Playoffs Round 1 Mag

[Sharp]

Intro

Yo, Sharp here with the first of two playoff mags. We’re here, the season ending playoffs, after a 3 way wildcard match for the 8th seed. Now that everyone else is coming off of the bye week, I’m hoping they’re relaxed, refreshed, and ready to fuck their opponents up. For those of you playing along at home, this tourney will follow normal seeding. Winner of 1 vs 8 battles winner of 4 vs 5, winner of 2 vs 7 has 3 vs 6. Keep that one in mind when filling out your fantasy bracket.
Let’s not forget what the 8 contenders are fighting for: Glory, Immortality, Prestige, Honor, and, arguably most significantly, a framed meme haiku



But first, we have week 8 business to wrap up.





[Week 8 Reviews]
[User]

evaD vs Destroyer

Dave, fresh off a brutal champ match loss, takes on the Viagra Vigilante himself, Destroyer. Honestly, this battle was my runner up to BOTW, and both guys came with little sprinkles (Mmmm) of fire. It was one of those few battles we get on a weekly basis where after an initial read, it feels almost evenly matched. Dave came out swinging, posting first and dropping some niiiiice punches with the Gran Torino and Marvel lines (side note, how did I never notice Des looks like Marv from Home Alone? Hilarious). His Wolverine line was allllllmost a heater, but, suffered a bit from the choice of wording. He has claws. Claws aren’t digits. Wolverine’s one of my personal favorites so I just couldn’t let that slide. I’m just being a hater, I know, because overall, it was a very consistent verse. Des also dropped some fire, and had a particular favorite of mine in the visiting hours line. That was just raw and creatively flipped the picture in a great way. Nothing else really reached that peak though, and the rest of the voters, save Wanderer, gave Dave the nod here.

WINNER: DAVE


Wanderer vs Mac

Oh, Mac. You dreamy, creamy Venezuelan. I’ve rooted for you all season, even if you did start off 1-3 and your only win was against Uh-Oh, and you lost to Zelph. You never gave up. It’s people like you who make leagues like this work. I cherish you and all of your hard work up to this point. That said, this battle was short, sweet and honestly pretty fucking close to call. I personally voted for Mac on the strength of having just oooooooooooone more +.5 half-way quotable. His Umbrella Academy line was fire, quoted by nearly everyone – but everything else seemed to get a mixed-reaction. Wand, on the other hand came out firing HAWTTT with the Jeans line (seriously, Mac, let those legs breathe homie), but tapered off a bit afterwards, only picking up steam again with the surface area line. This was close, and it came down to the wire. In the end, Wanderer pulled the W, and locked up a playoff play-in spot. Also, Wand, I know I gave Mac his props earlier, but you deserve them all too. You vote every week, you show up every week, you’re a treasure. Thanks for putting forth the effort.

WINNER: WANDERER


UserName vs Bomb Bard

Bard noshowed, I win. Yayyyy.

WINNER: USERNAME


Zuch vs Hush

Could’ve been battle of the week. Hell, could’ve been battle of the tourney if they both gave it their all. Hush sprouted an insta-vag and noshowed though. Wonderful timing.

WINNER: ZUCH


Resin M-I-C vs FGR

Dope battle. Resin’s back. FGR’s battled just about everyone who’s been in the pic league and came at LEAST average or better each time. He’s another one who deserves some props. That said, both guys chose to keep it relatively short this week – hopefully saving some of that carpal tunnel for the playoffs. I was hype for this one. Resin gave him a picture of him wearing a mask (can we stop this now?) and FGR dropped what appears to be photographic evidence of a future sexual assault case. Moving on, FGR, you know Resin isn’t Mexican right? I dedicated like 20 lines PERSONALLY to him being Asian. So did Zuch. So did like 5 others. Him being Asian is like an ongoing site gag at this point, and it feels like you never picked up on it. I’m sorry bud. Anyway, the French’s mustard line was cool. Things were already stacked against FGR and then Resin just sealed things (to me) by comparing him to a trailer park Shrek. Possibly funniest line of the week. Voters showed up and thought the same, picking Resin with the shut-out W.

WINNER: RESIN


Adverse vs TOP iLL DRAGSTER TWO

Cat’s OUTTA the bag! Top is Zuch. The world’s worst-kept secret alias is finally exposed… by Zuch himself. Adverse dropped one of his better verses of the season, and unfortunately it still wasn’t enough. But boooooy was it funny! Ad supplied plenty of ammo, dropping his interpretation of Hot Tub Munchie Machine, and Zuch scoured the internet for pictures of red-headed children again. All in all, this was full of quotables and Top may have honestly provided the verse of the week. Toss up between him, Dave and Resin. The Diet Coke line, the gene pool line, the Hills Have Eyes line, the mall fountain line. It all just came off effortless and hilarious. Ad also provided the lol’s with a few bangers of his own – namely, the Ribwich line and the fist bumps line. Both of these guys will have a line in the top punches for sure. In the end, voters went back and forth a LITTLE, but Top wound up closing it out decisively.

WINNER: TOP ILL

Playoff Play-In: Wanderer vs Adverse vs Mac
[Sharp]

First off, props to all 3 for showing quickly on short notice with a weird setup. This one ended 4-1-1 in favor of Wanderer and in my opinion it was entirely due to consistent wording. Mac and Adverse both had quality ideas but, to most voters, both verses had at least one miss. Wanderer, despite having a really niche reference in his opener, was generally considered most consistent and having the best wording. It was good to see him get full roast with his line about the Chilli Peppers singer, but it wasn’t done as well as Adverse’s Mick Foley line. The takeaway here seems to be that we like good wording and Wanderer had the best.


[Season Top Punches]


Zuch

vs evaD
That hairline on a steady climb, It should hit points sooner
This dude went to the salon and told the barber “gimme the Bitcoin future”

vs Blue Bayou
The way that hair comes off the line matters
Baldness is running SEVERAL routes on that head, and not one is a fly pattern

vs Resin
When it comes to rap I’m stationed in the booth
While that eye formation is running a slant route that the Patriots could use

vs FGR
cream cheese complexion, it’s a fact you will sputter
Atlanta FINALLY built a statue of Butterbean and made it out of actual butter


Hush

vs FGR
Ur health been taken a hit.. smoking regs tasting like shit
When ur shirts the size of a sedan u hotbox the hoodie instead of the whip

vs Blue Bayou
Matching outfits is cute ... I can see u and dad are fashion nerds
Used to sharing caps ...the bullet go thru his head an hit urs afterword
I run wit killas you dumb homo
Blue like my whole team sick ! Word u got every stage of cancer in 1 photo

vs UserName
Listen Erik the read a lot of verses .. that Walmart look ain’t fancy
ya shirt got all that Greenland & ur built like a Viking who only raids pantries


FGR

vs Adverse
Trashed ass sneaks...replace them when you get money in your hands
I'd rather take my chances with strangers & candy then to ever step in them vans

vs Destroyer
I think that's a Morticia costume right? That's what I'd say..
It's hard to tell..cuz standing next to your old ass makes her look like Wednesday


Destroyer

vs Zuch
Zuch a child at heart. My punches neverland with poise dude
That panface got a Hook nose that looks like it could fit all the lost boys too

vs FGR
this dude is dough nuts. But des doesn’t think that jelly gets it...
u sposed to put the phone on the stick bro, not take the actual selfie with it


Resin M-I-C

vs UserName
Your background? Being bullied in school is somethin this geek knows..
Fuck doors. Bro, you have trouble getting into the Hall more than Pete Rose.

vs Zuch
He aint an animal in SC. Let me chime in on ya bracket..
u made a lil noise w/ garbage.. so it‘s fitting to see a racoon behind all of that Racket.

vs Da Brayn Lord aka Seth
my brand is to put a mark on this cow.. ur expanding like wow..
when he tips the scale, Ten Commandments: it’s expected to start in the Thou’s.


UserName

vs TOP iLL
He's never been good at sports, he just chokes on tendies
And if he's ever threatened a Triple Double, it's at his local Wendy's

vs Resin
This side angle is lame, you looked a lot bolder from the front
If he’s clapping ANY cheeks, it’s when they bounce off his shoulders as he runs

vs FGR
Them shits is uggggly, I bet the soles are barely there
Looking like they're held together with duct tape and a daily prayer


Adverse

vs TOP iLL
I've been POUNDIN bitches - covering birds in thick spunk
You been poundin bitches, you lean in for a hug n they revert to fist bumps


Blue Bayou

vs Hush
claim you’re the Cornhole champ & it’s not a troll dude..
shit, if my wife looked like that i’d throw my sack at another hole too
cultivated kush your whole life for some fine cut dry..
i don't get it, how does someone with ur grow knowledge end up five foot five?

vs Inno
give your head a shake & think of your children cunt
no good father pays $300 for some Hydro without paying that bill in months


TOP iLL DRAGSTER TWO

vs Zaddy
Where’s the muscle officer? It’s all impurities
Academy gave you a body fat test and it came back “mall security”

vs Adverse
Who the fuck posts up at this point with lotion?
Looking like McDonalds and The Hills Have Eyes did a joint promotion

vs Zuch
Everything out of place, nigga you broke my lens
Netcee’s very own David Lynch, his features just don’t make sense


Mac

vs Quiz
kiddo i've seen weird stuff but this is overwhelming
floor's lava is all fun n games but ur legs are actually melting

vs Inno
whats wrong inno why are you so frigid!
ironic the lock in ur face screams insecurity and its 128 bit encrypted


evaD

vs Bomb Bard
Repetitive photos are an etiquette no-no, but I ain’t vexed about it b
Predicted a pic with a hideous bottom dweller, I just didn’t expect there to be three

vs Adverse
This life can be a bitch, not every dude can get them pants off
So I’m just tryna cut through the*B.S.*and squeeze some titties like your jansport


Wanderer

vs TOP iLL
My blade’ll open up that belly coz NONE of ur shit’s ever felt
Title chances mirror this pic.. u can get ur guts spilled over a belt


Quiz

loljk





[Roundtable Interview]


This interview features responses from participants signed in for week 8. Half of the responses will be published in this mag, half in the next playoff mag.

Green: Mac
Red: Wanderer
Orange: Adverse
Blue: Bomb Bard


First off all, congrats on finishing out the season. How do you think you did?

Great opportunity to escalate and improve unpolished skills, I definitely slacked at some battles and could've got a better record but I enjoyed the adventure

I killed it but a lot of shit went under the radar

I thought I did well, but not many others echoed that sentiment ha

I did decent. Had I shown for My battle with Blue and Username I would have absolutely murdered them.


What do you think was your best showing of the season?

Me VS FGR, that battle was for me to win

I’d say against top ill. He’s pretty dope for a troll and that was probably my verse of the season that was most unanimously liked

Probably against Top Ill or Wanderer imo picked up steam towards the end of the season

Week one was great. Didn’t have to try and had a huge win. Idk what ever week you quoted a few stuff


How do you feel the season went as a whole (or at least the part you were active for)?

very smooth and enjoyable, props for your effort

Enjoyed it. Text feels truly alive at the moment and since we all ugly as hell pics have been great

Honestly since I’ve returned to NC I’ve been a part of three leagues and this was by far the most smoothly run so kudos to you for that sir

You ran this perfect it was us getting lazy on the voting.


Who’s verses did you like to read? Did anyone surprise you? Is there anyone you wish participated more (or at all)?

I really enjoy hush, username and destroyer verses. Actually, Dave surprised me a lot he definitely has fire

Would’ve liked to see resin week in, week out. Blue bayou is fire to me too don’t know why he wasn’t around toward the end. If Orc stayed in he would’ve been dope too. My fave reads this season other than who I’ve mentioned are Hush, User and Des. Zuch cool too and evaD. Don’t know if I’ve missed anyone but there’s so many strong writers in it right now

User, Hush, Zuch, Des were all fun reads. Dave surprised me, I didn’t think he’d be so natural at pic battles but he had some bangers. I wish Blue would have stuck it out always enjoy his shit

Tbh zuch, username were my favorites. Adverse Mac and wanderer really elevated in this tourney. Top Ill was trash but I chill with that dude at the bar and pick up chicks.


Is there anyone you wish you could’ve battled? Any matchups you wish could have happened?

Destroyer

Hush

I was hoping I’d get to battle User I faced about everyone else I believe, Top Ill was a fun one.

Zuch... I deff could have beat that Dave verse in the contenders and don’t get me wrong zuch is dope but I thrive against those big names.


Anyone stand out to you in a negative way? Talk your shit if you want.

nope everyone is cool

Barc for obvious reasons. I do think he’s dope though and will vote for him if he wins. Hate voting is idiotic

Barc talked his shit in the chat but never hoped into the gauntlet per usual. That’s to be expected. Quiz was a headache lol


I’m never voting on a Barcotic battle again or showing to battle him.


Who do you think has the best chance to win the playoff tournament?

Zuch or resin, mostly because of the consistency both displayed along the league. Runner up is username

Going by what the voters like right now I’m guessing Zuch or User.. Resin always in with a shot

Think it just depends who gets hot, there’s a lot of established players in this tourney. Though Zuch seems like the clear favorite atm

Zuch, username and Res. Could go to any of them


The topical tournament is starting up but nothing is coming on the battle front. What, if anything, would you like to see next in Netcees battle scene?

An alias tag tourney sounds fun, or whatever to keep the fun and motivation up

I don’t care I just like to battle. Not one for topical. Hopefully another tourney soon

I’m excited for the topical tourney, that’s kind of more my element as opposed to straight battle verses. But would like to see a quick battle tourney shake out as well? Sort of in the same vein as the Now or Never tourney

Tag team let’s go

Thanks for doing this interview. As usual, you get the last word for shout outs/put downs/callouts/callins/Collins/Nawlins/whatever.

I enjoy Max Collins’ music

I’m dropping an audio compilation of stuff I recorded like 2014-2019 called ‘Wasted Youth’ just to bring light to a lot of my audio stuff that didn’t get much shine a few years back, kind of bring that stuff back up for Netcees. I have a couple audio joints in the Audio section if anyone wants a preview.

Other than that I’m pretty dormant, ready to write a masterpiece

Thx for having me


[Contender Profiles]

1. Zuch, aka TOP iLL DRAGSTER TWO

Originally Posted by Week 1 Mag

...he can hang with our best...

The man to hold the champion spot after 3 out of 4 champ matches this season. To say it’s deserved is entirely fair. To put an asterisk next to that statement is entirely fair as well, since two of his three champ match wins are off of no-shows, his one win by votes being over Dave. I’d argue that his verse against Blue was his strongest of the season and while he had some hilarious moments against Dave, the final quarter of the season begs the question - will our relatively untested champ be able to prove, in single elimination format - that he deserved to reign for half of the season?

Alright, enough narrative shit. Zuch’s here because he’s dope. He’s been keying verses as TOP iLL and dropping some amazing verses in under 10 minutes, then still making it all the way to the champ matches while voting against himself as TOP. Both of the accounts had one thing that made their verses stand out: Humor. Jesus christ, Zuch vs TOP was one of my favorite battles of the season because of how genuinely funny it was. Zuch had some of the funniest pic specific roasts of the season and it just comes from his keen sense of observation and hilarious references. Whether it was the ‘bitcoin future’ line or comparing his own facial features to David Lynch movies, Zuch’s brought us some of the most memorable bars of the season and if he isn’t burnt out, he’s one of my two picks for the season champ match.


2. evaD

Originally Posted by Week 3 Mag

he’s definitely got skill

Our second seed is here for showing up with arguably the most consistent season run out of any of the top 8. Dave didn’t necessarily drop a 20 line verse of the week each week but he always had more than enough to make his case. The consistency factor is obviously huge, but the big question mark is the same one that I had for him in his champ match: can he bring the KO punches he’ll need to stand out against the absolute cream of the crop? There’s no forgiving path to the champ match for him. If he can drop just one or two of those per battle, it’s safe to say that he can keep the rest of his verse solid.


3. Resin M-I-C

Originally Posted by Week 1 Mag

...might be the meanest human being in text… Resin actively wants you to feel worse about yourself if you battle him

I stand by everything I wrote about the guy in week one. Seeing what he can do to someone else’s pic, despite being exactly as expected, blew me away at times. He’s personal, mean, and more than that, can tie it all together with a pic, which is exactly how he notched Zuch’s one L of the season in week 2. Resin’s been taking time off since the first half of the season but came back to remind us that he’s competing for a reason. Without rest, he’d be challenging. Rested? Lama help whoever has to face him. Resin is my other pick (along with Zuch) for the NPL finals, but I’m probably most confident about him making it - not just because of the playoff path. Resin’s had some of the most devastating takes on his opponents and he’s made them out of both personal, insightful observations and the most basic traits we can see. His week 1 verse against Seth had some of the most creative fat bars of the season (and I think at least a third of you are pre-diabetic). Resin is, as ever, one - if not the one - to watch.


4. UserName

Originally Posted by Week 1 Mag

god damn is he a funny battler….With his creative angles and funny style, I’m sure he’ll make any adjustments needed and quickly.

UserName, capital N, is a venerable text ICON for a reason. He’s absolutely dope when it comes to funny roasts, but he’s subtly shifted his focus over the course of the season to what he’s seen getting attention and quotes (subsequently votes) - his opponent (as opposed to their background). User’s proven himself to be text’s Midas. Whatever he targets becomes comedy gold. When he focuses on the right aspects of his opponent’s pic, we’re bound to see some fire. As the most effective anti-fat bar weapon, User frequently demonstrates funny integration of the scenery
with roasts that start with something basic but become something dope. As a reader, you don't have to think too hard to know it's dope, but those lines are well crafted by this absolute ICON.


5. FGR

Originally Posted by Week 1 Mag

...great presence… the kind of person who thrives on having someone to diss.

FGR is one of the two people to have some success in keeping things gritty this season (the other being Hush) and it helped him a lot through the first half of the season. After a strong start, his record fell off, but his verses didn’t necessarily. While his competition definitely picked up (as it should when you go undefeated for the first half of the season) the formula of ‘find an object in the pic -> make it a weapon’ got a little stale, but he’s had some undeniably funny roasts. His biggest weakness seems to be keeping a longer verse consistent, which can really hurt him going down the stretch in the playoffs when the line floor goes up. If I were battling FGR, going the max would be a no-brainer.


6. Destroyer

Originally Posted by Week 1 Mag

Des will give you all the ammo in the world but still give you a run for your money

Des’ season has quite lived up to his past pic battles, but god dammit, he’s here, and that’s all you need. He’s a funny guy who can turn small details of pics into a surprise banger, which he’ll absolutely need to do when his list of potential opponents are mostly boring people with boring selfies who occasionally are holding crustaceans. Des has shown shades of impressive, funny lines, but his late season performance has me worried. He’ll need to flip a switch to make it into round 2, but his first round opponent is a living ‘no time like the present’. More on that in the previews.


7. Bomb Bard

Originally Posted by Week 1 Mag

He can absolutely be funny and personal

The lobster king himself. Spree’s record features two disappointing no-shows, but that’ll happen, especially when you put off dropping until the last second. Spree’s biggest weakness has to be that he’s putting his verses together at the last second, but the way he’s handled some of his opponents’ pics has been solid. I’d argue it’s better to be too simple and hit than go for too much, and if anything, Spree errs on the side of simplicity. It’s a double edged sword: he rarely misses, but he doesn’t have those standout bangers that swing a battle. If he’s going the distance here, that’s exactly what he needs.


8. Wanderer

Originally Posted by Week 1 Mag

...every time I read his verse I find myself thinking that he’s juuuust on the cusp...

I gotta say, despite being 8th seed I wouldn’t put Wanderer as least likely to be a finalist. It sure as hell wouldn’t be easy, but he’s got plenty going for him. Despite an obvious adjustment to pic battles made over the course of the season, Wanderer has won the mental game already. He’s feeling himself and his verses. A lot of other eighth seeds would’ve answered those questions with a goofy smile and an ‘I’m just happy to be here attitude’, but Wanderer, NBL’s runner-up, is here with something to prove. He’s got a chance to make a statement here with two big factors working against him: he’s the only one of the top 8 to not have a bye week, and he’s starting his playoff journey against the reigning champ, Zuch. Wanderer’s been consistent, but really hasn’t had a huge punch this season. He’s also the only one here who I still notice using first and third person in the same phrase - a huge mechanical error that almost always makes your bar read clunky. Looking forward to seeing what our wildcard has got.


[Previews]


1. Zuch vs 8. Wanderer

I guess you guys didn’t want a preview because you dropped before mag day? Okay f u 2. It’s already open. Go vote.


2. evaD vs 7. Bomb Bard

If this were a regular season battle, I’d assume they’d go 12, Spree would key his verse around 1 AM, and Dave would take it on consistency. This battle really depends on Spree. Dave’s consistent as all hell - he’s the number two seed for a reason - and some of his best lines of the season came in their regular season meeting. If Spree can up his game he’s capable of keeping it close or snagging the dub, but as it stands, I expect Dave to win on that consistency.


3. Resin M-I-C vs 6. Destroyer

If you read my profile, you know I see Resin as being the most likely of the 8 to be in the champ match. That’s not writing off his opponents, that’s just how good he is in a normal situation and how clutch he is in the playoffs. He makes the funniest, meanest bars seem effortless and after seeing how he turned ‘fat’ into some of the best punches of the season, it’s easy to see this battle as ‘Resin throwing old punches’. Destroyer will need to pull out all stops to win, and a win here would be a statement for sure. Des has been considered especially lethal in pics, and while I can’t count him out, it’s hard to bet against Resin in a playoff situation.


4. UserName vs 5. FGR

Between my profiles and their early season battle, you should be able to guess how this goes. The higher the line limit goes, the better the odds are for User. He’s definitely had bangers in most of his verses, but even his most rushed have been consistent enough to win. FGR is good for a solid 10 or 12, but whenever he has to go 16 it really feels like he has to go 16. User is an understandable favorite here, having thrown some of the best fat punches of the season (and seen most of the rest), FGR will need a few creative angles that go beyond scenery. User’s aiming right for the jugular the last few weeks. Without an equally direct counterattack, this could be an uphill battle and fast.


[Outro]

Shoutout to User for his contribution. Shout out to Zuch for the one track that isn’t my bullshit. Don't forget to hit up the roast and drop dope. Stay tuned for a full season highlight reel in the next mag. We've had a good season so far, let's make sure it finishes that way. Peace