AHEM! There's SAND on my boots!

Mr. J · 09-21-2013, 05:39 PM

Under new management, the slaves of Maximus
the muses don't matter it's the use of the canvas'
paint the town red and use the entrails as banisters
no time for useless mannerisms, choose to battle us...
send a bouquet and make sure that it's a day late
give us reason to vacate the day care you take your play dates
spit on the scriptures & drown out the mice...
it's a celebration, time to take the town out tonight
I share the same ettiquite & train with veterans
raised out of a different page in the age of excellance
aided neglecence to the heavens & set flame to a Pegasus
take that with your high horse...
I only speak to myself because confidence is a divine source
tear down everything else & leave the signs torched
& with each line forced...I leave it all on the dark side
playing roulette at 12 Parsecs you sucka's cannot hide..

Zen · 09-21-2013, 10:56 PM

Under new management, the slaves of Maximus
the muses don't matter it's the use of the canvas'
paint the town red and use the entrails as banisters
no time for useless mannerisms, choose to battle us...
^^all of these end rhymes here seem extremely strained imo. Idk if it's because we have different accents or what, but they just don't rhyme to me. Cool concept but wasn't executed

raised out of a different page in the age of excellance
aided neglecence to the heavens & set flame to a Pegasus
take that with your high horse...
I only speak to myself because confidence is a divine source
^^best portion of this verse.

I've seen better from you man. Those first four lines just fucked this up for me.

e11even · 09-22-2013, 06:26 AM

paint the town red and use the entrails as banisters

dug that.

I share the same ettiquite & train with veterans
raised out of a different page in the age of excellance
aided neglecence to the heavens & set flame to a Pegasus
take that with your high horse...
I only speak to myself because confidence is a divine source
tear down everything else & leave the signs torched

Way better flow and scheme here... its like it took you a second to
wake up. I find myself doing that pretty often lol. I think a better
scheme transition should be developed seeing as how that high horse line,
however fitting in content, had an abrupt feel in terms of scheme.

Good shit. I'll try my hand at more abstract pieces myself. Keep doin ya thing J.

CopyPat · 09-23-2013, 12:40 AM

pretty typical verse from u j. standard typa style, same length.. seemed written pretty quickly. its not bad, its not amazing. i would love to see u attempt some more difficult scheming..more syllables etc cause i know u have it in u. keep killin em in cypher

09-21-2013, 05:39 PM	#1
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	AHEM! There's SAND on my boots! Under new management, the slaves of Maximus the muses don't matter it's the use of the canvas' paint the town red and use the entrails as banisters no time for useless mannerisms, choose to battle us... send a bouquet and make sure that it's a day late give us reason to vacate the day care you take your play dates spit on the scriptures & drown out the mice... it's a celebration, time to take the town out tonight I share the same ettiquite & train with veterans raised out of a different page in the age of excellance aided neglecence to the heavens & set flame to a Pegasus take that with your high horse... I only speak to myself because confidence is a divine source tear down everything else & leave the signs torched & with each line forced...I leave it all on the dark side playing roulette at 12 Parsecs you sucka's cannot hide.. __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

09-22-2013, 06:26 AM	#3
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247259	paint the town red and use the entrails as banisters dug that. I share the same ettiquite & train with veterans raised out of a different page in the age of excellance aided neglecence to the heavens & set flame to a Pegasus take that with your high horse... I only speak to myself because confidence is a divine source tear down everything else & leave the signs torched Way better flow and scheme here... its like it took you a second to wake up. I find myself doing that pretty often lol. I think a better scheme transition should be developed seeing as how that high horse line, however fitting in content, had an abrupt feel in terms of scheme. Good shit. I'll try my hand at more abstract pieces myself. Keep doin ya thing J. __________________ Ahem.

09-23-2013, 12:40 AM	#4
CopyPat Mic Check Join Date: Mar 2013 Location: Calgary Alberta Canada Posts: 708 Battle Record: 13-10 Rep Power: 3742225	pretty typical verse from u j. standard typa style, same length.. seemed written pretty quickly. its not bad, its not amazing. i would love to see u attempt some more difficult scheming..more syllables etc cause i know u have it in u. keep killin em in cypher __________________ My syllable count approximately a billion, bounce. You cannot compete.

09-21-2013, 10:56 PM	#2
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,102 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079722	Under new management, the slaves of Maximus the muses don't matter it's the use of the canvas' paint the town red and use the entrails as banisters no time for useless mannerisms, choose to battle us... ^^all of these end rhymes here seem extremely strained imo. Idk if it's because we have different accents or what, but they just don't rhyme to me. Cool concept but wasn't executed raised out of a different page in the age of excellance aided neglecence to the heavens & set flame to a Pegasus take that with your high horse... I only speak to myself because confidence is a divine source ^^best portion of this verse. I've seen better from you man. Those first four lines just fucked this up for me.