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07-18-2020, 05:22 PM | #1 |
Storyteller
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GWL PLAYOFFS ROUND 1- #3 ADVERSE (8-4) VS #10 BROKEN HAL0 (3-5) ADVERSE WINS/OPEN FOR FEED
GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE @Adverse @brokenhal0 Max line: 30 Min: 10 Check in: 48 hours after thread post DUE DATE: JULY 22ND @ 11:59PM EST TOPIC: I'll take the inspiration with the gloom because usually where there's a tear, there's a tune. -Charlie Sexton GOOD LUCK! Last edited by Johnny 6 feet; 07-24-2020 at 10:38 AM. |
07-18-2020, 05:53 PM | #2 |
low tide in serotonin bay
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Here for it
Good luck Halo |
07-18-2020, 09:05 PM | #3 |
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in
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07-21-2020, 08:52 PM | #4 |
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I'll take the inspiration with the gloom because usually where there's a tear, there's a tune. -Charlie Sexton
And ill take the gloom with your tears , because usually where there's inspiration lurks fear , o my dear , don't you fancy with the dancers , do you hear im getting fancy with my answers ,feeling horny with my antlers ,heaven help us The beat was so lonely ,it got satan jealous, only charlie got to know me what you call rain man , i call macaroni , that's a cooked plate , wanted greens but i took steak , arc angel but the hoods great , picture my pleasures, a dark face, sink in my letters,while you sitting in a harsh space Charlie sworn that god was great , my words are a discography of times when nothing bothered me hold me in space , a solo effort alone where it's safe ,from the flys and the snakes from the liars and the saints , you know im restless cause i don't belong here No matter criminal or pall bearer , cynic or a ball player, make you all labor stuck in the salt shaker,Yo son thats charlie sexton , shooter like a gnarly western never misses and thats why he's a legend , untarnished record Yo son i hardly met him , word is that god has left em ,you cry while sleeping at night , for all we know the future might not seem so bright hollow type , thinking you being sus , but they flee with alot of light i spit cobra language charlie talk,outta sight,the drugs hit so hard you can hardly walk save yourself ,while little sister cry's ,and detroit's getting ready to melt They know you might question this ,word to halo it was just messages charlie sexton its time to settle this , making a mess again , effortless battle hymms from the messengers , seem so wrong but i never look back and it took so long to die , with your head still intact Under the wishing tree covered in facts, went from picking up jacks, to picking up packs , living with rats , charlies always been distant like that killing for seals, sigils in wax , in the poolhall , i piss in the back, waiting for charlie sexton the man myth the exact .. Peace out to charlie sexton he was a shooter like a gnarly western herd the gods have left him spot him in the pool hall now my sharks can get em.... Last edited by brokenhal0; 08-07-2020 at 09:00 PM. |
07-22-2020, 09:35 PM | #5 |
low tide in serotonin bay
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I've been inspecting the screen door for tears, hiding my eyes from my own faults
Stuck in everlasting winter, staring to streets dusted over by road salt Ghastly visions of past Decembers playing out on the roads below me I'm January bred so I 'spose I'm used to the frozen scapes' cold and lonely I'm to the point I no longer believe in coincidence, so every ice storm I've weathered Had been in preparation so that my heart and I could go to war together I used to think I was born under a bad sign, a child of misfortune Destined for desolation, lady luck's botched abortion I stare at my crowded flesh, wound infested As I run two fingers across each scar with remembrance of who left it I used to hold grudges until my shoulders ached and screamed My arms drug across the floor as I held each mistake they made towards me The resentment, the bitterness, the hurt on my brain. Tongue burnt from the sun from all the times I opened my mouth to curse your names But today as dove into the abyss of my cup of morning coffee, I had gotten lost Upon resurfacing, revitalized, I pondered on this thought; I should thank you all for your transgression, no matter how morbid or strife I should thank you for your indifference, your horrible spite I should thank you for every single scar because no matter how gory they might Have been, if I never went through the pain, I wouldn't have stories to write Thank you |
07-23-2020, 01:22 AM | #6 |
Everything's Connected
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brokenhal0 - One of the better efforts I've seen from you here. Solid throughout. This is a kind of jack of all trades verse... nothing really STOOD OUT, persay, but everything worked. Good multi's. Story was... okay. Kind of scattered. I felt this was the most focused you've been yet though. I pretty much enjoyed the read from top to bottom. Good work overall.
Adverse - This was pretty touching man... You ol' softy you lol. Nah but this was sort of like your second swan song to the league (pic challenge being the first) and this was a cool send off... (even though there's more to come). But it really fit the topic perfectly - I feel you always really nail the kind of sad, depressed vibe, like almost all the time - Whenever you go that route; You just have such introspection about you. There's a deepness there that I truly enjoy reading about, whenever you decide to let it out in a topic. Anyway, I'm rambling... but I loved it. Only negatives were some bar lengths, but you're used to hearing that. Highlights: "I've been inspecting the screen door for tears, hiding my eyes from my own faults Stuck in everlasting winter, staring to streets dusted over by road salt Ghastly visions of past Decembers playing out on the roads below me I'm January bred so I 'spose I'm used to the frozen scapes' cold and lonely" - I felt literally transported to Winter here in my mind. Imagery was amazingly depicted. "I used to think I was born under a bad sign, a child of misfortune Destined for desolation, lady luck's botched abortion" Great work, but a quick side note: you forgot the "I" in this line... "But today as dove into the abyss of my cup of morning coffee..." I notice things... ;) Vote - Addy
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07-23-2020, 06:44 PM | #7 | |
rockkFresh
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halo's verse was alright. Kind of gave me battle rap vibes, just from the wording and the way it was structured. It was okay though, I wasn't really blown away or had a certain segment stand out to me. The flow was pretty cool, it made for a quick smooth read. Certain parts the scheme switched up and added hesitation, but for the most part, it was cool.
Adverse' verse was better in my opinion. His use of imagery really helped get drawn into the verse. Quote:
PS: This is the second verse I read that involves coffee.. and, I gave up coffee 2 weeks ago. Life is funny like that, huh. vAdverse |
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07-23-2020, 07:04 PM | #8 |
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Halo your verse was so engaging u captured me. I was really enjoying the vibe. But adverse came with a supreme uppercut that disrupted the whole situation. You had some ins and outs adverse brought it about. I mean that adverse went ahead and grilled a steak medium rare sharpen the blade and made the cut precise. I'm giving it to adverse simply for that. well seasoned
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07-24-2020, 06:47 AM | #9 |
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hal0- Good man, you painted a picture. A lot of metaphors being thrown around here and an unusual structure you don't often see in GWL certainly helped this stand out. Felt you got a little repetitive by reference the quoter's name but that was a minor niggle. A few lines that stood out for me:
'a dark face, sink in my letters,while you sitting in a harsh space' 'i spit cobra language charlie talk,outta sight,the drugs hit so hard you can hardly walk save yourself ,while little sister cry's ,and detroit's getting ready to melt' Some braggadocious lines here and there which is uncommon in topicals. Good effort man. Thanks for signing up. Adverse- Great take on the topic here. You set the scene immediately and took us on a tour of the narrators thought process of how they refined pain into creativity. I enjoyed how you used the metaphor of time seeming to freeze when someone is going through depression. I certinaly relate to that on a personal level. Strong vocab, great metaphors, good rhyme scheme. No line was wasted. Might be the verse of the week. Vote- Adverse. |
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