I'm Out

Illume · 06-05-2015, 02:57 PM

SPEED VERSE.

Eyes open to the future, past's present.
Time's broken. Birth'll be my last effort.
I'm a trapped weapon wrapped around half seconds,
Minutes, hours as long as the great seven
Days, last of God's rest, first of stars, heavens,
I see time, space. Life. And it's all lessened by this all presence.
Buddha mind's eye; reflect it's all occurrence.
Energy, swirling stars, fluorescent flourish.
Particles arisen as consciousness. Rare courage
Of the cosmos to give us life without purpose.
I'm out. Worthless.

Tic · 06-08-2015, 11:00 AM

This was kind of all over the place for me. I see a lot of cool concepts, but it seemed that you rushed this (I see it says speed verse). Had you put more time into this I think you could've made the weak connections a bit stronger. Your lines were too short to really delve into the concepts you wanted to, imo. Next time take more time and try to connect your ideas better and I think you could come up with something dope.

06-05-2015, 02:57 PM	#1
Illume Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2013 Posts: 145 Rep Power: 671780	I'm Out SPEED VERSE. Eyes open to the future, past's present. Time's broken. Birth'll be my last effort. I'm a trapped weapon wrapped around half seconds, Minutes, hours as long as the great seven Days, last of God's rest, first of stars, heavens, I see time, space. Life. And it's all lessened by this all presence. Buddha mind's eye; reflect it's all occurrence. Energy, swirling stars, fluorescent flourish. Particles arisen as consciousness. Rare courage Of the cosmos to give us life without purpose. I'm out. Worthless.

06-08-2015, 11:00 AM	#2
Tic Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 1,509 Battle Record: 51-29 Champed - Newbie Tourney VII - Netcees Battle League Rep Power: 20137909	This was kind of all over the place for me. I see a lot of cool concepts, but it seemed that you rushed this (I see it says speed verse). Had you put more time into this I think you could've made the weak connections a bit stronger. Your lines were too short to really delve into the concepts you wanted to, imo. Next time take more time and try to connect your ideas better and I think you could come up with something dope.