W3: PancakeBrah (1-1) vs. Greed (1-1) -- PancakeBrah 4-1

[King Ra.]

AOWL Season IV, Week 3

OFFICIAL RULES:
Verses are due Friday, October 17th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Sunday, October 19th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.


TOPIC: I'll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.


Good luck. @PancakeBrah @Greed


Pancake will begin minus two with the option to make it up this week unless Greed waves penalty. Zero votes in the future is an automatic sign out

[Greed]

Devoid of passion, i forewarned of these sordid actions
My all black wardrobe was more practical then a form of fashion
luckily im a pro now my only motto is to preform it fast and
I have an entire living room set up with morbid knick knacks and a torture rack
Perhaps I would have poisoned their asses if I could afford the gasses
But smouldering ashes form a sort of dance before they're stored in trashes
The gore covered my glasses, I performed the slashes with swords and axes
While they mourned the passing i poured a quart of acid over more corpses laughing

This happened

I wrote a passage in hopes of grasping a level beyond a normal classic
I had it, until an older child stole the book from my bag and ratted
It wasnt ready yet but he read it outloud to janet, about how i praised the ground she standed
And would conquer the entire galaxy with the sole motivation to hand her a planet

Well fuck it thats it.

I was already bored with classes, a perfect murder is a boring task when
A real killer would focus on the quantity then cutting one body into fractions
maybe im not the most physically attractive or the biggest of the bad kids
But when i smiled and told them ill get you back for this, they wrote it off as acting

[PancakeBrah]

Lobdell Lake.

This is fine. We can see every star in the sky,
background music, the wind kissing off the copper of chimes.
Enthralled in a youth, and the toxins we'd use,
kept in tilted up, secretly stashed bottles and flasks.
Where burnt midnight oil smells distinctly of vomit and grass,
toes dipped in the water, at the edge of this dock,
breaking its reflection of the moon like partitioned glass.
Star crossed, a match. Listlessly soothing. In this cross thatch, absorbing
these movements, so minute, we forget minutes are moving,
lost in the details,
we lose the surroundings, because its vastness is boring,
numb to the mosquito bites we'd scratch in the morning.
Sapped, yet renewed. Back to the dew, at a liminal point,
far flung, a fling all trepidation, linen, and joints,
adolescent, vacation in Summer. Impatient, uncovered;
carefree.

Putting the bottle back on the shelf,
I try to to remember your name, fail, then laugh to myself.

[big baby]

greed, not bad. I liked this, actually. I think your main problem is just connecting thoughts in a more fluid and thought provoking manner. It's almost a bit too predictable, and a bit too corny at times. Making the content strain and that has a domino effect. With a few tweaks this can be awesome and pretty entertaining, just work on your technique, the flow, and how you deliver things. Like in some segments you got your point across, but there was no trademark 'greed' to it, it was just a average writing that said what you were saying.

now pan

numb to the mosquito bites we'd scratch in the morning.
Sapped, yet renewed. Back to the dew, at a liminal point,
far flung, a fling all trepidation, linen, and joints,
adolescent, vacation in Summer. Impatient, uncovered;
carefree.

this is a signature case of rehearsed thought.
primarily the end, when you say trepidation, linen and joints. I feel as if it's signature to you, that you have this phrase in your head and you repeat it to yourself, and finally just now, said it, and wrote it. I have a lot of things in my head that I'll think to myself, and when I write it, it's so rehearsed, so cleverly crafted, that it has no hiccups, no disjointed measures, and it's literal perfection. I feel this is one of those lines; I could be terribly wrong, and 50% chance I am, but the brevity of it suggested a quick assimilation, but not necessarily lazy, just; perhaps genuine. This isn't registered technical feedback, as it is a more directly linked emotional one

Putting the bottle back on the shelf,
I try to to remember your name, fail, then laugh to myself.

lol, usually when I write these quick lines, they end up being the most genuine, or one of the most genuine, well - no not the most genuine, but the most understood without the meaning of layering context. This is simple, and to the point. And I get where you went with this, we get caught up in a flurry of trysts in such a small amount of time, in our lives - that they become a blur. Like they say, you don't remember what happened, you just remembered how it made you feel. You don't remember who they were or what, you just remember the feelings. The lingering pain, the lingering ecstasy. That's still in tact. That's a beautiful little line. I think you're more like me in a emotional sense when writing. Unlike many others, where they provide a layer of meaning ontop another. You just possess a better understanding of diction and the usage of words to define that. Where someone else would rely on metaphor, you rely on instinctual phrasing. Which is actually what I do most of the time, because it just reads crisper. It reads more genuine, and it connects better.

When I quoted the mosquito, that is so simple, but it is evidently there. Where as another writer would not put it so simply, yet - majestically. It was just placed nicely. Tiny crafts of wordings that just deliver. It's so simple, yet, direct. The emphasis on minutiae is evident here. I like the how you take my advice a year later, lol. jk, though the year seems like a few weeks, I think you take my advice more seriously than others, because I can see what you're practicing in each writing you compose. I feel this may have been a tiny draft that never finished, that you finished just now.

Overall I liked this piece, I think if you're trying to combat, a lack of motivation, or boredom, or really trying that you try to make it fun for yourself also while maintaining a bit of discipline. Try mixign factors that make it fun for you, like something you think that comes easy to you (whatever that may be) and mixing it with disciplinary writing techniques, like something that makes it a bit more...confined, but try mixing these two elements so its also fun while rigidly entertaining

v/pancake

[Vulgar]

Greed - The story itself seemed scattered to me. I couldn't find equilibrium so I assumed it was meant to be a collage about a serial killer with complicated feelings or notions towards his family or spouse. Janet, his wife? picks up a book he's writing, a chronicle of the filthy deeds he's committed but she doesn't understand what she's reading. If he comes off as insane, it's only a credit to his stage persona. I can't decide if I like this one or not, so I'll call it 'tricky.'

PancakeBrah - What impressed me about this was the snug placement of key words, especially settings that had me picturing a scraggly teenager having fun in the woods with his friends, playing with fire and exploring a girl. It wasn't American Pie-ey, and it wasn't sappy. It was satisfactory.

Going with Pancake for a better organized, well conveyed piece that directly hit the topic.

Vote - PancakeBrah

[zygote]

Greed had good rhyming but bad sentence structure. E.g., "luckily im a pro now my only motto is to preform it fast and
I have an entire living room set up with morbid knick knacks and a torture rack
Perhaps I would have poisoned their asses if I could afford the gasses
But smouldering ashes form a sort of dance before they're stored in trashes"

See the words that start each line are 'and' + 'and' + 'perhaps' + 'but' - this gives effect of making the entire passage like one big sentence. This made it a little difficult to follow, if you put in some fullstops or at least eased up on the conjunctions it would be clearer that they were separate sentences with separate thoughts. It seems like nitpicking but it's not really. It's just harder to follow, and it actually became a deciding factor in my rationale here. Also, some words like 'standed' are not very good. It didn't compare favorably with the stylistic maturity and concise language choice that PB employed. Voting for PB.

[Three-Planes-Aligned]

Greed, I liked your little reimagining of Eminem's Brain Damage; it was a cohesive effort from beginning to start, if not in terms of flawless mechanics and wording, specifically grammar, then at least in tone. PancakeBrah, this was subtle in terms of imagery and allusion; the kind of verse that dances around in your neurological pathways on it's tippy toes. Top-notch. Vote is for PancakeBrah for executing to a higher degree and for possessing the noble quality of deli***y.

[asylum]

/v greed - WELL. shit was dope. cant really talk shit i mean, i felt it. psycho serial killer shit.
deranged. fucking loved it. really fucking loved how it sounded here..
But smouldering ashes form a sort of dance before they're stored in trashes
The gore covered my glasses, I performed the slashes with swords and axes
While they mourned the passing i poured a quart of acid over more corpses laughing
mad flow bro. not even gonna lie. shit was sick. that shit in the middle like "well fuck thats it" i mean, idk where that came from or what its purpose was but you couldve done without it imho. but that's none of my business. you really tied the topic together with the last bar. enjoyed the whole verse.
pancake BRAH- poetic as fuck. great word choices. kinda lost me right here tho..
Where burnt midnight oil smells distinctly of vomit and grass,
toes dipped in the water, at the edge of this dock,
breaking its reflection of the moon like partitioned glass.
Star crossed, a match. Listlessly soothing. In this cross thatch, absorbing
idk. just kinda fell off for my attention span right there for the read. given its brevity, well . it had an impact. also didnt get this..
Sapped, yet renewed. Back to the dew, at a liminal point,
far flung, a fling all trepidation, linen, and joints,
? idk. pm me if u want. dont get it at all. idk what "liminal" means. maybe that has an affect.
enjoyed both reads just felt greeds more. thanks guise.

[Soulstice]

enjoyable battle

greed - nice flow. kept it the same throughout a la frank. the language was accessible and natural yet the flow was tight. the deranged mindset introduced in the beginning was excellent exposition, kept me wanting to read more to see where this going. however, it proceeded to a rather typical ending. i wanted to see more motivation and interaction, rather than the effects of something to drive the character insane. the hand her a planet line was tight and almost accomplished that by itself. develop the story more, but make sure you are still enjoying what you are writing - evident here with the rhymes and imagery - otherwise how can you expect the reader to enjoy it?

cake - liked this a lot. the last two lines in the main stanza were kinda eh. the memory was focused on a single experience in which other memories were evoked (bottles and flasks, etc.) then you ditch that method of thinking and you start talking about all of sumer. threw me off a bit. but the single, layered, memory was really tight. evocative language that was chosen artfully - it certainly tugged at the right places in a subtle way. the conclusion was good too, vintage cake, imo. although i havent read a lot of your work.

v- cake.
outclassed a fun read by greed.

[CopyPat]

wow. really impressed with pans verse, u delicate little flower u. lol, u fancy fuckin poetic emo faggit this was really fuckin good!~!!!!!!!!! u r a great writer, the way u handled this with skill and finesse was really impressive. this wasn't so much a rap as it was a beautifully written story with exceptionally good imagery. you can really write. wow.

greed i appreciated your verse for what it was, especially in relation to the topic, but unfortunately for you pan just flat out outwrote you here. your verse would have beaten about half of this weeks field i think, but it was just a tough matchup for you this time. keep doing what you're doing in terms of the writing but try to come up with a more interesting idea on the topic next time. writing about killing ppl is obviously just played and boring. there are way too many good writers in this league, and to use such simple idea's against them most likely won't get the job done. good potential though just try to go deeper next time

Vote: P Bizzle