A Story of Love in a Frozen Hell

[Mercy]

A Story of Love in a Frozen Hell

I would gaze in her pupils, studying our passionate love
Monica Wells, my life.. I could not ask for enough
Though our wonderland would soon perish, I had hoped for peace
And latched onto her love in which she stowed in me
I would brush my lips softly against hers as a "goodnight" gesture
Our love jumped leaps and bounds, far beyond our own measures
We were soulmates.. I felt as if I would never find true love
But after meeting her... I had known that she was the one
I could feel the lovely energy every instance of held hands
But our love couldn't stop what we'd soon called "Hell's Plan"

...

I heard her shattering scream as I rushed to her aid
With wood and rubble on her body, she was stuck in the blaze
As I dragged her to freedom, my mind alerted with danger
Our house in flames, my only main motive was to save her
We bursted through the front door, as I gasp on black smoke
It was like we were trying to rush off of the Titanic
And we scrambled and crammed ourselves into the last boat....

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"John... John!" Monica yelled, her voice faint as John awakes.
"What? ... Where are we?", said John.
"I don't know anymore... we're better off in hell..", she said.
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As soon as those frightful words emanated through her precious lips
I knew that our situation was one that had left us amidst
In the fierce winter of Alaska, we only had each other to hold
As we shiver, shake, and tremble in the smothering cold
I clasped my hand inside of hers and smiled, "Baby, we're good
Only the bad moments leave us waiting for good.
But until we find shelter... these chilling nights will be among."
She shed a tear that looked as crystalized as the icicles above
We arose from the stone-like snow, and trudged toward new hope
As we walked, she glanced, saying "Honey, sing me that song that you wrote."

"I just wanna hold you...
I just wanna be the one you love...
I just wanna live through the tough times
Because if we have each other, that's enough.."

As the sun set behind the trees, the moonlight gazed upon our broken affection
In my thoughts, I was screaming for God to show us a message
But he hadn't, and I had feared that it was too late for a sign
My broken conscious had these fearful thoughts replay in my mind
I stopped her.. looking into her pale, emotionless expression
She looked like a bully's victim trying to hold in her aggression
I could read her exact thoughts.. she had given up the will to go.
I was speechless.. "Baby.. ah.. uhm... listen, soon this chilling slows."
She curled her lip in frustration, trying to hold back her tears
"None of this is getting better, our lives are woefully smeared!
We've been walking for days, I'm hungry... thirsty.. I need shelter."
I could tell her face was sunken in, and I needed to help her.
I picked her up, as I slowly tried to hurry to spot a house
She grew more weary with every step.. I needed to sit her down...

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"Monica.. can you hear me? Monica!" I yelled.
She opened her eyes slightly, "John.... I think this is the end.
Look at us... we're dying in the wilderness.." She choked
"I don't see us making it out alive, John..."
I cleared my throat, crying "I think it is... but at least we die together."
She grinned and said "That's how I always wanted it to be."
I grinned back at her, as we weakly met our lips for the last time.
We curled up together in the snow, waiting to pass away.
As she said "John....... sing me that song, one last time...."
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"I just wanna hold you...
I just wanna be the one you love...
I just wanna live through the tough times
Because if we have each other, that's....... enough.."

[Mercy]

Feedback?

[Mr. J]

I thought this was really interesting the piece carried out very nicely
the flow of the piece was kept, and as it unfurled it showed your emotion
it seems like you tapped into your special area and wrote from the heart
I thought the beginning started off kind of slow, but it picked up eventually
"Hell's Plan" felt like a stretch to fit in there, but it still felt like a smooth piece
really felt like you held your own on this piece, don't know if its personal experience
or if it's just something you came up with on the fly, personal pieces are in a different spectrum
but you did a good job here, keep it up

[Mercy]

thanks man, and yeah its just sumn I came up with. glad ya like it

[Mitch]

i liked this, some of the speech in quotes was kinda weird, but other than that it was all good, and some of the speech was rly good like the dying in the wilderness rhyme went rly well and sounded real. my favourite paragraph was the second one about the fire. From start to ending i loved that paragraph, the titanic line was nice, but u described the fire and panic rly well.