Dear Maker, I've Met My Demise...Exis&Vulg

Exis · 08-29-2013, 11:01 PM

Her hands are tied, literally...
as he stands aside, watchin' as terror takes over...
what a pleasurable moment...
in "I couldn't care less, I lead a hampered life...
where the very essence is potent...
and beneath the pretendin' I'm only...
what's irrelevant, lonely...
the low standards type"
a no chance in hell kind of nigga when they've failed to plan it right...
he doesn't know where he's headed but he's livin' for prison...
and his poor frantic wife is just an innocent victim...
while he's thinkin' indifferent...
he aims to seek out precision...
grabs a knife, stabs her twice...
then disfigures her figure as he figures he's finished...
"Yo who gives a shit if she's intact upon findin' her...
this is a massive crime...Wow, Imagine the time I'll serve"
what he did is envisioned, forever there to revisit...
and with that his whole minds a blur, head's spinnin'...
he's trippin'...
really fuckin' wishin' he isn't is the immediate feelin'...
it's finally hit him, he's got it...
he's now like seriously wanted...
he turns and peers at her body, then what is obviously clear...
has him removin' the evidence like "I can't be possibly here...
but I was, prayed I wasn't...
yet my fuckin' name's on a warrant...
so even if God did appear there's no erasin' this problem".

Her mind's a blur, literally...
He tries to find the worst simile to describe the cursed memory
of the night he tried to hurt Brittany, or Aliza, Tiffany...
He's a jeepers creepers perversion who immerses in brawls
if girls hang up, they get banged up & hung for not returnin' his calls
she can twerk in the Pontiac as we cruise through this urbanist sprawl
when he sees hipster jeans he HURLS at those copycats
he'll say "I'm your worst nightmare, in a world of insomniacs"
Abusive husband, a predator... whose life's a just cause
so either throw in the towel, or kindly use it to wipe the blood off...
love lust gone. Jaw swollen and shattered, oh lawd, all broken and battered
'I only pick on people smaller than me as payback for Gulliver's Travels'
The judge is holding the gavel... but he's not the type to listen to advice
cause God knows, though he's in for a long tow...
A life sentence won't suffice.

Certain · 08-30-2013, 02:34 AM

I've read better from each of you. The verses were disjointed topically, with Exis telling a story of sorts while Vulgar basically provided a character sketch, which felt even stranger because his verse came second. Some minor touchups would have allowed his verse to go first and give us a better sense of the character for Exis' story.

The flow of the opening section of the first stanza was difficult to pick up. Ellipses are a poor choice because they are used stylistically to indicate a trailing off of a thought. The rhymes were sort of scattered anyway, and the extra pauses made them feel even more spaced out and unrelated. By the time I was adjusted, the stanza had become more conventional anyway. The sections in quotes in the first stanza were weak. The dialogue wasn't real dialogue, and the narration was very inconsistent. Crisper imagery would have been appreciated, too. The key to imagery is specificity, but you dwelled instead on generic body parts without much in the way of description.

The second stanza flowed more smoothly, but some of the same problems continued. The two lines of dialogue were weird, simply not the types of things people say. The ending felt rushed, as though you decided it was time to return to the story but only wanted to cut it short with one couplet. And again, the story didn't move much in this couplet, so it felt like a stall tactic to get to that end.

Generally speaking, collaborative storytelling is difficult and not even really worthwhile. I appreciate the effort, but I think both of you could have done a better job with this topic individually.

Exis · 08-30-2013, 02:52 AM

Thanks...but I've said this numerous times it's not ellipses, 'tis just a habit so don't read it as a pause.
Appreciate the looks.

08-29-2013, 11:01 PM	#1
Exis ............ Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 3,934 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 0	Dear Maker, I've Met My Demise...Exis&Vulg Her hands are tied, literally... as he stands aside, watchin' as terror takes over... what a pleasurable moment... in "I couldn't care less, I lead a hampered life... where the very essence is potent... and beneath the pretendin' I'm only... what's irrelevant, lonely... the low standards type" a no chance in hell kind of nigga when they've failed to plan it right... he doesn't know where he's headed but he's livin' for prison... and his poor frantic wife is just an innocent victim... while he's thinkin' indifferent... he aims to seek out precision... grabs a knife, stabs her twice... then disfigures her figure as he figures he's finished... "Yo who gives a shit if she's intact upon findin' her... this is a massive crime...Wow, Imagine the time I'll serve" what he did is envisioned, forever there to revisit... and with that his whole minds a blur, head's spinnin'... he's trippin'... really fuckin' wishin' he isn't is the immediate feelin'... it's finally hit him, he's got it... he's now like seriously wanted... he turns and peers at her body, then what is obviously clear... has him removin' the evidence like "I can't be possibly here... but I was, prayed I wasn't... yet my fuckin' name's on a warrant... so even if God did appear there's no erasin' this problem". Her mind's a blur, literally... He tries to find the worst simile to describe the cursed memory of the night he tried to hurt Brittany, or Aliza, Tiffany... He's a jeepers creepers perversion who immerses in brawls if girls hang up, they get banged up & hung for not returnin' his calls she can twerk in the Pontiac as we cruise through this urbanist sprawl when he sees hipster jeans he HURLS at those copycats he'll say "I'm your worst nightmare, in a world of insomniacs" Abusive husband, a predator... whose life's a just cause so either throw in the towel, or kindly use it to wipe the blood off... love lust gone. Jaw swollen and shattered, oh lawd, all broken and battered 'I only pick on people smaller than me as payback for Gulliver's Travels' The judge is holding the gavel... but he's not the type to listen to advice cause God knows, though he's in for a long tow... A life sentence won't suffice.

08-30-2013, 02:34 AM	#2
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	I've read better from each of you. The verses were disjointed topically, with Exis telling a story of sorts while Vulgar basically provided a character sketch, which felt even stranger because his verse came second. Some minor touchups would have allowed his verse to go first and give us a better sense of the character for Exis' story. The flow of the opening section of the first stanza was difficult to pick up. Ellipses are a poor choice because they are used stylistically to indicate a trailing off of a thought. The rhymes were sort of scattered anyway, and the extra pauses made them feel even more spaced out and unrelated. By the time I was adjusted, the stanza had become more conventional anyway. The sections in quotes in the first stanza were weak. The dialogue wasn't real dialogue, and the narration was very inconsistent. Crisper imagery would have been appreciated, too. The key to imagery is specificity, but you dwelled instead on generic body parts without much in the way of description. The second stanza flowed more smoothly, but some of the same problems continued. The two lines of dialogue were weird, simply not the types of things people say. The ending felt rushed, as though you decided it was time to return to the story but only wanted to cut it short with one couplet. And again, the story didn't move much in this couplet, so it felt like a stall tactic to get to that end. Generally speaking, collaborative storytelling is difficult and not even really worthwhile. I appreciate the effort, but I think both of you could have done a better job with this topic individually. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

08-30-2013, 02:52 AM	#3
Exis ............ Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 3,934 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 0	Thanks...but I've said this numerous times it's not ellipses, 'tis just a habit so don't read it as a pause. Appreciate the looks.