Extramundane Nonmaterial Experiences - Sitting at A Bodhi Tree

[Illume]

Removed

[Illume]

Feed, anyone?

[Eŋg]

i enjoyed this. you have talent. your rhyming was a bit uninspired at times, more for the fact you chose similar sounds to re-rhyme. those parts are technically repetitions, which is a legit technique in itself, but i kind of just thought it was used because you lacked either creativity or effort in instances. the wording was a bit stiff/unnatural in spots, also. it wasn't mundane, though, and held my interest throughout; the narrative was digestible. this was pretty solid, and i see room for improvement with potential to match (or exceed) that... so keep sharpening your skills. pz.

[Illume]

Originally Posted by Eŋg

i enjoyed this. you have talent. your rhyming was a bit uninspired at times, more for the fact you chose similar sounds to re-rhyme. those parts are technically repetitions, which is a legit technique in itself, but i kind of just thought it was used because you lacked either creativity or effort in instances. the wording was a bit stiff/unnatural in spots, also. it wasn't mundane, though, and held my interest throughout; the narrative was digestible. this was pretty solid, and i see room for improvement with potential to match (or exceed) that... so keep sharpening your skills. pz.

Yea I wrote so much of it in a similar scheme and there was other I stuff I wanted to say, but was outside this scheme. I found it difficult to craft it from one scheme into another and back so I guess I was bein lazy or playin it safe. The last sorta, ten lines were by far my favorite, I admit lookin back on this that some of the rhymes in the middle don't seem to flow so well but yea I can always work at it.

It reads a certain way to seem overly forced in parts and in my own head, like audio wise, the flow is slightly different. Tryina convey that can be a bit difficult but thanks man you've given me food for thought.

[JESODIST]

Very deep brother, Feeling the multie rhymes as well.

[UnbornBuddha]

This was most excellent. The ending I believe should not have ended in a question considering the way everything else was presented. Although the question does give the reader the opportunity to meditate, just like the mediator. But since this was given under the eye of the meditator at the Bodhi tree, I don't believe he will have any more questions of such things for that still entails a discovery left undone; A passage or journey still not trekked.
This tale of the ascetic's redemption is quite fitting. In terms of presentation the flow and wording is off at times, and some lines can be made stronger. Especially when he awakened, it seemed very casual, almost uninspired. But, either way this was a splendid presentation, especially the last 12 lines. I hope to read more.

[Vulgar]

There's some excellent writing circulating on the first two pages of the OM. There's definitely imagination present and this poster above^ is perfectly suited to read this piece and give you his take on it, since it's right up his alley. Half the time you are bland, rhyming words like edible, while other times you unleash the heathen within you!

He followed the smell – char - like it was cumin incense,
Found a bitumen world in his head, coarse and putrid with stench.
^This bar was sick. I like the word 'bitumen.'

That’s when he basked in the wake of the infinite suns;
The codes of existence inscipted as prints on his fingers and thumbs.
^This reminded me of Nigma's open mic 'Galactic Fractals', if you haven't heard of it, I'd recommend checking it out for reading pleasure.

Thanks for the read, I'll continue to look out for more of your work in the future.

Keep doing you