Secret mind

Gina · 09-14-2016, 04:15 AM

Your internal whispers, locked within the core of your system, decide whether I'm a permanent fixture, or a drifter.

If you listen, you can hear that the echoes never get to your heart. Lost in the pulse of your wrist. Then missing. What kind of impulse is this? A sick tradition, without melodious rhythm? Or all of your own volition does your verbal position afflict felonious assault on my deepest parts? Disregard my erroneous vision, but in times of friction, you tend to dig past my crimson, until our coalition is out of commission, just a twisted eternal condition with a recycled victim. But your no victor if your victim becomes vicious, until your malice isn't quite a malicious.

Exis · 09-15-2016, 06:25 AM

"If you listen, you can hear that the echoes never get to your heart. Lost in the pulse of your wrist. Then missing. What kind of impulse is this?"

That's dope.

Stay precious with it.

PancakeBrah · 09-15-2016, 06:29 PM

"Your internal whispers, locked within the core of your system, decide whether I'm a permanent fixture, or a drifter.

If you listen, you can hear that the echoes never get to your heart. Lost in the pulse of your wrist. Then missing. What kind of impulse is this? "

This was good.

"A sick tradition, without melodious rhythm? Or all of your own volition does your verbal position afflict felonious assault on my deepest parts? Disregard my erroneous vision, but in times of friction, you tend to dig past my crimson, until our coalition is out of commission, just a twisted eternal condition with a recycled victim. But your no victor if your victim becomes vicious, until your malice isn't quite a malicious."

This was a rhymefest and bad.

Eŋg · 09-15-2016, 11:15 PM

yea, the '-ion' suffix, especially clustered together like that, makes for a repetition (!) more than a rhyme. the first like five sentences are good, though.

add. basically what pancake said.

Gina · 09-15-2016, 11:44 PM

Understood. Thank you.

Dope girl · 09-21-2016, 05:57 PM

Last few lines choppy, but you getting there a lil bit.
keep scribbling.

Mr. J · 11-08-2016, 12:52 PM

I thought this was alright, I didnt enjoy the use of rhymes here...
but the beginning was a great way to start, nice work....
there isnt too much to critique here...so keep doing you

09-14-2016, 04:15 AM	#1
Gina Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2015 Posts: 129 Battle Record: 0-1 Rep Power: 0	Secret mind Your internal whispers, locked within the core of your system, decide whether I'm a permanent fixture, or a drifter. If you listen, you can hear that the echoes never get to your heart. Lost in the pulse of your wrist. Then missing. What kind of impulse is this? A sick tradition, without melodious rhythm? Or all of your own volition does your verbal position afflict felonious assault on my deepest parts? Disregard my erroneous vision, but in times of friction, you tend to dig past my crimson, until our coalition is out of commission, just a twisted eternal condition with a recycled victim. But your no victor if your victim becomes vicious, until your malice isn't quite a malicious.

09-15-2016, 06:29 PM	#3
PancakeBrah SOBER Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 12,480 Battle Record: 2-5 Champed - AOWL Season 2 Rep Power: 85899407	"Your internal whispers, locked within the core of your system, decide whether I'm a permanent fixture, or a drifter. If you listen, you can hear that the echoes never get to your heart. Lost in the pulse of your wrist. Then missing. What kind of impulse is this? " This was good. "A sick tradition, without melodious rhythm? Or all of your own volition does your verbal position afflict felonious assault on my deepest parts? Disregard my erroneous vision, but in times of friction, you tend to dig past my crimson, until our coalition is out of commission, just a twisted eternal condition with a recycled victim. But your no victor if your victim becomes vicious, until your malice isn't quite a malicious." This was a rhymefest and bad. __________________ Netcees 2025 Revivalist Movement Founder

11-08-2016, 12:52 PM	#7
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	I thought this was alright, I didnt enjoy the use of rhymes here... but the beginning was a great way to start, nice work.... there isnt too much to critique here...so keep doing you __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

09-15-2016, 06:25 AM	#2
Exis ............ Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 3,934 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 0	"If you listen, you can hear that the echoes never get to your heart. Lost in the pulse of your wrist. Then missing. What kind of impulse is this?" That's dope. Stay precious with it.

09-15-2016, 11:15 PM	#4
Eŋg rhyme capsule. Join Date: Sep 2018 Posts: 2,150 Rep Power: 0	yea, the '-ion' suffix, especially clustered together like that, makes for a repetition (!) more than a rhyme. the first like five sentences are good, though. add. basically what pancake said.

09-15-2016, 11:44 PM	#5
Gina Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2015 Posts: 129 Battle Record: 0-1 Rep Power: 0	Understood. Thank you.

09-21-2016, 05:57 PM	#6
Dope girl Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: I live in Florida Posts: 4,788 Battle Record: 3-8 Rep Power: 55521419	Last few lines choppy, but you getting there a lil bit. keep scribbling.