04-12-2020, 11:22 AM | #1 |
Ad mini tator
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 10,005
Battle Record: 26-54
Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association
- Black August
- 1-2 Punch League
Rep Power: 85899400 |
WEEK 4: Slechtq vs Ender (SLECHT NS, ENDER WINS)
|
04-12-2020, 05:10 PM | #2 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 118
Battle Record: 5-12
Rep Power: 247408 |
Check.
|
04-14-2020, 04:23 AM | #3 |
Twitter: @ricanjq
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 582
Battle Record: 4-12
Champed - 1-2 Punch league
Rep Power: 2236280 |
In like Flynn.
|
04-15-2020, 09:41 PM | #4 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 118
Battle Record: 5-12
Rep Power: 247408 |
I'm over the line limit and I don't want to cut. Are you fine to up the line limit to 50?
|
04-16-2020, 02:36 AM | #5 |
Twitter: @ricanjq
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 582
Battle Record: 4-12
Champed - 1-2 Punch league
Rep Power: 2236280 |
That's fine.
|
04-16-2020, 09:26 AM | #6 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 118
Battle Record: 5-12
Rep Power: 247408 |
What Might Have Been
It collapsed Like a seismic shift Once a city Now a verdant drift Like so many before A city replaced with a stain Tinged violaceous Virid remains A figure looks back With regret but no pity Rolls through the door Try again with a new city Stalking away from her building, caught in my feelings With incoherent thought my rage is brought to the ceiling My memory distorts our dealings to put her in the wrong I’m too strong to…….. wait a minute, that doesn’t belong! Wasn’t John’s butcher shop at the corner of 13th and 2nd? I reckon it was yet now a strange flower shop beckons With intoxicating selections covered in pearls of dew Strange, the whole store seems to have a purplish hue John’s place should be here, this seems doubly shady A call from the counter, “See anything for your lovely lady?” The skinny man with glasses gestures to what he sells Only my love’s two favourite flowers; violets and irish bells I dwell for a moment, not ready to end my fight Despite not being right I don’t want to crawl, all contrite I lock eyes with the flower man and gaze on his visage Peculiar, the man is practically my exact mirror image Interrupting my internal debate, words from my virtual twin “Don’t wait until too late, then wonder what might have been” Nothing seems real, that shop was never there before A doppelganger of me running a vaguely purple store I’m out the door, through green and purple streets I race Flowers in hand to apologise, back to my love’s place Her home is empty and there’s a note stuck on the door Our last fight was one too many, the proverbial final straw I slump in defeat, barely notice the city melting all around Collapsing buildings, puddles of purple-green paint abound Out of the corner of my eye, the flowerman looking gruff Shaking his head sadly, you weren’t quite quick enough Look in my love’s mirror, this must be an absurd dream Like this whole city, I seem to be made of purple and green And my facial features literally start to melt off my head It’s horrifying, body liquefying, I wish I’d said… said…….. A figure looks back With regret but no pity Rolls through the door Try again with a new city Desperately trying To repaint history |
04-17-2020, 02:18 PM | #7 |
Twitter: @ricanjq
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 582
Battle Record: 4-12
Champed - 1-2 Punch league
Rep Power: 2236280 |
posting today
|
04-19-2020, 05:38 AM | #8 |
Badgerdick
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Showdown City
Posts: 2,604
Battle Record: 11-2
Champed - Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 22685549 |
I guess this ones a no-show? Ive got you on feedback Ender
|
04-19-2020, 05:50 AM | #9 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 118
Battle Record: 5-12
Rep Power: 247408 |
Thanks mate. I appreciate that. Hopefully Slechtq will show though!
|
04-19-2020, 07:46 AM | #10 |
Badgerdick
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Showdown City
Posts: 2,604
Battle Record: 11-2
Champed - Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 22685549 |
This was real good, Ender. I think pacing wise you nailed, I’m a big fan of the short lines with more emphasis placed on the rhythmic cadence and implied flow so this was right up my street from the gate. I can appreciate the degree of difficulty used in maintaining the rhyme scheme with the carryovers and internals you used throughout but I’m also not overlooking your use of dialogue throughout here - you managed to keep it short and sweet, very natural sounding and never seemed to try and fit it into the rhymes (which many people make the mistake of doing IMO) but I was pleased to see you had the experience here not to fall into that trap, it’s the sign of an experienced writer for sure and that experience shined through in this for me. The recalls of ‘purple’ throughout were handled very well and never seemed repetitive, that’s particularly due to your word usage and rhyme placement - which again I felt was another strong point of yours here. You’re good in several areas and I think you’ll pose a threat to the majority of writers active in the league.
Keep that pen moving! |
04-19-2020, 07:52 AM | #11 |
Everything's Connected
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Niagara Falls, Canada
Posts: 999
Battle Record: 19-8
Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x)
- GWL Picture challenge(2x)
- Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 10178702 |
I was waiting for official word but fuck it, you've waited long enough.
Ender - Great job here. This was a tough topic to draw any emotion from but you definitely made it seem real. This verse was tight, concise, and flowed beautifully. There wasn't many 'awkward exchanges' in the dialogue sections either - it all felt smooth. I enjoyed the story you told here too, it had all the metaphorical weight needed to keep this centered but the underlying factor of regret was present throughout, and I really felt the character's desperation as he spiraled downward in his journey for redemption within himself. My only real issues with this piece is sometimes the multi's were lacking and we'd only see 1 or 2 syllables connected, but honestly, when it comes to topicals I'll take that over a technically proficient piece with no heart or story. This had both. Great work, Ender. Shame you had no opponent...
__________________
..Passed the Present and Future.. |
|
|