Week 3: The Law vs. Breathless (BREATHLESS WINS 6-5)

[asylum]

Season 6

Verses are due SATURDAY 3/19 11:59 PST

Voting ends MONDAY 3/21 11:59 PST

RULE
Select your own image from the picture thread.
Line Minimum 16
Line Maximum 48


Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic: Indicate which picture from the picture thread you’re writing to when you drop your verse.

Good luck to both participants. @The Law (0-0) @breathless (0-0)

[The Law]

A World of Irony

A natural born Einstein, always working on the consciousness
But every theory dropped put a dent into his confidence
It was ominous to every document that stated his hypothesis
The consequence? A collision that sunk him to the bottom pits
His prominence faded and his closest relations deserted him quickly
He chose to taste all his failures through bourbon and whiskey
His bank accounts ran dry, his belongings went through confiscation
Everyday his composure cracked and resulted in a altercation
A form of alcoholic meditation placed him into desperation
These depressive applications put his mind in a class of amputation!
The aftermath was filled with loneliness and misery
Sleeping on the streets made his coziness turn splintery
it began with a copious of shivering, frozen while its six degrees
The dark silence consumed any path that was harmonious and silvery
These were his toughest times, invisible to the youngest minds
the dirt no longer a single pixel, but a portrait filled with mud and grime
A scientific genius was the price he paid; a curse of blunder
His mind desolate cause his synapse shots only produce his thirst and hunger
Train of thought?, acceptance of demise; he felt it was a punishment
a fundamental publishing that printed this horrific covenant.
A man without a home, waiting for crumbs to fall off the plate,
tattered clothes and brittle bones, he needed some 'change' tossed his way
But it was fate, that came in and took his movement greedily
Until death comes, forever a part of this grungy human scenery...

It's an ironic world.

years after his death,
his failures would become a success!

[breathless]

Just float, float along, until it all goes away.
Don't hold it in no longer, will the false hope to fade.
Cleansed with the closure of misplaced torture,
it's all over, no more pain from this day forward.

It was the last time she allowed it to happen,
kept her head above water while she drowned in the passion.
Feet finally free from the grounds that she'd stand on,
now she can breathe easy with the knowledge this man's gone.

Dead center in the heat of the moment he leaves her broken,
beaten down, seeing only red through a sheen of emotion.
The scene comes to a close quickly as it takes a turn for the worst.
She'd run, but so simply he'd keep pace with her at first.

She could taste the burden perched at the tip of her tongue,
but wouldn't say what concerned her until it was done.
Those close to her saw the blank look in her eyes, jilted in love.
Taken by surprise, who'd have thought it all ends with him killed by a gun.

Just float, float along, until it all goes away.
Don't hold it in no longer, will the false hope to fade.
Cleansed with the closure of misplaced torture,
it's all over, no more pain from this day forward.

[Just Write]

A natural born Einstein, always working on the consciousness
But every theory dropped put a dent into his confidence
It was ominous to every document that stated his hypothesis
The consequence? A collision that sunk him to the bottom pits

such a solid opener, really liked this man

i did not like the rhyme end -tion going through the middle as i feel its lazy and just blah in general when it comes to text, also splintery? lol really? i know its a word but eww. just stuck out to me, besides those VERY MINOR complaints i actually quite enjoyed this verse, ive read it a couple times since you've posted it, bravo. isnt that just how it is though? we do all the work and who profits? our kids, the future.. it definitely is an ironic world indeed. nice verse.

It was the last time she allowed it to happen,
kept her head above water while she drowned in the passion.

^silky smooth right there and also my favorite part of your verse, so i actually really enjoyed where you went with this, i just wish you would have expanded more on who shot him (obviously it was her... or was it?) regardless i think you could have worded the gun line different, but thats just me being picky, the only real problem i found in your verse was the fact i think it was too short (or at least i wished it was longer) and i really hate when people add the churus style to there verse, i think its a lazy way to reach the lime limit most of the time, not saying it was here.. i just PERSONALLY dont like that.



so this was actually a great battle that very easily can go either way, potential botw material, so im just going to go with who's i enjoyed more because they were both great but i feel i was more satisfied with you piece breathless, thats why this week you get my vote... great battle guys, srs.

mvgt= breathless

[Ad Hominem]

Not too sure if i can vote. I'll drop some feed nonetheless.

The Law: Each multi set flowed well. You related well to the grime image of the old man, giving a vivid image of the phases he's going through. You lacked depth, but that's what I liked about your topical i.e. the direct approach of this "topic".

breathless: Your approach to your image was fresh. One could follow the death scene, instead you took us in her complex dying inside world. Your vocab wasn't as profound as The Law, but your concept was well thought out and executed nicely.

MVGT: The Law. It was close, I believe it might come down to preference. I felt that The Law brought a bit more to the table.

P.s. I understand if my vote is void. Good battle fellas

[Mr. J]

The Law, I enjoyed your take on the topic & it was a route I would have took
your overabundance of rhyme holds back the story & how good it looks...
My issue with the piece is how quick you were to build up on the mans alcoholism
it would have been better to build his background & then add the *fallen* vision..
the direct approach helps your piece but from the start the story is obvious
perhaps its why its titled (A World Of Irony) because from the start it probably is
you held my attention until you switched up the scheme & implemented misery
you started to feel winded & every other line felt like a forced miss to me...
its no doubt you can rhyme...& the first half seemed to showcase that strength
If you kept that same edge in the second half the pace would have been great!
regardless I dug where you took this & enjoyed the read...

Breathless, I really love the poetic approach you brought to the battle
I almost wrote to this pic & our stories would have had some foreshadow
you did just enough for the beginning & end to blend quite well together
the story progressed nicely & with your style it didn't need to go on forever
you add the perfect amount of visual & keep it simplistic yet ambiguous at first
there is a certain beauty you wrapped up between the visions of the worst..
my only issue is the mans gone/stand on approach you took in the beginning
but you saved yourself with enough foundation between the middle & ending
your style is really smooth & made the read feel quick...yet memorable...
nice work...


v/Breathless, I had a chance to read The Laws piece 3 days prior...
I enjoyed the idea at first but after letting it sink in..another taste was acquired
I had seen breathless dropped another piece that caused an uproar
but to come back a couple days later with another piece basically as a *fuck yall*
this is all preference for me, some people may enjoy the laws interpretation
I just felt he lacked the soul that breathless brought, but both deserve the ovation...
nice work brehs

[asylum]

The Law – I’m definitely growing fond of your work but some of your strange word choices threw me off. Like, “made his coziness turn splintery,” for example.. felt forced. Those couple lines after were golden tho, you go back and forth a lot here. I have no idea what your ending meant. I guess this is a picture of an artist? Not really sure. You definitely have a knack for mechanics, and your ability to rhyme is impressive, but I would advise you to really try to incorporate vivid imagery your audience might be familiar with, or connect them in some way to your character. I think it would have made a huge difference.
Breathless – I almost wrote to this picture this week and I’m glad I didn’t because you probably did it better here than I would have. But I got the same feeling from it you portrayed. You nailed exactly where I wanted to go. That being said, you truly could have done more. I do realize you wrote to different pieces this week and I applaud your willingness to do so, however that’s not going to have an effect on my vote. You wrote a very emotional piece and did an excellent job but imho you could have done more with it and I too am not so fond of chorus in topical writing.
Mvgt the law this week because his piece was more polished. What he lacked in emotion, he made up for with substance. His story was more complete. But this was close for me, because had Breathless developed his piece more he would have an absolute masterpiece and if you were revise this and post it in the open mic brother, tag me.

[UnbornBuddha]

TheLaw: This is the first work I remember reading from you, I can't remember your past work, albeit I've seen you give feed in the past. Interesting title for the piece, a world of irony. Ironic, indeed. The piece had its ups and downs. The downs were some of the word choices were offputting, which you kind of did just for the sake of rhyme. The -ation rhyme scheme is always a tricky one, in many respects the -ation suffix encompasses a lot of good words, but it can be very novice if not properly utilized in an unconventional fashion. "class of amputation" for example is kind of a strange choice of words. I personally don't think splintery is a bad word choice. The narrative and theme were okay, I found no fault and enjoyed it. I loved this image "grungy human scenery" its very strong to me.

Breathless: This is extremely poetic. It doesn't really fall into the rap category, I feel. I really can't say much, I think it was well executed. It had a simplicity to it, but it also has this surreal aura to it that made the whole piece feels transcendent, in a good way. The words that came to mind to describe the essence of your piece is "Beautiful pain". An oscillative state between misery and pleasure, but ultimately pain won out.

Vote goes to: Breathless

[Pinot Grij]

The Law

I really didn't like "bottom pits" - but the rhyme scheme otherwise was dope. Rapid fire pacing, really fucking cool.
Next quartet of lines is not as smoothly paced - I really think you could've done something ridiculously dope with the alcohol flowing / banks account drying up juxtaposition. I wish you did.
A class of amputation? - Nah, that's really awkward wording. I feel things going off the rails a bit here.
a copious of shivering, frozen while its six degrees - rhymes well, but "copious of shivering" doesn't make any sense, it's a grammatical abomination
I like your twist ending, but it was too brief - almost felt like a throwaway. If you spent less time describing his life on the streets (which was an approach that I don't really think worked for you), then you could've elaborated on his theories being accepted and revered over time. I think you had a really auspicious start, but I was disappointed with where the piece went after an incredible first 4 lines.

Breathless

I like the scene-setting, but I think some of the word choice and rhyming is a little choppy.

Next quartet of lines is good - the tense shift in the third line is a bit awkward though and "man's gone" feels weird with the scheme.

I don't like the phrase "sheen of emotion".
The scene comes to a close - dope near-rhyme to start the next line though.

Next stanza is dope - but again, I dont really like the wording of "killed by a gun". The passive construction ruins the emotion that she felt. She actively shot him, right? Then you should construct the statement in an active tense to give ownership to your character.

I feel both battlers made cheap mistakes with diction. I really don't want to vote for either, but I already wrote all this shit, so I guess I have to. I think I gotta go with The Law based on the potential that lied within the storyline. The opener was dope af and I liked the approach, but the execution fell off as things went along. In addition, I feel like Breathless' verse is more easily forgettable because it lacks flair and character.

Vote -- The Law

[Pharaohs Army]

both verses here show some flashes and some potential, but also leave a lot to be desired.

mvgt Breathless
mainly because his verse created some intrigue and emotion

The Law can rhyme, but needs to first focus on clarity&message.

I'm hardly ever "mean" with my (serious)feedback... perhaps that's why I'm keeping this vote brief.
A shame because I see that both writers here have talent.
Both of you have the ability to bring a better game next time

[Razah]

He chose to taste all his failures through bourbon and whiskey

Just because I like my whiskey.

These were his toughest times, invisible to the youngest minds
the dirt no longer a single pixel, but a portrait filled with mud and grime

That was dope. I would've written it a little differently, but I fucks' with it.


Cool verse over all. I enjoyed rapping it, flowed well.

It was the last time she allowed it to happen,
kept her head above water while she drowned in the passion.
Feet finally free from the grounds that she'd stand on,
now she can breathe easy with the knowledge this man's gone.

That was my favorite section there. Your verse drew me in 'emotionally', and I liked that about the verse. I also felt like the other segments didn't quite have that 'umph' like the segment I really liked, which to me hurt the over all piece. I seen you posted a verse to some random picture, and posted this verse after. If you wrote both of those in the same week, I think that's pretty dope in itself.

Anyways, I feel like breathless can write some shit if he manages to consistently write with that integrity. But for now, I feel like The Law had a better over all verse.

vThe Law

[Frank]

The Law...
First impressions are everything. Impressive introductory verse. Some slick turns of phrase and interesting descriptions. Surging flow. Read a piece earlier using this picture and you totally did it more justice. Some mumble jumble, but very dope effort. I was fond of the finale. Completed the excerpt in a profound manner.

Breathless...
Amazing opening couplets up until sheen of emotion. Ironically it took a took a turn for the worst on the turn for the worst line. Nothing too dramatic, just drifted from utilizing the picture as you had up until then. Very poetic repeating the beginning four lines, which was the best stanza.

Toughest decision this week.

Breathless 2nd to last stanza I feel didn't compliment the verse like it needed to. Anticlimactic

MVGT The Law

Good battle. Thanks for the read. Pardon the brevity.

[Adonis]

Breath, I enjoyed the plot very much, but for some strange reason still walked away feeling you could have done more. This is strange because you wrote a complete story, one where a girl is beat by her man, then chased and she murders him. You tied the topic in metaphorically given the girl floats away, this is smart, but my biggest gripe is you should have developed and explored that concept way more in the grand scheme of things. Decent read though regardless, I enjoyed.

Law - "change" didn't need quotations, and you should have developed the concept of sipping bourbon and whiskey correlating to a dry bank account. I also was not fond of, or maybe I missed something, the fact that you never really delved into the reasoning of why he became homeless instead of slightly saying he had a strange hypothesis and people looked down on him for it, then BANG! His failure was success. Solid verse in all, but I think you missed out on a few things that deserved to be developed in order to elevate this verse.


V/ breathless

Better execution of concept

[Artifice]

Sorry for the short vote, having to do it on my phone at work.

Both were good pieces, but I felt breathless had a crisper flow and his story grabbed me more. The law's piece was nice,but there were a few word choices I felt hurt the flow,and it's hard to do multiple 'tion' rhymes anymore without them feeling derivative IMO. Cool showing from both, but...

V/ breathless