lansing, Mi Posts: 368 Battle Record: 4-6 Rep Power: 0	http://netcees.co/showpost.php?p=178803&postcount=9 http://netcees.co/showpost.php?p=178796&postcount=9 http://netcees.co/showpost.php?p=178758&postcount=8 __________________ I used to be amazing... http://soundcloud.com/dancourser/sets

10-14-2013, 01:14 AM	#14
YDK ghost in the matrix Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Covington, KY Posts: 4,563 Battle Record: 14-25 Champed - Art of Writing League (x2) - Lime Green Poetry Association Rep Power: 8181112	Tbh breathless you really had me hooked with your verse man, the flow was very smooth an you used the pic well. The line about you being drunk and talkin about a painting killed it tho, like even if that is your approach or "reveal line" it still felt like you just gave up at the end. Solid all the way through till then tho. inno you also had a strong verse although the flow wasn't as flow it was a more creative take and you followed it through. Good shit My vote goes to inno for the more complete verse __________________

10-14-2013, 02:11 AM	#15
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247259	Breathless- Damn. I liked the potency of the content once it started to round out. Above par rhyming and syllabic prowess throughout, almost no complaints in that department. I really dug how personal this felt. IMO, personal angles come off more genuine and aggressively portrayed. For the most part, this was no different. Solid piece. Inno- Great descriptive display and decent word choices. Those were definitely the stronger points. Abstract ideas came into play and elaborated well on the topic. There seemed to be several angles at work here, where depending on the section, it had a separate feel and idea to me. I'm not sure if that's bad or good tbh. Overall, interesting work, and its a bit of a deviation from the storytelling trends these portraits tend to inspire. I feel as though both you guys would win under different criteria. But seeing as how this would be an overall vote, I'll go with my gut on this technically and story-wise, verses the more abstract descriptive lane. MVGT Breathless. Good job to both of you guys. __________________ Ahem.

10-14-2013, 02:18 AM	#16
patrown ‹^›ô¿ô‹^› Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 596 Battle Record: 13-19 Rep Power: 0	breathless - i took your whole piece as an observation one type of character. so not to say i could pick out a "hero" from your piece, as much as you delved into a collectively dark psyche. a state of denial, brought on by a lifetime of wrong decisions. an outlook shadowed by an overly critical father. you were poetic throughout, but i had diffculties trying to really patch it together and take from your verse an entire meaning that corresponded with the picture. A drunk flow about some old portrait of trees... "no." innovator - I tried my best to pick out a solid theme from your piece, and i just couldn't. but i do feel you used some excellent imagery. like here.. humming at my eardrums with an angels harp despair feathered from the skies in water shards Pressed against my blood the floor colder than ice spacious with echoes, no one’s been here in nights the sun in hibernation all the time, while the moon plays to an empty crowds eye, setting a empty mood it feels great. sounds good. but when i search for meaning from it, i just couldnt find anything to chew on. you can taste the bees? hm. sounds painful. but seriously... this is solid. A native son familiar to the hills and the river Ill be the bravest one as the land breaks in fevers I have an honest intent to repent the rains trying descend the city never looked so innocent, the trees never smelled better the rain never wetter, the water full of flavor. the flowers feel vibrant and vivid in the dark. I can see the smell…I can taste the bees. that related to the pic quite well. unfortunately, i truly feel like your entire piece wasn't based on the picture at hand. and i really cant relate it all back to anything of substance. overall, you created an interesting experience for your audience. i just can't really.. pull anything from it. /v breathless - i simply felt he created a solid area from which his ideas stemmed from. overall, the verses were very close in quality. i just took more from breathless' verse on this occasion.