Week 7: Adverse vs. Breathless (ADVERSE WINS 10-0 SHUTOUT)

[asylum]

Season 6

Verses are due SUNDAY 4/17 11:59 PST

Voting ends TUESDAY 4/19 11:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic: Oh What a Beautiful Mornin'


Good luck to both participants.
@Adverse (1-0) @breathless (2-1)

[Adverse]

A Beautiful Mo(u)rning
Woke up early in the morning, harmonics of my alarm ringin'
Rubbed my eyes, throat tickles, that must be a yawn schemin'
Let it out, stretched, hopped to the edge of my bed
Glanced at my clock, it was the morning, "7" it read
Plenty of time for showering, combin my hair and brushin my teeth
And venture downstairs to see if Mom's made something to eat
This was my ritual, It was a perfect pattern to me..
Made sure that my shoes matched with my flannel and jeans
I tiptoed down the stairs, an aroma in the air...
Of bacon, eggs and toast, so perfectly prepared
Took my seat, told her thanks, took my fork, said my grace
Finished my meal, plate in the sink, now it's time to start my day
I grabbed my sweater, my bag and i'm on my way...
Open the door as the brisk breeze dances 'cross my face
A sea of green grass in front of me, crashing like the waves
Drops of dew glowing in the morning sun, basking in its rays
The doves serenade me with song as I pass...
I hum along to their performing, ensemble cast
Assume my role like i'm just another part of the act
Then I stop and applaud their concert for crossin' my path
At the entrance of school, greet my friends at the gates
It's funny how a little motivation could go such a long way..
BUUUUTTTTTT...
The next day, I woke up to a grey world, drained of color
Alarm screaming in my ear, mashed it into the table cover
Threw my sheets and covers off me in an angry scuffle..
Spent a moment soaking in my misery and plain discomfort
The sun that was shining yesterday still hiding behind the curtains
Like it's unsure of the person I am today, scared of returning to the surface
Every thought hurtin' my head, as I work my way off the bed
Clock mocking me with how I overslept, it's 7:30 AM...
Icicles on my vanity, frozen from the coldness of rejection
Ignore my reflection, what does it matter, i'll never be socially accepted
Who the fuck am I trying to impress? Hair sticking in every direction
Broken is my essence, face hopeless, swollen with depression...
Throw on whatever clothes are convenient at the moment...
Fuck present-ability, i'm barely seeping through the motions
I trudge down the stairs, predictability's in the air...
Eggs, bacon and toast, I sink slowly, lower in my chair..
Only ate half the meal, tossed the plate aside...
Made a scene, didn't even say goodbye, just remarked how I hate my life
Crashed out the door, glaring at the wilted leaves and grass
Clouds above me, the sun still hesitant to peek on past
The shrieking noises of the birds marks another bad performance
I shoo the herd in front of me away, swingin my bag back and forth at them
With a blank stare, I walk right past my friends and them
"What's wrong with him?" "Must be low on his prescriptions again..."
"What do you mean?" "Well his smile's never really been genuine.."
"This the world he really lives in, the other's a product of Zoloft and Ritalin"

[breathless]

Eh, I was not feeling this topic, wrote so many beginnings and scrapped them... Fuck it.



Oh, what a beautiful mourning today.
Going to a funeral in the pouring rain.
Emotionless when no one else is, it's sort of a bit awkward.
But I still remember her tellin me she wished she would've aborted her bitch daughter.

If only they knew the abuse I was forced to go through,
I know then they might've offered some condolences.
Now I gotta do this eulogy, of course, with no truth.
It's my own little secret. She was polite to all the other kids I'd grown up with.

A cookie cutter housewife on the outside, but a monster behind closed doors.
Should I let that pretty picture she painted for the public remain in full form?
The question hangs dangerously at the edge of my teeth as I take my place behind the podium.
Breathless, anxious, feeling faint, lips pressed together as I decide what to open with.

Cleared throat, shifted posture and shuffled the papers.
I can't bear to hear what I wrote… I chuckle and adjust the mic.
"I'm hear today, in front you all, friends of my mother, my neighbors...
ahhh, you know what? Fuck it, she was a cunt, goodbye."

[Just Write]

Well, this was kinda one sided... I expected more from this battle tbh.

Adverse, thought you started out a lot smoother then you ended. Just about before you got to the second day it became a bit choppy but you eventually recovered. I also like how you ended it with the zoloft and ritalin, nice touch. Overall I enjoyed your drop


Breathless.. man you could have taken this had you tried a bit harder, lots of good little tidbits in there, I liked the cookie cutter line the most. Hopefully next week you'll get some motivation back.

Mvgt = Adverse

[2tripple0]

Yeah one sided adverse came with that fire this week enjoyed the end of line rhymes throughout I liked breathless' plot development but I think adverse took u with his rhyme scheme because it contained more structure from what I could take from topic I enjoyed adverse take on the topic again breathless' kept me interested at points but he wasn't able to create so many imitations within his verse and therefore this made it a pretty easy win for adverse but keep it gutter both of y'all did your thing,.....


,......vote: adverse

[Mr. J]

Adverse, you do a great job of telling a story of 2 worlds
the topic you choose is great because its pretty universal
but the twist at the end is what gives it its finishing touch
I think the dialogue could be dropped, you've given enough.
the unbalanced mindset shows from the start of verse 2.
but adding dialogue from others to his thoughts hurts you.
regardless I felt that you put together a great descriptive tale
one that brings reality forth & aside from dialogue, you scripted it well...

Breath, I thought you could have done a lot better.
this was still great & it seemed to all fall together..
but the ending is so abrupt that it felt forced.
it also makes sense with the set up set in course.
the most interesting part was the debate of good or bad
it was a great additive to your piece....good job brah.

v/Adverse, it would be closer if breath would have tried
his verse was impressive & the plot would have worked fine
it just seemed like he was in a rush to get his verse in.
making him deliver but he didnt provide the endings purpose
even a little character development can take a verse a long way
but in the end I feel adverse capitalized with this raw take..
nice battle

[Inno]

Feel like adverse had a more complete story. And more coherent cohesive
Writing. Although breathless shows some flashes of dope ish. Second battle
I read where one verse had so much potential....but. Feel like breathless fell victim
To too many possibilities and in the end what was showcased came out jumble of
Scatter brained.

Adverse I didn't really like some of your stuff in here
Like the yawn scheming line. Tbh the entire first half was decent. I might be off just felt
Like you waisted a lot of time describing and not enough time developing the character.
Dope ish though. Your certain have the skills to go far in this league.

Vote. Adverse for a more complete story.

[asylum]

MVGT Adverse for a wide variety of reasons. Breakdowns to be included in mag. Basically, adverse dropped a real piece and Breathless dropped a no show verse. Which I appreciate, cuz it's better then a no show! but i encourage yall to give adverse some proper feed despite the lopsided showing.

[Artifice]

Adverse

really enjoyed this piece. you definitely know how to tell a story, and you've been doing this for a while (you mentioned getting back into it). Your vocabulary is well used, you balance a good amount of descriptive language and plot narrative together, and the result is a really good read. If i'm being nitpicky

The sun that was shining yesterday still hiding behind the curtains
Like it's unsure of the person I am today, scared of returning to the surface

I think you could've made this rhyme a little better if had used 'riding' in place of 'returning' in the second line. I know that 'returning' rhymes with 'unsure' and 'person' from earlier in the line, but that inner will still work on it's own, and using 'rising' extends the rhyme at the end of the couplet. Just something to consider.


Breathless

I've seen what you can do, and you just weren't feelin' it this week. That's cool, we've all been there. For what it's worth, your verse literally made me lol at the end, funny shit.


v/ Adverse

[timeless]

Advertisement, scheming and ringing was a rough start, farther than a reach for a slant rhyme. Would someone really hum to a doves tune, let alone stop and applaud them? One bubbly fuck. Nvm I see why this was here. Overall a pretty dope read. I was expecting a suicide or something predictable but you brought a worldly issue into the palm of my hands and I loved it. The ending was another weird slant rhyme which didn't sit well with me. I always get u and artifice confused, as both of u are new(?) and have very strong potential here. Your rhyme schemes in this piece were dope aside from the above mentioned.

Breathalyzer test, lol this was interesting, or should I say it could've been interesting? Not a fan of your throw-on ending lol. Focus next week bro, I enjoy your approaches to topics very much.

V. Adverse

[symetrik]

adverse - i keep forgetting I really enjoy your shit then I read another one and I'm like "yo this dude gunna be my favourite on here".

breathless - could have been so great. way in my zone of stuff to write about just didn't deliver the quality I think it could have.

mvgt - adverse

[Frank]

Adverse...
Cool comic book narration. Straight forward, edgy. Dope twist. Night and day, in comparison.Real, relatable, felt old school.

Breathless...
Brutal. Execution wasn't really there, but the premise was sick. Schemes weren't properly aligned, but I saw what you were trying to do there. Introduction is important, though it isn't a make or break factor when looking at the bigger pic.

MVGT Adverse

[Pharaohs Army]

V/ Adverse

adverse-
Thought yours was really good & flowed well
The contrast was cool&well done

some of the early descriptions were generic, but with the tone of this piece that was actually beneficial, i thought.

Part of me wants to tell you to end it abruptly without the friends revealing things, or instead, having the narrator reveal instead of the friends.
But that's more of a creative brainstorm than a critique related to voting.

Breathless-
Breathless, anxious, feeling faint, lips pressed together as I decide what to open with.
Lol. Dope, if it's intentional... considering your little qualifier before you began. U kno I love that kinda shit.. And if it wasn't intentional then that line is conceptually dope by coincidence.

Basically the concept is here-- Given more time you could make this really good
It's a cool/powerful idea, this piece seems a rough skeleton of where you wanted to go if you had really delved in...
The 3rd stanza for example.... That's the one where I see what the whole thing "could be"

Some of your rhyme schemeing is a lil' different than a bunch of other people's I've read.. I think i missed a couple on my first read... Got'um... It's refreshing so don't conform.

Interesting read but I can't vote it ahead of adverse's verse