WK8: CopyPat (5-2) vs. Arid (0-0) [CopyPat wins, 8-0.]

King Ra. · 11-19-2014, 04:34 AM

AOWL Season IV, Week 8

OFFICIAL RULES:

Verses are due Sunday, November 23rd, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Wednesday, November 26th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

TOPIC: Click here.

Good luck. @CopyPat @Arid

Arid · 11-23-2014, 09:27 PM

I told ya on the very first day
I'm colder than the very farthest space
From any star adrift out of the way
Wastin each and every damn day
Dreaming of a grand game
More cards hid up my sleeve than in my hand played
Can't pray, pride's the shade provided in my landscape
Plan A to Plan Be a man meek as lamb
Lead em leapin off a cliff like any lemming livin
Let me give them comfort in the darkest dripping caverns of description
I passed up my position in the pattern of existence
Now I'm sittin in this house alone abusing my prescriptions
Refusing all decisions,
Using what I listen to to fuel my prison view
Distant dueling nations, famine, fists in jeweled mittens, mules
Kai-yote's
Sniper-trolling, rivals only, times I'm lonely,
Lie to homies so they don't notice I'm a phony
Fraud, fake, cheat, sneak-thief
Chest deep in the need to be seen
For something by someone, somewhere, somehow
But not now, Wait until the suns out
I'm dancing in a thundercloud wavin guns around
Rancid lungs brown on the inside so they feel me underground
Dumb it down? What the fuck? Is it cuz I'm a clown?
Does my sound drown out yer proud denouncements?
A thousand lousy reasons why you doubt this?
My fantasy is ash in the mouths of the houseless
You should let em crash on your couches.

CopyPat · 11-27-2014, 12:31 AM

Canada. We on that winter wonderland shit
I’m tellin ya, this is what just happens
Where it’s frigid as a bastard
And we chill, but not relaxin
We drinkin outta flasks just to try to stay warm
Getting blitzed, we on our ass every night of a storm
Cause if the climate is poor then we bundling up
And that guy ain’t a warrior with a gun that he’s tucked
We look puffy as fuck, and barely can frickin move
That ain’t body armor, he’s just wearing a winter suit
It’s scary but this the view I have from the lake
And very consistent too, cause that’s every day
We laugh anyways. No matter the weather
And when that ice freezes up then we strap on the leather
Be it hockey or ski’s, and boarding or what
We obviously, were born for this stuff
Cause it’s boring as fuck to be confined at home
So we exploring and such, despite the cold
Ice and snow line the roads and conditions are harsh
Drivin home nice and slow or ya slip in ya cars
This is the heart of the Canadian essence
Winter’s a bitch. But she gave me perspective.

zygote · 11-27-2014, 07:59 AM

Both are pretty descriptive. Arid had a sort of cliched multiple rhyming going on (underground - dumb it down etc + landscape - damn day etc). It wasn't bad but it doesn't compare well against Copypat's longer multiple rhymes on a strictly technical level. Also, I didn't really get any strong connection from Arid's writing to the topic, it was more train of thought rather than a focused effort. Copypat went for a simple straightforward approach and executed nicely. Voting for Copypat.

NYCSPITZ · 11-28-2014, 10:55 AM

Was expecting more from arid due to his decent votes but I'm disappointed now tbh. Just not really feeling the verse, although it seems like it could sound dope on audio. You do audio? Anywho, technically it was mediocre and I didn't really get a rise out of anything in the verse.

Copy's was a bit better but nothing earth-shattering either. based on flow and multies copy easily took it plus I preferred his content a bit more.

v/copy

Frank · 11-30-2014, 11:48 PM

Voting Arid

More enthralling, my bad about the brevity of the vote

UnbornBuddha · 12-01-2014, 12:01 AM

Arid, I honestly feel you could do a lot better. The way you speak throughout your posts seems to be that of a more seasoned writer. This wasn't bad, but it was very bland. I also did not comprehend how it had to do with the image. Perhaps, and most likely it is my ignorance, but nevertheless I did not see a connection. The rhymes were nothing too spectacular either. If this is really where you are at, read more of the writing of the other writers in this site, especially the topicalists. So you can take a more focused approach to the matter.
Copycat, yours had a very smooth flow, partly because of the rhyme schemes and such. That being said, I thought what you painted was a bit monochrome. You essentially described how Canada is cold, and the heart of Canadians to explore and go outside, even through the chilly cold. You could of gone further perhaps, and told a tale of exploration in the Artic, or of a man freezing to death. There was many more interesting angles you could have explored.

Due to a better technical display I will give this to Copycat.

Thank you.

Spoken · 12-01-2014, 06:41 AM

Sorry on my phone

Bruh tbr. I was expecting some dope shit.. from both especially copy but he stay simple and effective and descriptive as needed. Arid for all that shit talking bruh and u drop that??? It had me rofl all over the damn place not to be blunt or straight forward but real. U tryna swing that intellectual rambling yet u drop not even a half decent topical. Sorry.. I just couldn't get into ur verse. The direction however it fleshed out more with ur rhyme scheme could have taken this....

Vote: copy pat

Soulstice · 12-01-2014, 10:35 PM

Arid - this worked as a braggadocio bit in parts. the last two lines were cool, there were some ok couplets, but it didn't really mean anything.

Copy - This was OK. Good description I guess, it was kind of vanilla. The end was alright as well. I thought of feed I recently gave you about your connotations not matching up with the readers and here was a good example of them matching up well. Winter being a frigid bitch, a cruel teacher.

v - copy for putting something together coherently. Both were ok.

Certain · 12-02-2014, 01:02 AM

Arid: There was some interesting lyricism here but not enough of a thematic picture. You seemed to be bounding with your rhymes, which does you no favors. This league tends to put content above all else.

CopyPat: This definitely wasn't your finest effort. Gone was the creativity you typically show in your storytelling. But your rhyme schemes were great as always. I like when you go with the shorter line structures. Your approach to the topic was basic and not all-encompassing, but the focus wins you the battle.

Vote: CopyPat

Pent uP · 12-02-2014, 01:14 AM

Arid -- I liked the base of this, but it lacked focus. The scatter brained approach is hard to endure when it feels like youre letting the rhyme lead you instead of the message. Its easy to argue that because the pic said 'underground' the subtext was 'lyricism' but I think the truth is far between. The opening bit about lemmings and caverns I could see being tied to the pic and got quite excited to see where it went but the end result fell shy of expectations. Knock that rust off.

Copy -- in week 2 when I no showed I was kicking myself because I knew that one of twp things would happen: 1) your style would lose its allure, or 2) youd run out of steam. It seems that you the latter is occuring, unless youre just uninspired. Comical take on the pic but poor execution

Vote copy

King Ra. · 12-02-2014, 01:15 AM

Arid, for your debut match, I'd say you did an okay job here. I can see that you're good at rhyming, your piece flowed well but really that's all I got from it. I didn't see too much connection with the image. This read more like an open mic drop than a topical/story. The little I did see that related to the picture was towards the end, where "lungs rancid brown/underground" was really clearly the only line that I could relate towards the pic. If there was a much deeper connection, then I don't see it, and that'd be because the thoughts you laid out didn't necessarily indicate such. Nonetheless, it'll be interesting to see what you can come up with in the last remaining weeks of the season. CopyPat, this wasn't your best work, but it was a solid piece overall. You approached the image directly, and allowed your superb rhyming to guide your piece from beginning to end. I take it you're born/raised in Canada? This definitely read like a tribute, but the bit of imagery of coming out to the lake & this is what you see thing was pretty cool & a great way to summarize your piece.

MVGT: CopyPat. Good job by both competitors.

11-19-2014, 04:34 AM	#1
King Ra. The Throne, The Crown Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 2,667 Battle Record: 21-35 Rep Power: 1932963	WK8: CopyPat (5-2) vs. Arid (0-0) [CopyPat wins, 8-0.] AOWL Season IV, Week 8 OFFICIAL RULES: Verses are due Sunday, November 23rd, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions. Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words). Votes are due Wednesday, November 26th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week. TOPIC: Click here. Good luck. @CopyPat @Arid __________________ Vetwork, bitches. Last edited by King Ra.; 11-19-2014 at 01:16 PM.

11-23-2014, 09:27 PM	#2
Arid HONGRY Join Date: Nov 2014 Posts: 57 Battle Record: 2-2 Rep Power: 0	I told ya on the very first day I'm colder than the very farthest space From any star adrift out of the way Wastin each and every damn day Dreaming of a grand game More cards hid up my sleeve than in my hand played Can't pray, pride's the shade provided in my landscape Plan A to Plan Be a man meek as lamb Lead em leapin off a cliff like any lemming livin Let me give them comfort in the darkest dripping caverns of description I passed up my position in the pattern of existence Now I'm sittin in this house alone abusing my prescriptions Refusing all decisions, Using what I listen to to fuel my prison view Distant dueling nations, famine, fists in jeweled mittens, mules Kai-yote's Sniper-trolling, rivals only, times I'm lonely, Lie to homies so they don't notice I'm a phony Fraud, fake, cheat, sneak-thief Chest deep in the need to be seen For something by someone, somewhere, somehow But not now, Wait until the suns out I'm dancing in a thundercloud wavin guns around Rancid lungs brown on the inside so they feel me underground Dumb it down? What the fuck? Is it cuz I'm a clown? Does my sound drown out yer proud denouncements? A thousand lousy reasons why you doubt this? My fantasy is ash in the mouths of the houseless You should let em crash on your couches. Last edited by Arid; 11-23-2014 at 09:40 PM.

11-27-2014, 12:31 AM	#3
CopyPat Mic Check Join Date: Mar 2013 Location: Calgary Alberta Canada Posts: 708 Battle Record: 13-10 Rep Power: 3742225	Canada. We on that winter wonderland shit I’m tellin ya, this is what just happens Where it’s frigid as a bastard And we chill, but not relaxin We drinkin outta flasks just to try to stay warm Getting blitzed, we on our ass every night of a storm Cause if the climate is poor then we bundling up And that guy ain’t a warrior with a gun that he’s tucked We look puffy as fuck, and barely can frickin move That ain’t body armor, he’s just wearing a winter suit It’s scary but this the view I have from the lake And very consistent too, cause that’s every day We laugh anyways. No matter the weather And when that ice freezes up then we strap on the leather Be it hockey or ski’s, and boarding or what We obviously, were born for this stuff Cause it’s boring as fuck to be confined at home So we exploring and such, despite the cold Ice and snow line the roads and conditions are harsh Drivin home nice and slow or ya slip in ya cars This is the heart of the Canadian essence Winter’s a bitch. But she gave me perspective. __________________ My syllable count approximately a billion, bounce. You cannot compete. Last edited by CopyPat; 11-27-2014 at 03:56 AM.

11-28-2014, 10:55 AM	#5
NYCSPITZ SYRACUSE Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,031 Battle Record: 31-37 Champed - Write Night II - Alias Topical Tournament Rep Power: 4743547	Was expecting more from arid due to his decent votes but I'm disappointed now tbh. Just not really feeling the verse, although it seems like it could sound dope on audio. You do audio? Anywho, technically it was mediocre and I didn't really get a rise out of anything in the verse. Copy's was a bit better but nothing earth-shattering either. based on flow and multies copy easily took it plus I preferred his content a bit more. v/copy __________________ UNIFIED THEORY

11-30-2014, 11:48 PM	#6
Frank Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2001 Posts: 3,228 Champed - NWL Season 2 - Art of Writing League (5x) - Lime Green Poetry Association - AOWL Season 6 - AOWL Season 10 Rep Power: 3853347	Voting Arid More enthralling, my bad about the brevity of the vote __________________ *VETWORK*

11-27-2014, 07:59 AM	#4
zygote Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 501 Battle Record: 33-12 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Art of Writing League (3x) Rep Power: 737828	Both are pretty descriptive. Arid had a sort of cliched multiple rhyming going on (underground - dumb it down etc + landscape - damn day etc). It wasn't bad but it doesn't compare well against Copypat's longer multiple rhymes on a strictly technical level. Also, I didn't really get any strong connection from Arid's writing to the topic, it was more train of thought rather than a focused effort. Copypat went for a simple straightforward approach and executed nicely. Voting for Copypat.

12-01-2014, 12:01 AM	#7
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856379	Arid, I honestly feel you could do a lot better. The way you speak throughout your posts seems to be that of a more seasoned writer. This wasn't bad, but it was very bland. I also did not comprehend how it had to do with the image. Perhaps, and most likely it is my ignorance, but nevertheless I did not see a connection. The rhymes were nothing too spectacular either. If this is really where you are at, read more of the writing of the other writers in this site, especially the topicalists. So you can take a more focused approach to the matter. Copycat, yours had a very smooth flow, partly because of the rhyme schemes and such. That being said, I thought what you painted was a bit monochrome. You essentially described how Canada is cold, and the heart of Canadians to explore and go outside, even through the chilly cold. You could of gone further perhaps, and told a tale of exploration in the Artic, or of a man freezing to death. There was many more interesting angles you could have explored. Due to a better technical display I will give this to Copycat. Thank you. Last edited by UnbornBuddha; 12-01-2014 at 01:42 AM.

12-01-2014, 06:41 AM	#8
Spoken ...DA GAWD... Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 2,355 Battle Record: 13-34 Rep Power: 5860413	Sorry on my phone Bruh tbr. I was expecting some dope shit.. from both especially copy but he stay simple and effective and descriptive as needed. Arid for all that shit talking bruh and u drop that??? It had me rofl all over the damn place not to be blunt or straight forward but real. U tryna swing that intellectual rambling yet u drop not even a half decent topical. Sorry.. I just couldn't get into ur verse. The direction however it fleshed out more with ur rhyme scheme could have taken this.... Vote: copy pat __________________ WP Po'ethics

12-02-2014, 01:02 AM	#10
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	Arid: There was some interesting lyricism here but not enough of a thematic picture. You seemed to be bounding with your rhymes, which does you no favors. This league tends to put content above all else. CopyPat: This definitely wasn't your finest effort. Gone was the creativity you typically show in your storytelling. But your rhyme schemes were great as always. I like when you go with the shorter line structures. Your approach to the topic was basic and not all-encompassing, but the focus wins you the battle. Vote: CopyPat __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

12-02-2014, 01:14 AM	#11
Pent uP Robin Williams of Fallen Victims Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 1,499 Battle Record: 25-11 Accomplishments - NC Hall of Fame Champed - Netcees Writers League (2x) - NWL Season 1 - Write Night I - Art of Writing League (2x) - Write Week IV Rep Power: 6862275	Arid -- I liked the base of this, but it lacked focus. The scatter brained approach is hard to endure when it feels like youre letting the rhyme lead you instead of the message. Its easy to argue that because the pic said 'underground' the subtext was 'lyricism' but I think the truth is far between. The opening bit about lemmings and caverns I could see being tied to the pic and got quite excited to see where it went but the end result fell shy of expectations. Knock that rust off. Copy -- in week 2 when I no showed I was kicking myself because I knew that one of twp things would happen: 1) your style would lose its allure, or 2) youd run out of steam. It seems that you the latter is occuring, unless youre just uninspired. Comical take on the pic but poor execution Vote copy Last edited by Pent uP; 12-02-2014 at 01:16 AM.

12-02-2014, 01:15 AM	#12
King Ra. The Throne, The Crown Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 2,667 Battle Record: 21-35 Rep Power: 1932963	Arid, for your debut match, I'd say you did an okay job here. I can see that you're good at rhyming, your piece flowed well but really that's all I got from it. I didn't see too much connection with the image. This read more like an open mic drop than a topical/story. The little I did see that related to the picture was towards the end, where "lungs rancid brown/underground" was really clearly the only line that I could relate towards the pic. If there was a much deeper connection, then I don't see it, and that'd be because the thoughts you laid out didn't necessarily indicate such. Nonetheless, it'll be interesting to see what you can come up with in the last remaining weeks of the season. CopyPat, this wasn't your best work, but it was a solid piece overall. You approached the image directly, and allowed your superb rhyming to guide your piece from beginning to end. I take it you're born/raised in Canada? This definitely read like a tribute, but the bit of imagery of coming out to the lake & this is what you see thing was pretty cool & a great way to summarize your piece. MVGT: CopyPat. Good job by both competitors. __________________ Vetwork, bitches.