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10-28-2020, 10:39 AM
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#1 |
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Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Oslo
Posts: 179
Battle Record: 5-0
Rep Power: 2158975   |
The Engineer
ascendancy absolutely corrupts
as life itself self-destructs dwelling within a lifeless metropolis debris from the citadel lay scattered forsaken graves, behold the necropolis glowing beings irradiate through the opaque haze distorted silhuettes of diffuse humans wandering spectres soul searching at a late stage the air is depleted, dying breaths, it's not easy to tell mutated fowls circle the red sky like starved demons could this really be hell all kinds of disfigured creatures suffering by the hands of fate, their presence was forged experiments, evolutionary codex, genetic codes malformed the primordial cycle, survival, reproduction laws of nature, extinction, inevitable repercussions degenerate infants, natural cataclysms mother nature aint cruel, merely an eyeless mechanism replication of genes by all means innumerable souls, condemned ghosts imposed into a machine what am I really besides something being from undressed consciousness imagine a costume then become it totality according to plan to know myself and expand I had to inhabit them circling back towards the end releasing form at the flick of a red button |
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10-29-2020, 10:03 AM
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#2 |
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low tide in serotonin bay
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,741
Battle Record: 37-28
Champed - GWL Picture Challenge
- Guerrilla Writing League
- Black August II
Rep Power: 15446143 |
I like the vivid descriptiveness in this piece. You built an awesome atmosphere
The setting is cool but we’re no stranger to apocalyptic settings, anyone who has been in a league here has undoubtedly wrote about this same subject a few times but I just like the vision you laid out “mutated fowls circle the red sky like starved demons could this really be hell” “ by the hands of fate, their presence was forged experiments, evolutionary codex, genetic codes malformed the primordial cycle, survival, reproduction laws of nature, extinction, inevitable repercussions” Good work man |
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10-30-2020, 12:48 PM
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#3 |
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Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Oslo
Posts: 179
Battle Record: 5-0
Rep Power: 2158975 |
Thanks, I'll check out the league and perhaps sign up.
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11-04-2020, 12:32 PM
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#4 |
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rhyme capsule.
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 2,146
Rep Power: 0   |
atypical. i liked it.
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11-06-2020, 02:20 AM
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#5 | |
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 295
Battle Record: 3-3
Rep Power: 976836 |
Your Dead cotton, Just another text Moron
About to get ripped in two by a head Gorgon Mormon, I'm an Imminent threat to your last Breath Bringin heat that Make anything living Sweat and freath Fuck your wealth, I'll simply crush your Health To perform like a witch doctor in set, when it's time to overa bet Then frog leap over ya corpse thus promoting Stealth Unworthy Puppy, part of the entropy pass, papa ghost, Me I feed you a hall of fame medal and make you choke on a Trophy All you fuckers are Corny, Adoring the Money, switching to suddenly Phony Prancing online, where Only to unpromote a diss artist growing, its boring Exploring With a structure and style thats lookin whorish and Bony I'm just a gunless gunny, unsigned; Worthless to Sony So if you fuck with my kind you gonna be Holly Workin alone with a Tony Broken toe, kne., I'M pragmatic corroding lastly, slowly With a Squad ready to mangle and turn your ass to Balony Baal in a ballad Broski For the tata low key, I'm Blasting Within the perilous law like a black Falcony Falconry and sorcery from a Balcony for all to See Burn Infront of God Like an Allah Degree Me and me is the only one I know is as Mad as Me I'm a catastrophic Blasphemy, Provoked Manually, onGoing Annually High a Smoking Alchemy And all other chemicals Molten Actually Im a torment Hunting Violently, ready to perform a Postmortem Radiclly You're golden; Arguably
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11-10-2020, 12:00 PM
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#6 |
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Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 89
Rep Power: 4050148 |
Yooo this the same Concrete from LA? If so what up its Exoduzt.
If this is the same Concrete I love the way you have expanded as a writer. The descriptiveness you portrayed on a bland topic was really dope. You took it to another level. "the air is depleted, dying breaths, it's not easy to tell mutated fowls circle the red sky like starved demons could this really be hell"----this was dope "he primordial cycle, survival, reproduction laws of nature, extinction, inevitable repercussions degenerate infants, natural cataclysms mother nature aint cruel, merely an eyeless mechanism"--This is fucking beautiful. The flow is insane and damn I loved the way you described mother nature as an eyeless mechanism. Really liked this drop |
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11-12-2020, 05:20 PM
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#7 |
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Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Oslo
Posts: 179
Battle Record: 5-0
Rep Power: 2158975 |
Appricate that Exo and yeah it's none other than Concrete from LA.
Looking forward to see you in action in the tourney by the way. |
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03-05-2023, 02:05 PM
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#8 |
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Banned
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,962
Battle Record: 6 - 14
Rep Power: 0 |
***new 2023 feed soon
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03-09-2023, 02:00 AM
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#9 |
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Banned
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,962
Battle Record: 6 - 14
Rep Power: 0 |
@Concrete
I honestly don't think this needs feed. Hardly any, I should say. Probably a comma after the word "red", before the word "button", at the end. flick of a red, button... On initial read I did not see that's rhyming WAYYY up above...and it's good; just hard to spot at first. I've just edited out my suggestion to cut the last two lines, and simply offered a comma. to keep them. I REALLY ENJOYED THIS DROP AND THOUGHT IT WAS HIGH QUALITY...shows u r talented. the skeletal structure/short line format is a nice cool changeup. nice&tightly constructed. Last edited by Pharaohs Army; 03-09-2023 at 02:10 AM. |
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