WEEK FOUR: ADONIS (2-1) vs ADVERSE (1-0) AD WINS OPEN FOR FEED

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK FOUR

Verse Due: TUESDAY APRIL 19TH @ 11:59PM EST

@Adonis

Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:
"Meet me in Montauk." Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)


GOOD LUCK

[Adonis]

What goes on in a Philippines women's restroom?


Montauk

[Adverse]

Checking innn

[Adonis]

Ext just in case, but I'm gonna try my best to write tonight.

[Adverse]

The world is perfumed by the venom that’s drenching her love notes
Every red river ever formed was made with deliberate brush strokes
It seems to me that your lucky strike has bred arrogance
Absolute carelessness, have you ever thought of how many car accidents you barely missed?
How many serial killers you’ve passed in public and just weren’t aware of it?
When the reapers at his most stoical that’s when he’s also his scariest
Like a snake lying in wait, cobra going for the neck

I shed my jacket like yesterday’s skin, the night wasn’t as cold as I’d expect
Sitting in the squad car, scan the dash for the Polaroid I kept
A still frame of the wife and daughter at home I swore that I’d protect
My somber silence broken by a text; the notification becks
Me closer to the tech, picture of an emblem in the thread, and the note inside it read
“Meet me in Montauk”
Like clockwork, a phrase so familiar
My partner requested me at his house, we were chasing a killer
We’d meet to decipher the puzzles, see how it all goes together
The markings on the bodies, the photos and the coded letters
I put my phone down and kiss my rosary, then hold it to my chest
Punch in the coordinates, a siren’s voice on the GPS pulling me back West
I whip around 2nd Avenue, blazing through the streets
New York seemed a lot more empty than usual, or maybe that was me

The con to a photographic memory is I remember every scene
The dismemberment I’ve seen, bodies laying defenseless in my dreams
Ghosts of a past life presented in red tinted visions
Am I looking for the man who did this? Or am I looking for forgiveness?!


Awakened from comatose by blinding headlights on the highway
Trying to gather my thoughts but they squeeze through my finger spaces like rain
My anxiety starts to fluster as I finally park near my destination
I gather my things but don’t open the car door due to fearful hesitation

Something feels....off

Climb the walkway, ring the doorbell, met by my partner with a bewildered look in his eye
I chuckle at his shock “James man, don’t look so surprised!”
“W-what are you doing here bud?” he asks, starting to pace backwards
“You told me to come here so we could discuss the Staten Slasher?”
“When did they let you out?” “Let me out? What are you talking about?”
“It’s been three years since you lost them! Let it go! I’m calling the hospital now!”
“Wait, what?” The door slammed but through the cracks I heard his last shout
“The slasher is dead Tom! Don’t you remember? You’re the one who shot him down!”
Dumbstruck, i trudge back to the car, with my sanity flipped
Streetlight acting as the spotlight for the star of this tragedy script
Sinking down in the seat, feeling morbid and sick
As I drown in the memories of the night that I swore I’d forget...


The killer of a killer, the irony is I no longer am innocent
His blade’s body count is nothing to my own ignorance
I grew obsessed with the case, and getting closer to the truth
All that time I couldn’t see him drawing closer to both of you
My crusade for justice was the most worthless of vendettas
Didn’t see the signs whatsoever as I was purgin through those letters
So when I walked in my home to see the room decorated with blood spatter
I didn’t ask questions, I raised the gun and unloaded the slugs after
But every night he creeps back, that’s the reason I can’t let go
On repeat in these lucid dreams, I keep seeing him slash your throats
Up state in this asylum, I kick and scream trying to save you both
A sea of these white coats, rush to restrain and force feed me my “antidote”

As these thoughts fill this stolen cruiser, a voice beckons from the dash
Its name is escape, I caress its nickel plated scales, then set it on my lap
Gently raise it up against my temple, and coax the trigger back...BLAST
In the wake of the crimson aftermath, the phone screen lights up a new text message starts to flash
“Meet me in Montauk”


Do nightmares ever truly end?

[Universe]

Alright Addy... not sure I like you picking your own topic bud... Just throwing it out there. But I'm here to do the opposite of you these days... feed.

See what I did there? You know, because of your diet? Let's move along...

I loved this. Had everything I look for in a topical. Technical ability on display while telling a great story. Also, you're tugging at my heartstrings making this about a killer of a serial killer...

"Absolute carelessness, have you ever thought of how many car accidents you barely missed?
How many serial killers you’ve passed in public and just weren’t aware of it?
When the reapers at his most stoical that’s when he’s also his scariest"

- Amazing beginning and captures the readers interest.

Could've done without "the notification becks"... just say beckons man. It still works.

"I whip around 2nd Avenue, blazing through the streets
New York seemed a lot more empty than usual, or maybe that was me...

The con to a photographic memory is I remember every scene
The dismemberment I’ve seen, bodies laying defenseless in my dreams
Ghosts of a past life presented in red tinted visions
Am I looking for the man who did this? Or am I looking for forgiveness?!"

- Raw, unbridled skill on display here. Imagery was tremendous.

Dialogue section was pretty well handled. It's tough to do, maintaining your cadence and technique without coming off like its forced, but you did well.

"The killer of a killer, the irony is I no longer am innocent
His blade’s body count is nothing to my own ignorance"

- Loved this.

The asylum angle at the end coupled with that cliffhanger really tied the piece together nicely. This would've been tough to beat and Adonis knew it...

This is called a no-show KO. I've had enough of those to know it's a compliment.

Great stuff man. Thoroughly enjoyed it and read it twice.

[Candy]

adverse:

dope - i love the killer of killers.. the direction of where you traveled was dope like ny.. and the the description of what your narrator was doing was absolutely dope.. i really dug this story.. like the others week it was loose to general standards thats why i loved that you said "sanity" hehe but all in all the pace of it was cool a tight lil read and it unfolded at a sweet pace.. thanks

[Dominate]

Sucks you got no showed because waiting for Adonis to maybe show up + not needing to get votes in order to close this means you're getting less feedback than you otherwise would have on this, and it's a piece that's very deserving of feed.

The world is perfumed by the venom that’s drenching her love notes
Every red river ever formed was made with deliberate brush strokes

Strong opening. Great descriptors. Sets the tone of your verse nicely and a slick multi to boot.

It seems to me that your lucky strike has bred arrogance
Absolute carelessness, have you ever thought of how many car accidents you barely missed?
How many serial killers you’ve passed in public and just weren’t aware of it?
When the reapers at his most stoical that’s when he’s also his scariest
Like a snake lying in wait, cobra going for the neck

"Stoical" threw me for a sec bc I've only ever read "stoic" but I googled it and apparently both are correct and can be used interchangeably. Weird. Anyway, this section is good. I like that you followed up the opening couplet which was a little bit poetic and abstract with something a bit more tangible here. Very nice rhyming. I like the asking the reader a question device too. Might borrow that.

I shed my jacket like yesterday’s skin, the night wasn’t as cold as I’d expect

And now into a story. Perfectly paced opening. Shedding a jacket like a skin - continuing the snake reference from above, and also the perfect kind of small detail to bring your character alive and set the scene right from the go. Excellent.

Sitting in the squad car, scan the dash for the Polaroid I kept
A still frame of the wife and daughter at home I swore that I’d protect

Continuing great character development here. Lesser writers would say some variant of I AM A POLICEMAN but you're refined enough to just say you're sitting in the squad car and let the descriptor do the work for you.

My somber silence broken by a text; the notification becks
Me closer to the tech, picture of an emblem in the thread, and the note inside it read
“Meet me in Montauk”

OK here we are well into the verse before I found something I didn't like - "becks" rather than "beckons". But since you were right about stoical I've gone ahead and googled it and SON OF A BITCH apparently becks is indeed a word meaning the same as beckons. Still, I felt like "becks" was chosen over "beckons" to fit the rhyme scheme but you could've just structured it like:

My somber silence broken by a text; the notification beckons me closer to the tech,
picture of an emblem in the thread, and the note inside it read

and avoided the issue. Anyway, this is a fairly minor quibble. Moving on.

Like clockwork, a phrase so familiar
My partner requested me at his house, we were chasing a killer
We’d meet to decipher the puzzles, see how it all goes together
The markings on the bodies, the photos and the coded letters

"A phrase so familiar" seemed a little out of place and piqued my interest - why is it familiar?? This was the first little clue that something isn't as it seems, but it's subtle enough not to give anything away yet. Perfect. The next three lines are smooth af mechanically and work well to build your story.

I put my phone down and kiss my rosary, then hold it to my chest
Punch in the coordinates, a siren’s voice on the GPS pulling me back West


Similar to the squad car thing I mentioned before - "kiss my rosary" is such a quick, simple descriptor that builds your character and lets us know he's a religious fellow without actually saying it. Perfect example of "show don't tell".
Sirens voice on the GPS pulling me back west is FIRE.

I whip around 2nd Avenue, blazing through the streets
New York seemed a lot more empty than usual, or maybe that was me

Dope. Story progression + character development via a sweet little wordplay. Love it. Excellent line.

The con to a photographic memory is I remember every scene
The dismemberment I’ve seen, bodies laying defenseless in my dreams
Ghosts of a past life presented in red tinted visions
Am I looking for the man who did this? Or am I looking for forgiveness?!

Awesome. This is the perfect place to put this little introspective cutaway from the action after the character saying he's empty. Rhymes in that first couplet were niiiice. "In red tinted visions" was a great descriptor and that last line I"m like "OHHH???? WHERE IS THIS GOING???"

Awakened from comatose by blinding headlights on the highway
Trying to gather my thoughts but they squeeze through my finger spaces like rain
My anxiety starts to fluster as I finally park near my destination
I gather my things but don’t open the car door due to fearful hesitation

This wasn't "bad" per se but I did think it was the most weakly written section of the whole piece - I had a little issue with word choices in all four of these lines. "Comatose" I didn't think was the right word for describing a mental snap back to paying attention to the road out of heavy daydreaming/introspecting. Even if the character had been literally asleep at the wheel I think comatose is too strong. That aside I thought the line was well written to come back to the action after the cutaway. Thoughts squeezing through finger spaces I didn't like. I get that you just said he's trying to gather the thoughts which I guess implies hands but it still was a bit off to me. Fluster wasn't the right word - it's like saying "my anxiety starts to get anxious". You wanted to say my anxiety starts to awaken or starts to rear its head or something like that. And "due to" fearful hesitation wasn't quite right. Maybe "... don't open the car door, stuck in fearful hesitation" would be better. Sorry if I sound like a dick here, tbc this section still succeeds in developing both the plot and the character in an interesting fashion, I just had some minor issues with four lines in a row here. I like the something feels off line. Well placed.

Climb the walkway, ring the doorbell, met by my partner with a bewildered look in his eye
I chuckle at his shock “James man, don’t look so surprised!”
“W-what are you doing here bud?” he asks, starting to pace backwards
“You told me to come here so we could discuss the Staten Slasher?”
“When did they let you out?” “Let me out? What are you talking about?”
“It’s been three years since you lost them! Let it go! I’m calling the hospital now!”
“Wait, what?” The door slammed but through the cracks I heard his last shout
“The slasher is dead Tom! Don’t you remember? You’re the one who shot him down!”


Ooooooo here it is, the TWIST. This section shows an excellent command of dialogue tags, and you wove the dialogue and action descriptions together nicely while still maintaining flow and rhymes. Not easy to do. "The Staten Slasher" was a dope name for the killer haha. Opening line of this section was a bit too long but that's a minor issue.

Dumbstruck, i trudge back to the car, with my sanity flipped
Streetlight acting as the spotlight for the star of this tragedy script
Sinking down in the seat, feeling morbid and sick
As I drown in the memories of the night that I swore I’d forget...

Streetlight line was superb. This bit bridges the gap between the twist and the upcoming reveal/explanation nicely.

The killer of a killer, the irony is I no longer am innocent
His blade’s body count is nothing to my own ignorance

Very nice. I love how you bookend this expository section with something a little bit poetic/abstract/introspective here and then snap back to the action in the asylum in the last couplet.

I grew obsessed with the case, and getting closer to the truth
All that time I couldn’t see him drawing closer to both of you
My crusade for justice was the most worthless of vendettas
Didn’t see the signs whatsoever as I was purgin through those letters
So when I walked in my home to see the room decorated with blood spatter
I didn’t ask questions, I raised the gun and unloaded the slugs after
But every night he creeps back, that’s the reason I can’t let go
On repeat in these lucid dreams, I keep seeing him slash your throats

Perfectly paced, well written explanation for the mystery you've built

Up state in this asylum, I kick and scream trying to save you both
A sea of these white coats, rush to restrain and force feed me my “antidote”

Great descriptors. Excellent end to this section.

As these thoughts fill this stolen cruiser, a voice beckons from the dash
Its name is escape, I caress its nickel plated scales, then set it on my lap
Gently raise it up against my temple, and coax the trigger back...BLAST
In the wake of the crimson aftermath, the phone screen lights up a new text message starts to flash
“Meet me in Montauk”

Ah hah, so you DO say "beckons" rather than "becks" when you're not trying to rhyme it. LOL OK this ending was dope. The personification of "escape" was great. The in the wake line a was little too long but no biggie. "Do nightmares ever really end?" brought this to a perfect close.


Man this was, by far, the best verse I've read from you. A level above everything I've seen previously. There was a LOT to like here, and only a couple of minor quibbles. Really, really good man. Well done.