Anna Did It

The Law · 10-24-2015, 02:33 AM

Verse I wrote on RB for a battle in the topical league. Wanted some more feedback on it.

Anna Did It

Quick get her to the table, she's going into an Anaphylactic shock
Oxygen rate drops, she's barely breathing and her passage is blocked.
We need ventilation in her lungs, We have to start the intubation
The flatline went off and filled the room with broken hearts and devastation.

... on the other side of the glass

"Lucy how did this happen? You were with her and seen, right"
I don't know daddy, I think anna pushed down the beehive.
"Who the hell is Anna? You know how allergic you sister is
How are we going to tell your mother? I can't even picture this"
Anna is little dolly, she said she was protecting me,
She said that she could clear away all of my jealously
"I'm sorry Lucy, your too young to realize whats happened,
It just happened so fast N... The doctor n then the line flattened..."
My father stood beyond the glass, not knowing how it's possible
In and out of the weeping cries that could be heard throughout the hospital.

... 2 Years later

Come on, Anna, We are going to be late for school
No! You know what happens when I break the rules
I snatched Anna up, and kissed my parents goodbye
It's been 2 years and I still see the pain in their eyes
They think it's all my fault, Anna, but you hurt her
And my parents really think I committed a murder!!
...
It's 1:00 now and I'm sitting the principals office
He's on the phone and I can hear my parents just lost it
He told them I pushed the kid off the monkey bars
But it was you, Anna, you really have an ugly heart!!
I was suspended for 3 days, hopped in my parents car when they arrived
No! Anna you can't do that, I don't want them to die!
"What's that lucy? Are you still talking to Anna?
Hand it over now, She's not real and your driving us bananas
Your grounded and your not going to be keeping this doll
You can't hurt other people and think Anna's taking the fall"

As soon as he grabbed her, everything went black
and I woke up, back in the hospital and asked for my dad
The doctor told he'd make it, he had his leg amputated
And danced around the fact my mother got decapitated
But I heard em when he walked out, it was weak and muddled
But I think he told the doctor that there seemed to be a struggle.
It was weeks before we made it home, just me and father
Him mourning his losses, making me feel like I wasn't his daughter.
It wasn't until a year later, I was just turning seven
Finally broke and said I'm the reason that their in heaven
Told me he had a surprise, to bring anna with me
I was excited, I followed him to the garage quickly
But I could tell he was tipsy, smelling like his whiskey
I could feel it, the sorrows and eyes see me as guilty.

Okay, daddy whats the surprise...
"Sit down, lucy, it's time, and I'm gonna say this polite
Anna has to go, your too attached to a toy, it's all just pretend
I'm unthreaded this doll, I'm putting this shit to an end"
Anna said not to do that, she'd said that you'll regret it
She said if you touch one lace, it's a gonna be your death wish.
My father ignored me, reached out for his scissors and a needle
Within seconds the a hammer swung with enough force to be lethal
Smash after smash, creating open wounds and broken bones
He lay their in a puddle and I stand their in a frozen home.
Staring right at one of my fathers creations, just looking at my reflection
Confused... Where's Anna? All I saw was just me and the weapon...

A couple weeks later an officer asked me some questions about my pop and
Told me, with no family, orphanage or foster care was my only options
'I've been through a lot, and my head is kinda foggy
Wherever you take me, we just can't forget my dolly...

2tripple0 · 10-24-2015, 03:37 PM

don't know mate kind of felt like a childs play kind of spin on a verse but it was just really simple and vague when it came to the story I mean was anna the doll that your daughter used to play with and it ended up killing everybody in the story don't know mate it was confusing at points and I think you could have done better with the story if you used different types of rhyme schemes and I think you suffered a bunch from using simple rhymes and it just didn't help the story none....... anyways just my opinion of what I thought of your flow....... no bullshit you could do better and just need to practice and keep reading other people pieces and shit and I think youll get the hang of it in no time....good luck with everything

The Law · 10-24-2015, 04:51 PM

lmfao

e11even · 10-27-2015, 04:38 AM

Wtf bro this was amazing. I felt like this was Goosebumps The Dummy, or Pinnochio(the scary one) or one of the early Chucky's. This style is my preferred method of writing, but it's usually not as crisp as this, despite the few punctuation and grammar issues I did see. This was dope and would be a hard verse to beat in the AOWL if this angle was never properly captured before. Good job bro. I have two pieces open if you care to RTF.

10-24-2015, 02:33 AM	#1
The Law Member Join Date: Jun 2013 Posts: 86 Battle Record: 3-2 Rep Power: 238319	Anna Did It Verse I wrote on RB for a battle in the topical league. Wanted some more feedback on it. Anna Did It Quick get her to the table, she's going into an Anaphylactic shock Oxygen rate drops, she's barely breathing and her passage is blocked. We need ventilation in her lungs, We have to start the intubation The flatline went off and filled the room with broken hearts and devastation. ... on the other side of the glass "Lucy how did this happen? You were with her and seen, right" I don't know daddy, I think anna pushed down the beehive. "Who the hell is Anna? You know how allergic you sister is How are we going to tell your mother? I can't even picture this" Anna is little dolly, she said she was protecting me, She said that she could clear away all of my jealously "I'm sorry Lucy, your too young to realize whats happened, It just happened so fast N... The doctor n then the line flattened..." My father stood beyond the glass, not knowing how it's possible In and out of the weeping cries that could be heard throughout the hospital. ... 2 Years later Come on, Anna, We are going to be late for school No! You know what happens when I break the rules I snatched Anna up, and kissed my parents goodbye It's been 2 years and I still see the pain in their eyes They think it's all my fault, Anna, but you hurt her And my parents really think I committed a murder!! ... It's 1:00 now and I'm sitting the principals office He's on the phone and I can hear my parents just lost it He told them I pushed the kid off the monkey bars But it was you, Anna, you really have an ugly heart!! I was suspended for 3 days, hopped in my parents car when they arrived No! Anna you can't do that, I don't want them to die! "What's that lucy? Are you still talking to Anna? Hand it over now, She's not real and your driving us bananas Your grounded and your not going to be keeping this doll You can't hurt other people and think Anna's taking the fall" As soon as he grabbed her, everything went black and I woke up, back in the hospital and asked for my dad The doctor told he'd make it, he had his leg amputated And danced around the fact my mother got decapitated But I heard em when he walked out, it was weak and muddled But I think he told the doctor that there seemed to be a struggle. It was weeks before we made it home, just me and father Him mourning his losses, making me feel like I wasn't his daughter. It wasn't until a year later, I was just turning seven Finally broke and said I'm the reason that their in heaven Told me he had a surprise, to bring anna with me I was excited, I followed him to the garage quickly But I could tell he was tipsy, smelling like his whiskey I could feel it, the sorrows and eyes see me as guilty. Okay, daddy whats the surprise... "Sit down, lucy, it's time, and I'm gonna say this polite Anna has to go, your too attached to a toy, it's all just pretend I'm unthreaded this doll, I'm putting this shit to an end" Anna said not to do that, she'd said that you'll regret it She said if you touch one lace, it's a gonna be your death wish. My father ignored me, reached out for his scissors and a needle Within seconds the a hammer swung with enough force to be lethal Smash after smash, creating open wounds and broken bones He lay their in a puddle and I stand their in a frozen home. Staring right at one of my fathers creations, just looking at my reflection Confused... Where's Anna? All I saw was just me and the weapon... A couple weeks later an officer asked me some questions about my pop and Told me, with no family, orphanage or foster care was my only options 'I've been through a lot, and my head is kinda foggy Wherever you take me, we just can't forget my dolly... __________________

10-24-2015, 03:37 PM	#2
2tripple0 death warmed over Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Downstairs illstreet dam Posts: 2,564 Battle Record: 6-21 Rep Power: 0	don't know mate kind of felt like a childs play kind of spin on a verse but it was just really simple and vague when it came to the story I mean was anna the doll that your daughter used to play with and it ended up killing everybody in the story don't know mate it was confusing at points and I think you could have done better with the story if you used different types of rhyme schemes and I think you suffered a bunch from using simple rhymes and it just didn't help the story none....... anyways just my opinion of what I thought of your flow....... no bullshit you could do better and just need to practice and keep reading other people pieces and shit and I think youll get the hang of it in no time....good luck with everything __________________ https://soundcloud.com/user-876573949/ https://soundcloud.com/user-634430314/

10-24-2015, 04:51 PM	#3
The Law Member Join Date: Jun 2013 Posts: 86 Battle Record: 3-2 Rep Power: 238319	lmfao __________________

10-27-2015, 04:38 AM	#4
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247259	Wtf bro this was amazing. I felt like this was Goosebumps The Dummy, or Pinnochio(the scary one) or one of the early Chucky's. This style is my preferred method of writing, but it's usually not as crisp as this, despite the few punctuation and grammar issues I did see. This was dope and would be a hard verse to beat in the AOWL if this angle was never properly captured before. Good job bro. I have two pieces open if you care to RTF. __________________ Ahem.