Person Man

[Pinot Grij]

Person Man was the superhero the city didn’t actually need
No dastardly deeds captured the streets, things were happy indeed
The criminals were minimal.. but every vigilante needs a purpose
He saw evil lurk beneath the surface of the most routine occurrence
He determined people’s urges for deceit could deeply worsen
So any act he deemed as irksome carried steep incursions. Peep the verdict.

A woman is driving. She gets a text and is minutely distracted.
That’s when ya boy Person Man swoops in to action.
Her larynx collapses with a quick karate chop to the throat
He yells, “Bitch, you must pull off of the road when you talk on your phone!”
But she ain’t talkin’ no mo’ - Person Man picks up her cell
And types, “You’ll see your friend again the next time you’re visiting Hell”
He sees a minivan, a soccer mom with her tot son sitting shotgun
She screams, “I’m calling the cops! You better pray to a God if you’ve got one!”
He tosses his Personrang, it lops off her head and blood pools in the street
Then growls, “You dumb cunt, children aged 5-9 need to be in a booster seat.”
With his duties complete, he sets off with the stride of a savior
To stop some defiant stranger’s violent nature from putting more lives in danger

The middle school cafeteria is filled with the town’s little munchkins
Children crowded in bunches as they sit down for their lunches
Just then Person Man rushed in, as he sees a tubby, fat kid
His katana blade cuts off his hands, still holding a peanut butter sandwich
He screamed, “Foods containing allergens these days aren’t an option!
It seems the only thing this fat shit is allergic to is safety precautions!”
The kid dismayed as he’s gawkin’ at the stumps where his hands had been
And heard, “You’re a worthless match for Person Man, you little faggot bitch!”
A 360 slice opened the kid’s belly, his intestines were dumped on the floor
Person Man ***kled and said, “I bet that tubby dummy’s not hungry anymore!
That child’s sandwich was a menace, just think what it could’ve started”
That’s when a teacher screamed, “You fucking idiot, that kid was retarded!”
Person Man jumped up and split her skull with a deafening strike
And frowned as he said, “The R word hurts, you insensitive dyke”
On his way out, he stabbed the janitor for his thoughtless crime
He mopped the hallway, but neglected to put up the caution sign

Person Man smiled, he was pulling this city back from the brink
That’s when he stopped at the gas station for some snacks and a drink
He gave the clerk a laugh and a wink then went back to the soft drink case
And completely missed the masked gunman who was robbin’ the place
Person Man looked at the clerk and could tell the man had been sweatin’
That’s when the robber grabbed a carton of cigarettes and ran out the exit
The clerk looked confused, he said, “That woeful thief just stole from me!
Holy sheesh! What kind of fucking superhero are you supposed to be?!”
Person Man sighed and said, “Let me just start gettin this straight, then…
Did you just dispense tobacco to that man without checking his identification?”
“But that’s not the point!” The clerk had started to explain

That’s when Person Man jumped on him and started carving out his brain
He muttered, “Teen smoking is a problem, it’s the simplest of facts.”
Then pulled out the clerk’s brain and said, “Next time you’ll THINK before you act!”

Once night falls, he uses the city’s skyscrapers as his platform.
His name is Person Man. The superhero that nobody really asked for.