another piece written like zombie

[Darth Yoda]

hai I hop u enjouy it as mushy as I willed writing it

you’re one in a million. no — infinitys like it. I don’t mean to be confined to verbalize in hyperboles, but they aren’t brilliant enough to describe the electrodes that speed through my spine. I’m instantly livened. It’s like the chemistry’s psychic. Intertwined within each and every single love chemical, you’d need more than one decimal, point to line it up. Entropy. It’s so heavenly, and that’s putting it objectively, minus, the sentiments thats behind them. And when I see into your eyes, the dark chestnutty iris. The appealing chill inside my skeleton, that reiterates the climate. More like genetic. The way you obliterate. And leave me breathless as I sigh, such brevity, it’s either catch my breath: or I die. I wish I could get a license. To kill. All the finicky feelings. but I wouldn’t want to frighten the dulcet when the symphony’s singing. The orchestra you create. Formula so innate. Feel it in my bones and then in space. You’re now cordially invited to take over my vertebra. I want to build a boat and cruise the night overseas. and shoot darts, with no shoes on. at the oval scene. Then go to sleep, due to the blowing breeze that shoots into the scaffolding. It’s sorta cute. Cause honestly, it’s you, that’s arguably the only ounce of normalcy that continues forcibly. Without you I’m not sure I would’ve gone on. And writing love-songs doesn’t sound old to me. But, okay. What if in another life, yeah; another. do you ever wonder? What if we bumped into each other, right? We’d be running through the summer lights. Without knowing each other, I’d know there wouldnt be a woe you couldn’t comfort. We’d be slowly lifting summer peaches. Nothing on our minds. It’d be sunset, there would be a glow just gleaming. Off your clothes. And on your thigh. Would be a code that only I could see, and with my eyes. I would read like hieroglyphics a subtle way of life. With a basket above the breeches. I’d view you as a sort of woman that wasn’t up my valley, but sorta just my type. So poignant, yet minds prolific. It was like I hand-picked your stunning features. Not even because you were so buzzing that when you blushed your cheeks were. The perfect plushy plum, that it could bring any man up to his knees. Especially me, you’re, a missing puzzle piece. Sorry to be cliche, but let me word this in a way where it speaks volumes, so to say. My jigsaw was blatant gray. So lame, I felt disgraced. The puzzle pieces were intricate but the story was much the same. And so you came, pigmented me with your brush and all your paint. Filled my puzzle with some color, even if as just as faint. You were Picasso, no Frida Kahlo the way you brush stroked with your butter veins. — well I’m getting off topic. Cause even in another region of physics, you still hold a place of glee in my English. So peaceful. And then I would wonder if, my words would ever ward you. Cause I’m sure as hell I would unveil this innervation towards you. It’s absolute. it’s pure. it’s in his unadulterated form. Unaware, how much of cunning keepsake you’d come to make. They say; whom the gods love die young. You’d probably be the first one to go. Because I’d convince the gods how much you mean to this one hopeful soul. And they would learn to love you whole. But then they wouldn’t, and in the juncture, they’d take a moment to observe this woman. Your perfect alluring humming, when you’re working. Cause they’d see you so happy they’d get jealous of it. Of us, and in a second that loving’ they had would turn into covert overzealous nothings. And then we’d be together, and there wouldn’t be a thing or two to stop it. Cause our endeavors are probably too honest. I love you, darling.

[CopyPat]

hmmm... this was a little up and down for me DY. i normally am not any fan of shit like this, zombies one was dope. and honestly quite alot better than this one i hate to say haha sorry. it started out a little slow.. then def did build up steam and got better... but then i felt it dragged on a little at the end and just did nothing for me... i bet if u would have posted this one first before zombie it would be more well received. but to do it right afterwards just didn't do this one any favors, and just seemed like you were trying to recreate something that u didn't really want to do in the firstplace. just honest feed. this is probly the only peice of urs i havent liked. so take that as a compliment i guess lol

we collabin or what?

[PancakeBrah]

Pretty good

[Wise Wiggles]

Good. Pretty.

[Kaeo Seru]

This was unexpected. wasn't quite ready for this when i clicked to open the thread. I was expecting something with more fire. this had a strong poetic vibe to it. and that in and of itself isn't a bad thing. but i felt that you could've worked at wording your emotions better or re-worked some of the imagery to produce something more profound. but this was "cute". If i heard this at a spoken word event thats what id get from that. not a bad thing but you are capable of more

[PancakeBrah]

We know you're just being funny

[CopyPat]

edit: your edit was way better


"You’re now cordially invited to take over my vertebra. I want to build a boat and cruise the night overseas. and shoot darts, with no shoes on. at the oval scene. Then go to sleep, due to the blowing breeze that shoots into the scaffolding. It’s sorta cute. Cause honestly, it’s you, that’s arguably the only ounce of normalcy that continues forcibly. Without you I’m not sure I would’ve gone on. And writing love-songs doesn’t sound old to me."


thats dope for being gay

still don't like the i love you darling ending

[dull boy]

I wanna eat your heart while I fuck your corpse... 'cause I love you, baby.

[Destroyer]

didn't read this

[PancakeBrah]

i guess if you're over 30 it's like cool club

[Darth Yoda]

I'm 22, thanks for feed guys.

[Certain]

I'm 25. I'm going to be 26 soon. I'd like to feel this way about someone. I haven't. It's a shame. Anyway, this was cool if not relatable. The rhymes weren't as tight as normal. Zombie probably pulls this off better, but that's fine because you're better at bragging and being funny. Yeah, I said it. The part about the decimal point was a nice turn of phrase. There were a lot of nice turns of phrase, and this was a little more connected than usual even if it wasn't the most interesting topic to be so well organized over. I liked it, but I didn't love it, certainly not like you love your darling.

[PancakeBrah]

I'm 24 almost 25. It's so weird. I still perceive myself as the person I was when I was 17~18. I've read elsewhere that people experience this type of phenomenon. They eventually self-actualize. We can only hope.

[Certain]

I feel like I'm 35. That's why I come to a rap message board, to relive my youth, since no 35 year olds would ever post on a rap message board.

[Darth Yoda]

I feel my age and don't consider this a rap message board. Thanks for comparing me to my counterpart, though. @Certain. I'm glad you changed your name it was annoying.
@PancakeBrah it's because you haven't fully matured. Jk! Well, not really, but. Yeah. Usually if you look for something that's wrong with yourself, it remains wrong by nature. It's a certain thing

[PancakeBrah]

Nah that's probably not it. Thank you for your kind words, though.

[Darth Yoda]

I think you're a pretty good writer.

[PancakeBrah]

And I'm in disagreement. Settle down lol.