WEEK 4: Contenders: dead man vs Universe - UNI WINS 5-3

[Inno]

GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE


@dead man @Universe

Max line: 30

Min: 10

Check in: 48 hours after thread post

Due date: April 16, 2020 EST

GOODLUCK!

[Universe]

Cool. Check.

Best of luck, dead man.

[dead man]

You too man

[Universe]

Chapter Two - Before Life

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=142626

Chapter Three: The Water's Edge


*50 line limit, as agreed upon.

"But, I argue, if a single drop falls into the ocean, it creates ripples. And these ripples spread. And perhaps - who knows - these ripples may grow and swell and eventually break foaming upon the shore." - Margaret Weis

......

I love my older sister, since we were young I followed in her footsteps
We were always in the same boat until she got swallowed up by the depths
I wanted to confess the very day I took that unusual risk
When the water's edge reflected the self esteem of an opportunity missed
This is how life's fountain's measured, I told myself it was now or never
And whatever I decide we will grow up or go down together
But I'm getting ahead of myself clearly, apparently the past drowns fear
Believe it or not it wasn't hard to find common ground around here
And that's saying something; Just look at the weight our pact carried
My reactions vary cuz I'm afraid of nothing, and that scares me
A cherished memory: We'd sit on the window sill talking for weeks
I'd kill all of these thoughts that don't bleed -- but still water runs deep
My sister's cistern's got leaks; Being on a different wavelength's odd
I hate that the song of her life was cut short and my days stayed long
My sister taught me everything; How to ride a bike and write these letters
We laughed, we swam, we cried... we passed the time together
Yet the waterfall divided us, she always dived while I stood
She couldn't just dip a toe in without slipping in an entire foot
Why bookmark a page when our happiness ain't in the cards?
Unearthed truth basically mars; I just wish it didn't break me apart
Like when water reached her ankle, my insides shook out diamond shards
The blood rushed in, by and large, no hiding the fact I was hard
Tucked it in my drawers, watched intently for teeth in the water
In retrospect I don't know what's worse, seeing or NOT seeing a monster...
But over the decades we grew; She got married and had babies too
Her husband vanished with lame excuses... that's when I made my move
No topping the earthquake that loomed, it was no ordinary fissure
I was plain consumed, I grabbed her hips and then forcefully kissed her
I felt her go rigid; "I'm... I'm sorry" was all I could say
She recoiled back and said "I love you brother... just not in that way"
Pain burned right next to my brain, I guess hell had found a neighbor
The next sound she made was a yelp as I held her down and raped her
She begged for help, I banged her hard, busted inside to state my cause
All communication stopped... that's what I would call a pregnant pause
My mind was barely hanging on, rafters were fastened to a cord quick
The rope cut when my phone buzzed, the text said 'I had an abortion'
Of course she filed a restraining order, but to me it was an obvious lie
She didn't press charges (yet)... I took that as a positive sign (plus...)
I went to her apartment that night with an 8 inch serrated kitchen knife
Grabbed her hair from behind, wrenched it back and severed her windpipe
I kept cutting in the dim light, trust me I couldn't make this up
Cleaned every trace of blood, placed her head in a box and taped it shut
Dissolved body parts in the tub, left her kids dead in the office loft
Brought the cardboard box to the edge of the waterfall, then tossed it off
I think the box said 'Columbia' on it... it's weird that was written
Cuz what lives in my mind will forever be seared as an image
Isn't it strange how people blinded by love have to disappear to see visions?
I'll plead the fifth as seasons shift, but I'll return here every year to re-live it...

I miss you, sis.

[dead man]

fuck

what a trip. we came from skittles and juice
salvation army T-shirts. Velcro timberland boots
Big Red cinnamon chewing, loogie spit, the picture of youth
kiddie pool in water wingies. kick off our shoes
Capri-Sun kids in the hall, we hardly made it to school
lost ourselves for years inside a playstation 2. you're my
best friend. techdeck tony hawk we learned how to skate
between throwing rocks at taxicabs and running away
fuck. what a shame. we ran for miles in the rain
hide-and-seek tag until our ankles were sprained
circling bases. tennis balls, aluminum bats
netscape navigator, napster we're maturing too fast
how stupid is that. its hard to paraphrase the beauty we had
awash in innocence and arrogance and viva la bam. there was
no chance. we only watched our folks and followed example
smoked our stolen Parliaments and coughed in our hands
balled into fists. palm sweats, another malt liquor binge
our footsteps to the corner must be carved in cement
borrowed and begged. dollars and cents. Vicodin trance
your ma was buying black tar. the apartment was trashed.
we were 12 and a half, making castles in sand
now we're 21 and living in a Heineken can
talking fast, frantic energy and stereo bass
spirits in our flask to keep them spirits away
wait, i'm serious, wait. hey. don't die on me now
i need you to light this. hey
i think he's out.
just let him go. fuck. i'm drowning in this rickety boat
steely resolve, steel revolvers to my temple and throat
just let me go.
it's getting old. one day i met her in passing
exchanged a few text messages and never looked back
much to your protest, i left the second she asked
we chased god for long enough to give the devil her dance
man. how did this happen? i was searching for more
wandered towards the water but you pulled me ashore. not anymore
sink or swim i'd rather jump in the river
and die, than be too scared to make a fucking decision
goodbye. i'll be in murky depths, this summer and next
scavenging sunken treasure in the wreckage we left
i'll be back
i promise. save me a seat
for whenever this water gets way too deep. i mean
there's only a chance that my body floats
but it's gotta be better to drown than choke.



jump in the river



thanks

[Pharaohs Army]

Ugh. I can see why no one's touching this. Really tough vote here. Read them both a couple times yesterday but I'll do due diligence and read again now....

OK then

Two talented writers, clearly

Universe
I wanna say Universe tried to win on shock value alone. I will neither reward nor punish his gruesome content. Just take it for what it is. Quite a "buildup" before it "got weird" (like 26 lines or "normal stuff" before he kisses his sister). But I guess this can be afforded when you're going 50 or more.

I guess I'm a little skeptical about how realistic it is to get away with murdering multiple people (one beheaded). But if he returns to the waterfall every year to re-live it, that must mean he's not in jail. So again, everything about this verse is over the top. But it is technically sound throughout.

dead man
As is dead man's.
dead man is a victim of his own consistency here, in that i've read so many of his verses before and they're all good, but some common tropes seem to crop up all the time and "dull me" to the power of the verse.
In the beginning part I truly had a flashback to my childhood with all of his references
circling bases. tennis balls, aluminum bats
EVERY DAY YO
smoked our stolen Parliaments
YEP
Verse seemed to change course after this line:
spirits in our flask to keep them spirits away
There is a definitive change in style and content
Forgive my reading comprehension but after this not only does the style change, but I believe it becomes an extended metaphor (drowning in the deep water of life?)
I personally think more of the first half/ past tense memories might have won it for me. But the change threw me off

I'm nitpicking of course, that's because it's so friggen close. Two totally different verses.
I seriously considered calling this a draw and saying "just take this feed, someone else vote"
But I'm self-conscious and believe that would be viewed as a cop-out SO

I'll V Universe who probably had an advantage by going longer. But it was a narrative that kept me reading. But I'm still torn and hope dead man (with the more artistic verse) gets some votes too to make this a close one.

[Adverse]

I agree with Pharaoh here, this is a super tough vote which is exactly what you'd like to see out of a contender's match. You guys are two of my favorite writers on the site and i kind of assumed this would be clash od the topical titans, so I'm glad i wasn't disappointed. I believe i predicted a toss-up in the mag but unfortunately somebody has to lose here, so let's start with

Universe:
Your narrative choice this week was interesting. Your first half before the horrors really started had me engaged definitely and i liked how you were incorporating the theme throughout "We were always in the same boat until she got swallowed up by the depths" "water's edge reflected the esteem of an opportunity missed" really loved those couple of bars and the picture they painted compared to the picture you were writing based off of. The first half of your verse is eerie, and i felt the grievance in it but honestly i was not prepared for the twist it caught me way off guard. I don't think it's a "bad" narrative choice though even though it kind of haunted me lol it was just so far left field that i was sort of shell shocked as a reader, and as if the rape/abortion bits weren't enough then the murders come along and it's just kind of brutal, which speaks to you as a writer because honestly i was cringing like i was witnessing these things happen in person. I liked the closing bars too, they did a good job bringing closure to a crazy piece. You took some risks here and i upon first read i didn't know if they paid off but now I think they did.

dead man:
I really love your pieces man. I just love how they ooze with nostalgia all the way down to the product placement (capri suns, tech decks, tony hawk) it just brings me back to my own youth as well. Really liked how smooth flowing your verse was, it just transitioned very well. I also like how you don't have to paint a visual every bar, sometimes it can just be a phrase or even a word and it still keeps the piece moving forward. I think you were very methodical with your piece and didn't stray from tradition much. I also liked how the ending really brought your picture you were painting to the forefront, i think those last four lines are some of my favorites from the verse. "for whenever this water gets way too deep. i mean
there's only a chance that my body floats
but it's gotta be better to drown than choke." Really liked that bar.

This one is hard to call i went back and forth on who was the winner and really wanted to avoid picking but i finally settled it. My vote goes to Universe i think he just really crossed some boundaries with his verse and while dead man had an awesome piece i don't think he took many risks like Universe which sometimes doesn't pay off but i think Uni's did this time. Two complete polar opposite pieces and both verses probably would have beat any other opponent y'all would have faced. Hate i had to pick just one both of y'all are incredible writers.

V/Uni

[Scar]

Universe, this was very creative. how you got that plot from that photo is pretty impressive fam. I like some of the literary devices used like that foreshadowing with the go down together line. It shows the time and effort put into the craft which is always a good thing. some poignant moments like the toe and foot line, which breathes "life" into the verse in its mundanity, if you will. The flow was on point. Every rhymes and assonance hit right on cue. rhyme selections were a bit basic for your caliber of writing risk/miss - or never/together luckily, for the most part, you kept the rhymes fresh and innovative. The issue i had with this piece was the actually story itself. I don't mind the shock value but there seems to be a missing component. Mainly the why, right? I felt he developed feelings for his sister due to childhood memory? Its really a stretch in terms of motivation you know? it's hard to describe but something was missing that didn't rest well with me. Some of the wording kind of broke tone. the initial tone of the first half was a dramatic, intimate portrait of forbidden desire, then it got weird not in concept but in execution, like this, "The next sound she made was a yelp as I held her down and raped her
She begged for help, I banged her hard, busted inside to state my cause
All communication stopped... that's what I would call a pregnant pause"
it was almost jovial which although reflects the insanity of the character, broke the sophisticated tone of the first part of the film. I don't know why but that bothered me. Other than that, this was a well thought out verse that i can always expect from you, my man.

Deadman, this was great. the pacing here was perfect. it was a series of montage with just the right verbiage to conjure this nostalgiac feel. the first four lines showcased carefully selected words to capture the veneer of youth. And i think the strength of the verse hung heavily on that type of audience interaction or rather relation with those connotations. It builds up like a calm orchestra piece, crescendoing in grand fashion that someway somehow still maintains a somber understated feel, you know? i think the verse tells of a dilemma of the heart. the main character is wrestling with a decision where the outcome is nestled in uncertainty, there lies his dilemma and i dug how effective you were able to craft this around the picture. lots of great lines also. the cement line was great as was the god and devil line which very much encapsulate the story here.

vote dead man. the truth is, universe is my favorite writer in the league. i think besides lars, he's a writer who really loves the craft and always gives it his 100 percent and it showed. i really want to cast the vote to him and happy that the two before me already did, but i think deadman outwrote him here in style and concept. It was woven in nuanced threads whereas universe was very action pack, the relatability of dead was more entertaining to me.

[Diablo]

Damn, this is a tough one to vote on, let’s bless this one with a super vote:

Uni: I’ve actually wrote a few pieces using both an incestuous angle and a murderer angle, I don’t think I’ve ever mixed the two in truth, it reminded me of Dexter Morgan with his boat so I don’t know if that was alluded to or what but I’m a fan of that series also. I loved the foreshadowing used, right from the off with “I love my sister,” that on a second read actually gives it a far more sinister meaning. Lol. “Following in her footsteps,” is another one too, right from the jump, so I hope the readers are paying attention to what you’re doing because those subtle things are dope. The technical merit is prevalent throughout, showing a high degree of skill being balanced with a good rhythmic cadence to assist the flow, which is difficult to do so I have to give you credit in that regard for sure - you’re a very good writer. I personally would like to see how you fared against a @Pinot Grij type character or maybe a @CopyPat as I think the styles would mesh well together and make for an interesting battle. Great work, Uni.

Deadman - This piece is sprinkled with classic you, notably in the “balled into fists. sweaty palms, malt liquor binge” line for me as it has a real nostalgic feel many of us can relate to for sure. Interestingly in this battle though, for me, is how Universe took a character based approach to storytelling while you opted for more of a scenic route with a collage of nostalgia to show how these two shared so many memories, a sepia-tinged look at their storied history together almost, which actually brought your characters to life - lifting them off the page and placing them firmly in reality - by making them very real and relatable. These weren’t just used as plot devices, or didn’t feel it, they were very tangible believable beings and that made them relatable to the reader. You felt a kinship to them. You cared what happened to them and wondered where they would ultimately end up. I appreciated the hanging rhymes and lead-ins you utilise so well, and for what it’s worth I thought the style used more so in the second half of the verse suited you better as far as your writers voice - it became more conversational sounding, less scatterbrained and more focused in its rapidfire delivery. Now, for those who like the direct approach to the picture - I think Universe utilised it well, and actually transcended the picture as he build his story around it with his allusions to them “being in the same boat,” etc while you took a more abstract approach to the topic at large, but made it personal to you and that will divide some readers for sure depending on their preference.

I’m not concerned with the difference in line limit to be honest, I’m judging this one solely on both your merits and which I personally preferred of the two - which I both enjoyed as I knew I would because I’m a fan of both your work. Now, that said, the shock factor someone mentioned previously in Universe’s piece also has a bearing on my thoughts because it’s something I’ve covered myself previously, both the murderer take and the incestuous sister one, so while it was different to what I’ve wrote myself in the past and I can appreciate the thought process behind it - it wasn’t so fresh (to me) as it might come off to the majority of writers involved currently because of that. It doesn’t take anything away from my enjoyment of it, but by the midway point I had an inclining of where we were headed. Lol. Being a fan of Dexter probably had a part to play in that also, but alas - this was an inform Deadman showing, maybe not quite at his best but his experience shows throughout. I felt the first half was spent well on character development, in rooting these characters in people’s minds (and hearts) where the latter half of it was where he really tried to anchor it emotionally somewhat with a bit of a metaphoric conclusion to proceedings. For what it’s worth, I preferred the more ‘free form’ style that section had in contrast with the beginning. It just read more naturally, and as I said, was more conversational. I feel in terms of the actual topic, I would have perhaps gone more the Universe world building route than I would have the Deadman route. This is what ultimately decided things for me, I think, and that’s because I’ve gone down the path Universe also tread here twice before, so maybe conceptually it wasn’t as fresh (to me) as it will be to some readers where as deadman presented something of a nostalgic natured snapshot that used the topic in a broader, yet more sweepingly personal, sense and made it unique to him (while also really relatable to the majority of us). I’m not even a fan of skateboarding but I was down with the Tony Hawk game for instance. Lol. Dope battle fellas.


EDIT: After several re-reads I’ve found myself more drawn to the actual storytelling directed at the image provided over the more kind of vague and abstract personally orientated piece Deadman has at its heart. It takes nothing away from it, this one divided me, but on multiple reads Universes stands up for me personally - I think probably because I’m of a more storytelling orientated background and appreciate the skill involved in that more than most. It’s difficult to do. This is close so I didn’t want to change my vote but my heart rules my head I guess:

Vote - Universe

[Bodey]

ugh, jesus christ. a lot of close verses in this round man, this is the second one i've been like damn, i dont even wanna vote. too talented for your own goods

Uni- this verse from you surprised me, i didn't see it going that direction, and i even combed the piece over hoping this brother wasnt blood-related, as if that would justify the maliciousness of his actions. My reactions vary cuz I'm afraid of nothing, and that scares me very good. i liked that this told a pretty direct story, there was no room for really questioning what was going on. i do wish you put more showing-description into your piece. like instead of just saying he outright raped her, describe his actions so the reader could picture it, because that was a significant shock value to the whole piece. but i like morbid shit, and you took it to another level here.

dead man- you've always had a fantastic history of really outlining details and putting a picture to your pieces. i havent had that much nostalgia in a long time, shit had me on memory lane for a second, and i liked the relatable content. you've always been a master of straight-forward portrayal on anything you write, and it's the main reason the reader can stay so engaged throughout.

my dilemma is that i liked dead man's writing better, and found his style more creative. but Uni's story was more creative. which is why i think he EDGED this, on sheer principle that he took this picture to a more imaginative direction. ugh, i hate myself for having to make a choice but

v/ Univ

[Vulgar]

Universe - Good take on the topic. I liked the personal touches you gave throughout the verse, symbolizing the changing, monstrous nature of the relationship licking the edges of the boat, the vessel of the man's life. Did the verse not mention any underlying psychotic tendencies or sadistic personality traits? If someone rapes their sister so suddenly upon the first instance of rejection, that's not usually the time to begin raping or assaulting, but in this case, he went right for that action. I think the Columbia box may have also had some symbolism? The statue of liberty, on the water, and isn't she the deity Columbia (I haven't checked in awhile). Overall, the verse showed polished rhyme schemes and a good command/focus on the theme. Cinematically, the story was a bit rushed and I know this is due to the medium, the line limit. It's hard to really execute a full-bodied story with rhyme requirements and length limits... the twist came pretty suddenly for me. I didn't think the character had that in him. There weren't many indicators prior, aside from the photo itself as a prelude/guide post. The story didn't line up for me and that's my only critique -- that the main character wasn't also involved in the relationship demise of his sister's husband -- and his homicidal mania resurfaces in mid-adulthood? Great effort and conceptual/action sequences, looking forward to your next.

dead man - This was a nice collage of childhood memories and some drug escapades by a young bunch of rascals. The wordplay was very good in some spots, like the steely resolve. Running for miles in the rain and Napster struck a chord for me. I felt like the verse was a bit split into two parts: one being the first half, a general nostalgic reminder of the early 90s through the mid 2010s (and I could be wrong, just my interpretation). The second half inserted these live characters who engaged with difficulties, substances, making mistakes. In that sense of the split verse, it was still working, because it sort of did a 180 turn towards a more lethal direction. Not nostalgia anymore, but mortal risk. Drowning. Dying from overdose, passing out, possibly heroin injection, etc. The topic lent itself well to that divided interpretation of memories and nostalgia (and then the reality of perishing from bad habits?).

I liked dead man's more as it had a bit more original 'pulp' and he focused a lot on the language and sensations of adolescence. Universe's twist came on a bit strong for me. I was more convinced of the effects of dead man's verse, but both verses had their strengths!

Thanks for the reads.

[Vulgar]

edit: double post

[Diablo]

UPPING FOR THESE TWO GAWDS!

[Ender]

Universe
I liked the idea behind this story. It reminded me a bit of the kind of ideas BlackJesus used to write about back in the day. Shocking subject matter can be incredibly gripping if executed well. The elements of this story were all well constructed. The beginning and the ending of the story were both strong. For me, the middle of the story, while well written, was the section where I felt the line limit come into play. The brother's assault of his sister was handled very quickly in this piece, and given that the piece relies to a certain extent on its shock value, it could have benefitted from a more uncomfortably detailed description. Similarly, there is a time jump right after the assault, given that the sister had an abortion, and it left me wondering what the sister was doing in that time. Obviously your story is from the brother's point of view, so that is a personal nitpick. In all, I always enjoy a good piece of storytelling, and I found your story to be engaging. Well done.

dead man
This piece was less of a direct story than Universe's, and more of an overview of the journey into adulthood of one person in the company of his best friend, or possibly his love (the verse never said this, only mentions the companion as the 'best friend', but who knows). For me, this topical was made up of two distinct halves. The first half was a nostalgic trip through the childhood of the two main characters. By namechecking many of the objects that hold a symbolic link to childhood for many young adults you were able to evoke strong feelings of nostalgia while being quite economical with your words. I found the second half of the verse, when you moved from age 12 to age 21, to be a little more obscure. To me, it seemed like the main character and the girl he was best friends with while growing up, had gone their separate ways. And after that, the boys life had gone downhill somewhat, and he now had a feeling of quiet desperation. That somehow everything had fallen apart for him after the girl had left, because she was the one who kept bringing him back to the path. But I'm not sure that I'm reading that the way you meant it, because I did find it a little more obscure. It also seemed stylistically different from the first half, which I found a little jarring. But overall, this was an evocative piece of writing. Nice job.

This was a good battle. Both of you dropped strong pieces. I thought dead man had a strong first half of his verse, while I did not connect with the second hald so much. While Universe had a strong beginning and end, but the middle felt a little rushed. In the end I will go with Universe, for keeping me more engaged with the verse as a whole. Both great pieces though.

Vote - Universe

[Inno]

universe I thought this was a great piece bro. I think you have the bet storytelling skills ive seen this season. ok so this one starts off a bit slow but once I got to the ending I got why you kept it that way. interesting twist tbh I didn't see that coming on first read. once I re read I could see the subtle clues you planted through out your verse. I thought you made a smooth transition from good guy to bad guy lol. I thought you did an excellent job describing how the dude was teetering on the brink of insanity.

dead man another great verse as well. you to wrote about losing your sister but with a different outcome. I gotta say man your verse is full of nostalgia for me. I loved all the references because I did some of those things. great way to involve the reader in your emotional roller coaster. I really enjoyed your take on the picture I thought it captured the true nature of the picture.


in the end I got deadman I thought his verse stood strong even though uni went 50. plus the nostalgic factor of dead mans verse won me over. great battle I got dead

[Inno]

5-3 UNI WINS