WEEK TWO: CANDY 0-1 VS CONCRETE 1-0 CONCRETE WINS

[Adverse]

AOWL Season IX

@Candy @Concrete

Verse Due: Saturday November 21st @ 11:59PM EST



Line min: 10

Max: 50


Check ins: 48 hours after thread post


Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451[/b]

Topic:

[Candy]

chiock tick tock

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145554
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145553
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145552

[Concrete]

Check, good luck, etc.

[Candy]

The Forest For The Trees
..

Amidst a midsummers whispers wished the wasnt
Washing hemoglobin soaked in dreamt promise
Bent by bark through tree sap and needles of pine pressed
Stretched in scent sent to define definite in gest
Two jesters rest, floating above the shrubbery
Mumbling chants of ancient mantras huddling
A couple of nomads where none as brass as such cast
An outlander of sorts, contorts between us trash
In the land of the undead there is a group setting
Heirs and tiers like tears and peers prewetting
A hierarchy of arch angels stark naked marked
In the flesh of the elders seldomly starved
Of the knowledge of the past and placed at the entry
Of each face to face encounter for centuries
The trees breathe death in seeds to bleed cemeteries
Eventually our flesh falls to the fall grounds density
Our master wears the bled skulls as a mask like map
Floats above the water beds where the foreign flowers nap
His silent hum humbly haunts the haunt numb
From ears of the deaf and off the tongues of the dumb
His final word was translated as how thing are as
...
..
You approach in confidence so commonly dressed
In your nighting gale nestle some what like new
But all i smell's knew wrestling demons and flus
In my land of purity where just virgins leak
You maggots can beg all winter and die at my feet

[Concrete]

"Dark Awakening"


novice huntsman with a fresh licence to kill
enticement and thrill heightened my will
to pursue childhood dreams of wildwood scenes
on a glorious day the sunlight would gleam
yet everything wasn't gold, the soil takes it's toll
roaming the region with a rifle and void in my soul
before I tell this story.. already smelled the coffee
but all I could taste was aroma of hollow melancholy
as an apathetic heathen tormented by hellish anxiety
nightmarish sobriety tempted me to perish quietly

anyways..
I made haste of the day, no time to waste or delay
paved the way in order to chase down my prey
or just escape the grey and let my spirit be calm
I simply sprinted along until the footprints was gone
I'd lost my way, gone astray on this bleak forest trail
such a formless place, impending enormous shades
the last slivers of sunshine faded into obscurity
headed back for security as night came glooming in
stupidly, I didn't put my compass under scrutiny
confusingly this neck of the woods was new to me
dialed for assistance, uselessly - signals blocked
things fucked, and eerie feelings of being watched
I need to stop...

entrapped by fear, I concluded there was no campus near
plus the blackness here saturated the whole atmosphere
witnessing carved symbols in timber as disturbing omens
scavenging birds roaming, I fled in the spur of the moment
then the plot along the fog thickened to a dense degree
could sense the trees shrieking from an ungentle breeze
my whole body just stiffened, stirred as my vision blurred
hearing whispered words before something vicious occured
felt like the earth started to shift and my world went to shit
all of a sudden 3 ominous shadows emerged from the mist

as if they slowed down time, stared at me with glowing eyes
don't know why, they looked down on me with foreboding size
like a sick act of witchcraft glimmering through the pitch black
I reached for my rifle with a quick grab then let off six blasts
continued to squeeze hard
couldnt stop breathing fast
they disappeared precicely when I commenced to shoot blindly
shook mindless, I turned back suddenly they stood behind me
desperate fear began to penetrate, no time to hesitate
then one of the devil wraiths started to freaking levitate
fucking great...
the silence was utterly absurd, they didn't utter a word
while I remained scared speechless like stuttering nerd
situation morbid, I thought this was curtains for certain
a hovering body with horned set swiftly moved forward
put his palms on my forehead, he started to absorb me..
then I saw it..

a luminous brilliant light illuminating the errors of my way
how I became the bearer of shame due to terror of decay
tremors from the rays pulsating my flesh like heatwaves
a dreamstate, twin snakes tweaked my brain to deep space
retraced everything from the mechanics of Jupiters moons
to the fallacy of Lucifers doom, like I had ludicrous shrooms
consumed, I realised my mind misplaced in a material prison
now I had experienced wisdom bestowed by ethereal visions
plunging my consciousness into a void endless
everything ceased - I was devoid of all senses

.

awoken
finally a new day arrived
felt lucky to still be alive
the mysterious figures were long gone
perhaps their work here was all done
sunrise dawned upon, wondered if they were ungodly men
or some forest guardians in accordian with the laws within
neither good or evil, not sure they even had been real
yet from that dark state I could really see
inner peace and me my self, beeing free
sweet serenity..

[Concrete]

By the way, me exceeding the line limit was approved by Candy.

[Universe]

Cool topic. Tons of potential here...

Candy:

Much better effort here, man. I can tell you tried this week and it showed. You had some cool bars. I think sometimes your wording gets in the way of what you're trying to say though. Like I get the wordplay factor you try and toss in there but sometimes it's just ill advised and ruins your line. Your word choices border on ridiculous sometimes... there's so many options that can tell your story in a more coherent manner but you seem to choose these words that just throw everything off kilter.

When you keep things simple, you are way better and it is a much easier read. Enjoyable, even.

I noticed improvements this week though. Keep building.


Concrete:

This was some really good writing. You have great multi's and flow, and mix in the storytelling aspects here and there in just the right amount. Started pretty good but got really strong in the middle sections there.

"entrapped by fear, I concluded there was no campus near
plus the blackness here saturated the whole atmosphere
witnessing carved symbols in timber as disturbing omens
scavenging birds roaming, I fled in the spur of the moment
then the plot along the fog thickened to a dense degree
could sense the trees shrieking from an ungentle breeze"

- That entire section was dope. Super in-depth with some vivid imagery.

I also like how, while telling the story, you jump in with a quick opinion about everything from time to time. I like to do that myself as it let's the reader breathe for a moment while also getting a chance to smile a bit during the action. For example:

"desperate fear began to penetrate, no time to hesitate
then one of the devil wraiths started to freaking levitate
fucking great..."

- the "fucking great" was... fucking great lol.

Also, the change of pace ie. bar length and flow at the end there really fit well, as it gives the reader a jolt, just like the character in the story, at the sudden change of direction. We all wake up and are disoriented... and you really were able to portray that same feeling with the final stanza.

Well done.

Vote - Concrete

[Objective]

Candy: This was a lot to take in. Love the language used and the way the words feel natural as they fluently blends into each other through asonance and rhythmic patterns not veering too much from its original path. Some tongue twisters that made me enjoy the cadence quite a bit.

I do feel like punctuation here and there would help you out a little bit, especially in the last 5 lines/your closure.

Amidst a midsummers whispers wished they wasnt
Washing hemoglobin soaked in dreamt promise
^Your intro is fresh tho, a syllable off being perfect but still solid and fresh. Also not sure if you meant to write "the wasn't" or "they wasn't", cus the latter makes sense while the other makes me a bit on edge. In terms of the syllables I'm thinking that "wished the wasn't" and "dreamt promise" is off by a hair.

A couple of nomads where none as brass as such cast
An outlander of sorts, contorts between us trash
^I also think that "A couple nomads" would help your flow here by removing "of", seeing how you're using "of" again in the next sentence it would also help to not make it feel as repetitive

Two jesters rest, floating above the shrubbery
Mumbling chants of ancient mantras huddling
A couple of nomads where none as brass as such cast
An outlander of sorts, contorts between us trash
In the land of the undead there is a group setting
Heirs and tiers like tears and peers prewetting
^This is where your shit gets good/better tho and keeps my attention to the end.

Eerie and creepy atmosphere, would love to see some fantasy Netflix episode of this shit. Overall a cool submission that makes me interested to see what Concrete has to offer.

Concrete: Interesting and captivating stanza to start it off by.

Second stanza brings the story along and brings your character to the brink of paranoia and being lost.

entrapped by fear, I concluded there was no campus near
^Personally I think the contraption "there's" is better suited to fit the flow better. "There was" breaks the cadence a little.

Eerie as fuck, third stanza put me on the edge of my seat. Good stuff!

like stuttering nerd
^Like a stuttering nerd, OR, like stuttering nerds. As it stands now it makes grammar nazis arise from the Chad and Karen havens of too many fucks given.

Your fifth stanza screams of a bad trip on acid to me, haha! Enjoyed it quite a bit! The closure wraps it up well enough. Definitely sounds like an acid trip to me, whether or not it's a bad trip is up to the person experiencing it to say, lol.

Vote: I enjoyed Candy's play with words here and there, cadence and generally a good write up. Concrete had a good story of a hunter going through some existential hallucinations brought upon by forest spirits of sorts that I really dug as well.

It's kinda close but after having read each piece twice I'm going by Concrete for the storytelling and visual elements tied within. Candy did an exceptional job as well overall with a few hiccups but so far the best I've read from him. If I should bring any advice to Candy it would be to not take the topics supplied too literal, instead of describing everything that's going on in the image it would be dope to tie a story to it (where's the master from? How did they get to know him? Why are they there?) Adding these elements could probably snatched the vote for me cus I loved the atmosphere from start to finish and the concept, alas Concrete gets my vote with also a pretty dope atmospheric piece but the better story and overall feel to go along with it.

Definitely a good battle I enjoyed in full, looking forward to see how the two of you keep elevating your pen-game throughout the league.

[Adverse]

Candy - sometimes I feel like instead of telling a linear story you over-describe. Some of your imagery was awesome but sometimes the storyline gets lost in all the imagery and what not, your next step would be to find a way to keep the same kind of descriptive writing but at the same time moving the story forward and getting somewhere because I think the way you say things and the things you describe are dope pieces but you’ve got to put the whole puzzle together still

Concrete - you wrote a great story here and really brought the picture to life. Loved the atmosphere and the adjectives you used to give life to your otherwise inanimate objects like saying the wind made the trees shriek and things like that, very good writing and the multis tied in well as well. This was a great read and I liked the way you approached it. Keep writing man

Overal I enjoyed Concrete’s take on the subject more and his piece felt more “whole” honestly concrete is starting to look like a sleeper. Writers beware!

V/Concrete

[Mr. J]

Candy this was an improvement on last week's showing which made the read worthwhile. I enjoyed the start of your verse the most because it seemed to follow through with the topic at hand. As the verse progressed. I'd say about halfway through it seemed to slowly fall apart. Which is find. It happens from time to time. Your rhyming really begins to shine when you have less pressure on you. I don't know if that was due to your opponent or what but this was a nice showing.

Concrete. You really went in with your verse which is great especially considering this is the first verse I can recall reading from you. More often than none the competition seems to be lacking in the league which really makes it boring from time to time. The way you crafted each verse really showcased your ability to carry the topic. Compared to your opponent you shined with the technicality here. Nice drop.


Tbh this was a decent battle that had a clashing of styles showcasing what the league has to offer. I really enjoyed the fact that both of you showed and dropped to the best of your abilities. At the end of the day I feel Concrete snatched this one up due to the sheer bulk of work he put into his drop. The idea stayed on point and the rhymes were decently laid out. Candy was on the right track but needed to capitalize on the piece by keeping that flow consistent to keep one drawn in. Dope battle though.

V/concrete

[Lucipher Howlz]

First off I loved the picture. Def my type of topical.

Candy: I enjoyed your verse last week but I enjoy this verse even more. You came with it this week. I'm totally digging your style. I really loved your imagery and the way you described everything. I was diggin' the vocab you used but felt the word placement in some areas were off and made the flow not so smooth in some places. What I really liked was how you painted a picture with your verse so I could actually see the story in my mind. If you added some multi syllables in your rhyme scheme mixed with your wording you would be a real force. I really enjoyed this verse and you showed improvement from last week.

Con: you be writing some novels homie lol. I was really feeling your opening 2 bars. sounds like something I would write. Nice way to open it up and paint a picture for the reader to get into.

before I tell this story.. already smelled the coffee
but all I could taste was aroma of hollow melancholy
as an apathetic heathen tormented by hellish anxiety
nightmarish sobriety tempted me to perish quietly"---flow was standard but I loved the wording and the way you described this segment.

You've really come a long way. Ive always loved how direct you are with your wording but now you have a poetic more intelligent way of describing things but you still kept your direct essence. I love to see that type of shit.

like a sick act of witchcraft glimmering through the pitch black
I reached for my rifle with a quick grab then let off six blasts"---Liked this part a lot.

Vote- Concrete. Felt his story was a bit more interesting and kept me engaged more. I also fely he was more on point when it came to the technicalities. Props to both writers tho. Thanks for a good read from both.

[Pharaohs Army]

Great Pic selection

Candy

A marked improvement from the last league.
You really focused on being consistent with your rhyming which was good.
Some good imagery, some dark, some not.
Of each face to face encounter for centuries
The trees breathe death in seeds to bleed cemeteries
Unconventional but I like it.

You wrote a good verse here and WOULD upset someone who didn't bring it like
Concrete

Awesome job man. You nailed a topic that I failed at a few years ago.
Good descriptions and rhyming throughout. Engaged throughout, despite the length.
as if they slowed down time, stared at me with glowing eyes
don't know why, they looked down on me with foreboding size
like a sick act of witchcraft glimmering through the pitch black
I reached for my rifle with a quick grab then let off six blasts
Speaks for itself pretty sick

V/ Concrete

[Master Rock]

I initially read Candy's verse and it didn't stick so I had to read it again to absorb and it vibe became apparent.. Concrete's verse on the other hand stood out immediately on the first read in regards to rhyme scheme. Concrete's opener was hard and firm throughout. Candy had some descent ideas but seems as though it wasn't fully fleshed out. Candy's verse is like an eye witness situation of a recordance of paranormal activity. However, Concrete stance state a story of that leads to the moment of an encounter and does so in a fine manner. Candy verse was good, however you can tell the Concrete put in alot more into the fleshing out of the subject matter. Great job to both of you, but Concrete got this based on the care and development on this topic.