Cessate

Illume · 04-22-2015, 10:12 AM

A mind fuck: I’m alive punk. I’m a pheonix rising.
My truth’s are news a pessimist would cry with.
I shout ‘’nonviolence’’ to bring me a triumph.
Then sit silent. And get killed in the tryin’.
So what?
We define what we lie with based on the life that we lead,
I'd die to my senses if it meant my life could be free.
We are bonded stencils lent an image in eye,
To pencil in time in a box with limits in height.
Define trueness. Haha. Moment’s confusin'.
It's order from nature, some constructs from a view shit.
See you're fucked if you don't and fucked if you do it. Lesson.
Best sit in the middle with just riddles and questions.
It's all flux and we cling to the stuff that we've made,
Why, when it's dust and our grave's are the stuff that remains?

Pharaohs Army · 04-24-2015, 01:32 AM

Then sit silent. And get killed in the tryin’.

what are your thoughts on removing "in the".?
Then sit silent. and Get killed tryin'.

You are good at rhyming and rhythm throughout. Well done.

i.m.o., a comma in line 12 wouldn't hurt. notice how you have one above in line 11. Either after "don't", or after the 2nd "fucked". Or, no comma, but capitalize 1 of the words in there to "draw it out"?
^Long story short, I love the "do it" rhyme. But my suggestions are to save fellow readers from re-reading the line.

Some of your metaphors&phrases are either very complicated or don't make sense to me. Could be my fault. I'm daft sometimes. But I'm gonna stand by the statement.
Let me re-phrase it: The metaphors probably make sense but are phrased "complicatedly". Perhaps that is your intention; Make us think, etc.
We are bonded stencils lent an image in eye,
To pencil in time in a box with limits in height.

Your have v.good rhyming abilities. Apply them, to make something with a "wow" factor. I am in the same boat and will do the same eventually.

04-22-2015, 10:12 AM	#1
Illume Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2013 Posts: 145 Rep Power: 671780	Cessate A mind fuck: I’m alive punk. I’m a pheonix rising. My truth’s are news a pessimist would cry with. I shout ‘’nonviolence’’ to bring me a triumph. Then sit silent. And get killed in the tryin’. So what? We define what we lie with based on the life that we lead, I'd die to my senses if it meant my life could be free. We are bonded stencils lent an image in eye, To pencil in time in a box with limits in height. Define trueness. Haha. Moment’s confusin'. It's order from nature, some constructs from a view shit. See you're fucked if you don't and fucked if you do it. Lesson. Best sit in the middle with just riddles and questions. It's all flux and we cling to the stuff that we've made, Why, when it's dust and our grave's are the stuff that remains?

04-24-2015, 01:32 AM	#2
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,956 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	Then sit silent. And get killed in the tryin’. what are your thoughts on removing "in the".? Then sit silent. and Get killed tryin'. You are good at rhyming and rhythm throughout. Well done. i.m.o., a comma in line 12 wouldn't hurt. notice how you have one above in line 11. Either after "don't", or after the 2nd "fucked". Or, no comma, but capitalize 1 of the words in there to "draw it out"? ^Long story short, I love the "do it" rhyme. But my suggestions are to save fellow readers from re-reading the line. Some of your metaphors&phrases are either very complicated or don't make sense to me. Could be my fault. I'm daft sometimes. But I'm gonna stand by the statement. Let me re-phrase it: The metaphors probably make sense but are phrased "complicatedly". Perhaps that is your intention; Make us think, etc. We are bonded stencils lent an image in eye, To pencil in time in a box with limits in height. Your have v.good rhyming abilities. Apply them, to make something with a "wow" factor. I am in the same boat and will do the same eventually.