W3: Dove Dozer (2-0) vs. Defiant (2-0) -- Dove Dozer 8-1

[King Ra.]

AOWL Season IV, Week 3

OFFICIAL RULES:
Verses are due Friday, October 17th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Sunday, October 19th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.


TOPIC: I was never really good at anything except for the ability to learn.


Good luck. @Dove Dozer @Defiant


you both need to vote this week

[Defiant]

A recluse, with a solemn inner strength that ensures every day isn't my last
I can't remember yesterday, how am I suppose to remember my past
This wasn't always my objective, this wasn't always the plan you see
I had dreams, but never succeeded ,now they're just another watered down fantasy
Every pill has been a object through my blood stream
Its killed any chance of girlfriend, kids, so when I cry I dream
What makes me so useless? when did I become such a drain on society?
Whys everyone disappeared? why do i have to live with this pain of anxiety?
Now it time for a change, a conjecture of my final conclusion
The term ex drug addict is my dream, it'll be hard im under no elusion
I've been clean a week, not a single pill did I consume
I feel so awake now, but where I am? Why the fuck am I in this room
Doctors everywhere, am I sick? Am I a visitor? Tell me this isn't fair
Strapped to this bed told 'when you gonna realise you need medical care?

[Dove Dozer]

My brain's wired perfect. Master of mathematics.
All these circuits, its a circus. The castor of half this havoc
gets faster and that's magic that's captured as time elapses.
This information sits in waiting at the tip of my tongue,
as I exhibit wicked ways, one point and click and you're stunned.
Evolved from basic. Often tossed in offices, basements.
Locked in and caged in the oddest off all locations.
Have caution I'm hot as satan, with lights and microchips
In a metal box that is painted nice. You fight the itch
to hit the switch, your lust for technology gave me life.

[timeless]

Sucks you two couldnt give it yur all this week, dope that you showed nonetheless. I got to give my vote to defiant for having more aspiration with his rather than the simple freewrite that dove keyed up. come harder next week genrs

V. Defiant

[PancakeBrah]

Topic: I was never really good at anything except for the ability to learn.

Defiant:

Okay, this seemed pretty standard fare. It's not a week in the AOWL unless we have someone writing from the perspective of a drug addict. Or drugs themselves. I thought this was fine. It all seemed kind of basic. The rhymes varied from decent to simplistic. The content wasn't a fresh take on an old trope. And this a decidedly old trope in this form of writing.

"I had dreams, but never succeeded ,now they're just another watered down fantasy
Every pill has been a object through my blood stream
Its killed any chance of girlfriend, kids, so when I cry I dream"

Just some weird wording, to point out and maybe help you elevate a little next week. Using 'dream' so close together is repetitive. I repeat words sometimes, too, but it's for effect and has a purpose, usually. Here it just makes your writing seem a little rushed? "Every pill has been an* object through my blood stream" is entirely too literal. Pills literally go through your bloodstream. So there's no revelation in that line, no real effect. Almost just a placeholder of sorts. Last, "so when I cry I dream" doesn't make much sense and comes off as faux-deep.

Like I said this wasn't bad, average really. Just work on being a little more creative, I think. No shame in this verse. It was fine.

Dove Dozer-

This was definitely a little more refined than your opponents verse, technically. I won't say the rhyming was 'good' necessarily but it was more complex and fluid. You tackled another often written about topic but I think you had a bit more personality in your writing. Not a lot, but a little more unique, maybe. It was decent.

Pretty close. I think both approaches were equal and Dove Dozer wrote slightly better.

v/dove dozer

[Vulgar]

Good feedback from Pancake. Repped.

Defiant - This was alright to me, the construction was the best part of it, being that you had a beginning, middle and a somewhat thoughtful ending. The rhyming was okay, and the "passion level" of the verse was lacking. If this was 3x as long, with actual characters, identities and histories, it would've been a much more engaging read. In my opinion, if you see the potential in your own creative stories, they'll become creative stories as you write them. Almost like willing something to life - this is the world of fiction and thankfully that's possible.

Dove Dozer - Your rhythm has good orientation, like footwork in a way. Something to bite onto, take hold of, was a concept about computers being able to learn for themselves. Automation of machines in a human world. I thought it was cool, but the effort still isn't there. It's half present, heading for the edge constantly.

Overall, Dove Dozer did enough to win it.

[Certain]

Defiant: I'm not sure why you do that with your font, but no one here cares about long lines (see: Frank, zygote and others) as long as they rhyme well. You didn't. This verse was pretty elementary in all regards. The rhyming was weak, the cadence was off and the story line was trite. You need to really bring a character to life if you're going to do the first-person reflection angle. Or you could do more with lyricism. But then there's the additional issue that your verse had nothing to do with the topic. Your previous submissions were better.

Dove Dozer: My approach to this topic would have been similar to this, though more developed as I'm sure you would have been had you needed to or had the time to commit to a more developed story. I liked this as the start, though, and I thought you did a good job with the simple personification verse that is so common. Your mechanics were fine. For 10 lines, this was good.

Vote: Dove Dozer

[Mr. J]

This match was ok. the line limitatiom balanced it out
both compliment the topic but Dove balanced it out
way stronger verse with more calculation

v/Dove

[Three-Planes-Aligned]

defiant, there are many issues with your verse - in terms of wording, mechanics and overall vision - but it did have one thing if nothing else: this pretty appealing sincerity. Which is more worth than technical prowess if you have will and honesty - much as it is when trying to quit benzodiazepines. DD - cool verse within the confines of so few lines, sentience is always an interesting topic and you did what you could with it and wrote to your opponent's weakness without over-exerting yourself. Vote goes to Dove Dozer due to stronger thematic elements.

[kannon]

defiant. I kinda feel like you didn't really do the topic much justice with this piece. The topic is that while you may not be good at anything, you're always learning, and your piece kinda focused on this person's forgetfulness and drug addiction, which ended with him being asked a question that made it seem like he's learned nothing at all. I felt like you had some minor working blunders, but in a piece this short, having 3 or 4 is a lot. You noted in the first bar that the protagonist has an inner strength; something that keeps him going each day. But you never touched on what that was, or how it affected him to this point. All we know is that he did a lot of drugs. Now he's sober. And he's in a hospital. Did he overdose? Did he try to kill himself and fail? Is that the "inner strength" that kept him alive? I feel like this piece was just really spotty, and it didn't really invoke any emotion in me.

dozer. Another underdeveloped piece. At least I understood how your piece tied in with the topic though. Mechanics were on point, too. Flow was dope, schemes were dope. You have to know that this isn't a complete piece though. Especially since the last bar doesnt even rhyme with anything. But nevertheless, the story evolved. It's a robot and shit, and the biggest fear or robots is them becoming sentient, and that completely falls in line with the topic of only being good at learning. The fact that you had dope mechanics, and actually wrote a piece I could feel comfortable saying fit the topic got you a fairly easy win here.

vote is for dove dozer.

[CopyPat]

ah defiant i didn't really get what u were trying to do with ur verse here. technically it was real basic and just left me not real impressed. dove- u had a clear idea of where this was going and it was a cool little verse. u told us it was about computers/technology etc but didnt blurt it out right at the start. u dropped hints all along and then solidified it at the end so the way this was written was well done. on the rhyming end dove out-shined defiant pretty handily but Dove u will need to do more in the future. u have a good idea of flow and multis and scheming and inner bar rhyming etc but i've always felt ur vocab is just real basic. or like the actual rhymes u choose are too easy like magic havoc captured . lame similes like hot as satan, then rhyming it with location? know what i mean?? i just think u r capable of so much more. like u could really add a lot more complexity to ur writing and it would be sick. in this case it was enough but yeah going forward against better comp a verse like this would get stomped i think. i did like ur concept though and u stuck to the topic.

VOTE: DOUBLE D DUB DIZZY

[NYCSPITZ]

Close, I got dove for a more nuanced, effortless verse
@NYCSPITZ Going forward this vote will not be enough, as is this week, it's fine.