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#1 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2001
Posts: 3,228
Champed - NWL Season 2
- Art of Writing League (5x)
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![]() ![]() Season 7 Verses are due Thursday 12/15 at 11:59 PST. EXT 12/16 11:59 PST Voting ends Sunday 12/18 at 11:59 PST Verses may not exceed 64 lines Voting on 3 battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will not receive a victory. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Topic: You see things; and you say "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?" Good luck to both participants @MMLP @2tripple0
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Last edited by Adonis; 12-15-2016 at 08:15 PM. |
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#2 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 600
Battle Record: 15-16
Champed - Write Week 9
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Had started taking huge strides when they tackled in herds.
They raised to new heights when they battled in turn and what began to emerge was a group of foxes. Who had scattered their turf and it proved symbolic They grew with confidence moving straight through the core. In pursuit of dominance, staking their claim in the war. Where the stakes were enormous for their feasting habits as they created a fortress within weeks of clashes. Releasing anguish as they lined up attacks And wreaking havoc on each rival they matched. With survivalist tactics, they possessed tenacious stuff. With guile they clashed with the best that came at em’ Had never caved and ducked whilst hunting the pack and kept their tails up from the front to the back. Always up for a scrap, they’d act on an impulse With an abundance of passion, the plans were as simple. They were hampered initially, being easily pressed So to attack from the whistle brought a means to an end. With a need to protect they were becoming direct With now attack being the best, form of defense. As forward they stepped on their ascend to the top. Restored from the depths, adversaries were rocked. Now their intentions were obvious when they entered the race. Soon cementing their spot once ahead in the chase. Their offensive displays had ignited the crowds. Building zest in the stadium and excitement around. After all the hype that surrounded the final premiership matches Were finally crowning our Leicester as champions But your questions were answered if you had cared to see They never had mattered, sole focus was to prepare the team. Even when they stared defeat in the face, the lads would ride on So for every, ‘Claudio, do you dare to dream’? It had the same old answer “why not?” Last edited by MMLP; 12-15-2016 at 11:36 AM. |
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#3 |
death warmed over
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Downstairs illstreet dam
Posts: 2,564
Battle Record: 6-21
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..
now i lay me down to sleep prey the lord my soul to keep if i die before i wake pray the lord my soul to take .. This story was interesting the way thoughts began collecting make it clear the plot just ran off at the ending tied in with the topic which was dope to be honest to believe that life was just a passing moment every man deserves to go peacefully and in their own personal way ending up blending in with the scenery that the characters were lying inside of the text stupid bitch and she gives you a fight to the death I understand this mans suffering his life a disaster It still didnt help as i slept in this delerious cabbern i dont have all the answers but i still handle myself by a kind of standard my problem was difficult to interpret like someone with cancer was one more important than the other? what a life this story had to offer he would adjust his posture but didnt realize that he was still acting like a loser yeah i bet you swear you think you wasnt positive if we were to just sit back and stop acknowledging it but nothing seemed clear the moment kept on blossoming it would have been such a problem for it all to end right there I mean if i killed my uncle? It wouldnt have been fair... there was still so much work that needed to be done so i started to stare at the sun and redeemed in its throne it was so illusive I had to sit back and sail around sea for a bit suddenly as a fish jumped out the water and all around in its own bliss by not understanding its connection to local legend there were mammoth endorphins trying to rob us of its full effect contained inside our experiences with one another I ended up hibernating for the night like a otter so is life really worth that much and how do you decide? I mean are you really prepared to die tonight People prey before they slept as they were scared for their lives... and gods is cruel in a way he is just there to die for his people I mean even though life is scary and a lotta of it is or was evil. .. now i lay me down to sleep prey the lord my soul to keep if i die before i wake pray the lord my soul to take ..
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https://soundcloud.com/user-876573949/ https://soundcloud.com/user-634430314/ Last edited by 2tripple0; 12-16-2016 at 12:30 PM. |
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#4 |
Tsk Tsk
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Beer Goggles
Posts: 4,834
Battle Record: 36-34
Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association
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A straight topical with an Angle against an introspective type emotionally driven verse. LP had the better use of topic for sure. 2k has improved during the off season, far better mechanics then what I'm accustomed to from you. 2k verse was cool, but a bit too.... Idk, sensitive or touchy Feely LP when the more difficult route in terms of concept I believe, and still executed at higher level. The rust is apparent though
V/mmlp
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I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR |
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#5 |
25 years later
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 283
Battle Record: 5-3
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I think MM grasped the topic a little better. Honestly I was expecting a lot worse from 2trip. I can tell you're still struggling with forming an idea of the topic and making something abstract out of it. MM tied a nice story into his piece as well as staying on topic. 2trip also had some grammatical errors which hurt him in this one. MM takes this.
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Corny Boys |
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#6 | |
rockkFresh
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Chicago.
Posts: 1,088
Battle Record: 8-10
Champed - Art of Writing League
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So far, the best topic given that I've seen.
I've seen MMLP write better, and basing it off that, this verse was okay. Like, barely pass the okay threshold, Lol. I dunno, I just feel like this topic could've been interpreted by both so much better. Anyways, 2K, probably the best verse I've read from you, to be honest. I see you're slowly getting better, and it seems like you're able to focus on a topic more & make a more cohesive thought process. But, you're quite not there yet. I liked the personal approach type verse, but there's so many things about that that I disliked, and if I went into detal about all those critiques, I might come off as a dick. But anyways, it's little things like grammar used, or certain wording. Also, some stuff you said was just not factual & it irked me. This line for example: Quote:
Also, throne / done not rhyming really irked me :/ So like I said, although I wasn't too impressed by MMLP's verse this time around, it was still better than 2K's, although he's been improving himself. vMMLP |
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#7 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2001
Posts: 3,228
Champed - NWL Season 2
- Art of Writing League (5x)
- Lime Green Poetry Association
- AOWL Season 6
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MVGT: 2tripple0
MMLP returned in rare form. Superb flow, story progression, and rhythm. Cunning. Strong linear writing concluded satisfyingly encouragingly and inspirational there. I just identified with 2tripple0's more quizzical interpretation of the topic more. I ultimately truly believe he encapsulated the topic more interestingly. Technically, MMLP outclassed 2tripple0 here but, 2Tripple0's play on the topic was more clairvoyant to me. Going into further detail in future mag.
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#8 |
Ad mini tator
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 10,005
Battle Record: 26-54
Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association
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Eminem
I feel like your piece was on point with the topic although slow at first it picked up and you had some cool wording imagery scattered about. Your story was cool bro, I enjoyed the way you told a descriptive story, you built dope imagery and kept the topic well. I def enjoyed this one 2trip This was good. This time you kept it coherent through out the entire verse and I was able to decipher a pretty told tale. Your on the cusp of taking your writing to the next level. You have the tools. This time tho I feel like though the twist on the topic was good. Some parts of your verse lacked. Overall Good battle but I got mmlp 2trip was nice but mmlp takes this one. Vote mmlp |
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