Week 8 Mag feat Zuch and Destroyer

[Sharp]

[Intro]
What’s up everyone, Sharp back with Zuch and Des for the final mag of the regular season. Happy to say, despite the week 7 rut, we had 0 no-shows. That’s no small feat and speaks to the quality of participants we have here, so props to all of you for continuing to show up and make this league dope. Like I said, this is the end of the regular season, so let’s talk about the playoffs…





[Playoff Info]

Can you smell the high functioning autism in the air? Looks like it’s playoff time. Here’s everything you need to know.

Eligibility:
All are welcome to sign in for the playoffs, but only the top 8 scorers will qualify. Scores are determined by the following formula: Wins - loses + (wins/2). The reason for record differential + wins/2 is to reward those who participated longer - this formula gives priority to someone who went 4-3 or even 4-4 vs someone who went 1-0. You must sign in in the playoff thread to be considered.

Seeding/Tiebreakers:
Seeding will be based on records at the end of week 8, meaning no one is technically ‘in’ yet (you can still sign out) but some are mathematically guaranteed a spot. If you’re not sure if you make the top 8, a win this week can swing your score 2 points (or more, if the right people lose) so show the fuck up.
In the event of a tie for a spot, we will not have, for example, 2 #4 seeds. In the event of a tie for a position, the spot will be determined by (in this order): champ match appearances, contender appearances, Roast wins, history of NS, and finally if any wins were NS. In the event of a tie for qualifying (number 8), there will be a play-in pic roast. Hope that doesn’t happen.

Schedule/What to look for:
Hopefully weekly like the regular season. To fight off the playoff fall in interest, there will be events like a roast that are open to all, but eligibility will require voting in playoff matches.

And of course, the winner of the season, along with the prestige and accomp, gets this sent to them free of charge (or sent to someone else), dont really care, it's yours.

Originally Posted by Sharp

[Reviews]
[Sharp]

Champ Match: Zuch 5-1 vs evaD 4-0
Delayed Coronation

Suck it Blue, Zuch wins a legitimate champ match. Zuch’s first champ win by votes comes with Dave’s first loss, capping off an impressive 4 week win streak. Dave managed one vote to Zuch’s six, and while he was consistent, that five vote difference is pretty understandable. Zuch was in his wheelhouse here, bringing clever and mean roasts that read smoothly. His bitcoin future especially was the kind of bar that reminds you why he’s been in most of this season’s champ matches. Dave was equally consistent - no small feat in a champ match - but despite having his share of great punches he didn’t have the universally loved bars that get you votes. This was all around a good read and both brought heat, but Zuch hangs on to a well deserved title defense.

Zuch
Not sure WHAT you are, am I killing a meerkat?
Looks like the vet forgot who was who and just started pinning your ears back
That hairline on a steady climb, It should hit points sooner
This dude went to the salon and told the barber “gimme the Bitcoin future”

Dave
That look ain’t puppy love man something’s clearly stressed it
Now that right hand death grips got me legit concerned about where your left is


Contender Match: Hush 5-1 vs Destroyer 4-2
What Can I Say About this One?

Knowing what comes later in this mag? Shit. I’ll be brief. It felt like Hush and Des both were a little off, but at least that means they were evenly matched. They both had concepts that made me double check who was battling, but the wording/delivery/swagger was still there. What surprised me was how different the votes looked. We had people saying it was close and people saying it was a blowout voting for both. The determining factor in each seemed to be what voters found to be a miss, and universally loved bars were few and far inbetween. I’ll hold my tongue on the minutia because that’s been analyzed extremely thoroughly later, but the fact is juuust enough voters found Hush more consistent.

Hush
Ur new T-Mobile uniform got me thinking that u smoking dope
The pattern on the jacket is borderline scribble .. same as any verse u ever wrote

Destroyer
Counter look bare as fuck... like do you ever buy food?
But check up top - u ain’t running out of salt & pepper anytime soon


FGR 3-2 vs Sharp 1-0
Jaded Mods With Something in the Tank

I’m glad this one went down the way it did. FGR and I both clearly started our verses on Friday but still came up with memorable lines that match our styles well. The 10 line format suited us pretty well, and in a week where it was the only 10 line battle, it was reasonably refreshing. FGR and I both brought our usual styles, with nothing bonkers but a close number of solid hits that understandably split the voters dead even. Despite ending at 4-4, the takeaway from this should be that this league has facilitated very different styles that appeal to different voters. I owe FGR a rematch with a proper decision, but for now, it was a solid, quick piece of last week’s undercard.

FGR
Looking like Andy dick at 26.. I wanna strangle you n take out my aggressions
Have my hands move around the neck faster than intense chord progressions

Sharp
I get the face coverings now... shit's kinda tragic
can't tell if your forehead's bad genetics or Braille for 'I'm a faggot'


Wanderer 2-4 vs Adverse 2-4
Power In Preference

Man, I wish these guys had gone fewer lines. We had a damn close battle that just came down to who was closer to a stronger hit. I really went back and forth with this one. Both of them lacked mechanical details that could’ve pushed some bars to the next level, but both had some clever and funny approaches to their opponent’s pics. We had bars being quoted as hilarious in one post, but a complete miss in the next. These guys both have concepts, but need to take their time with wording and execution. It was a good battle that left something to be desired, but had some good standout moments.

Adverse
Them proportions is wild man, if I was you I'd be upset bro
How the fuck we only see half your face in this pic and it's still 90% nose

Wanderer
They see ur potential? We’ll agree to disagree, this work is an art
& speaking of splitting hairs... those eyebrows couldn’t be further apart


UserName 3-3 vs TOP iLL DRAGSTER TWO 3-3
Clash of (Man)Tit-ans

Sorry. You’re both fat. I’m tired. You guys are way better than me at fat jokes because those 32 lines were clever to fire. Despite being a decisive User win, this was far from a blowout. TOP clearly keys every verse, but it’s hardly a weakness. His style manages to play to the ‘first look’ of a pic. He took what was noticeable - red hair, fat, middle finger - and dropped funny takes on them. I really appreciate not having to look back 10 times to study the image reflected in the logo of the toaster in the background. Those ‘huh’ moments kill a verse and TOP never has those awkward pauses. His 16 were just that - funny, flowed well, and direct. User continues his streak of dropping the best fat bars this league has seen. What helped his verse stand out was playing to the fact that both pics weren’t just fat, they were fat and redheaded. Not a huge similarity, but User’s riffing on them really set his verse apart in what I thought of as the battle of the week.

UserName
What a knee-high joke, & despite what this geek might post
We know you’re an alias, there’s always an asshole behind cheeks like those
He's never been good at sports, he just chokes on tendies
And if he's ever threatened a Triple Double, it's at his local Wendy's

TOP iLL DRAGSTER TWO
His whole body depressed, those muscles are burning
That middle finger needs a Xanax and a pep talk just to get up in the morning


Mac 2-4 vs Quiz 0-1
Going 16: A Cautionary Tale

RIP Quiz. We hardly knew you. Probably for the best. This should’ve been shorter. Quiz’s verse shows experience, mechanical skill, even practice in audio, but his concepts are just so dated that they feel tired out before the bar ends. If he tweaked it a bit, he could be dropping dope verses. Instead, he’s dropping out. Mac definitely ran out of steam, but he brought just enough of those clever observations that have helped him carve out a niche. Quiz managed a few votes, but the consensus seemed to be that his verse, while consistent, wasn’t consistently good enough to outshine Mac. It reminds me of the years of ‘played but well worded vs fresh but terribly worded’ arguments, but Mac did just enough with the bars that counted to eke out the votes he needed.

Mac
kiddo i've seen weird stuff but this is overwhelming
floor's lava is all fun n games but ur legs are actually melting





[Inside the Mind Of a Pic Voter]
[Destroyer]

Ok, ok need to vote need to vote, don’t want Sharp to call me out by name for not voting and have that posted on NCs for eternity only to be remembered in 2046 when Corleone’s son logs in and starts an unsettling posting spree with fashion accolades and false WU history. Let’s see... let’s see... hush vs destroyer this should be a good battle, I like both of these dudes... ok ok let’s take a look at the openers... hush let’s see let’s see... purple haze so jimmy hendrix wrote the soundtrack to his molestation. Dope. Just super super creative. Background is purple... how did he even see that????? Ok ok let’s take a look at des’s opener, see how it stacks up... “thots keep his head in the pink” okokok “clean pussy wash the pet in the sink????” Well, come on now, that’s just obvious low hanging fruit. Anyone would see a cat in the sink and write a bar about pussy, too easy too easy. Now, that Purple Haze bar, that was creative shit. I mean, he’s got like a purple haze around him in the whole picture! That implies that not only was he clearly molested as a child, but also that rocker Jimi Hendrix obviously penned the musical accompaniment to said molestation, it’s a purple haze for fuck’s sake!!! And molestation sounds bad, REAL bad. That’s a dope bar. Des had... what, “thots that keep his head in the pink???” That’s somewhat clever, I guess I mean the whole thought/thot thing and head like his brain but also his dick in the pink like pussy... the doc is saying it, so that implies venereal disease of some sort, and then cleaner pussy like the cat getting a bath which is cleaner pussy, ok I mean sure there’s like 10 things happening there, and some decent multi usage too, but again, did it mention anything about the background color? No. Nothing about a haze of the violet orientation or a single hint of molestation either. I’m gonna judge it as lowhanging fruit, prolly won’t even quote it tbhendrix... now, this hush opener on the other hand, I’m still flabbergasted over hush being able to even get purple haze as a concept while looking at this picture. and as we all know, from grade school, purple haze=Jimi=molestation soundtracks. I mean, if one were to ask me seriously “who would you say is the GOAT artist when it comes to molestation soundtracks,” it would be Jimi Hendrix. Every time. Or R Kelly. But, I mean does he even like purple???

V/hush


[Juxtaposed, pt 2]
[Sharp]

Told you I'd make fun of myself.

Corleone bless








[Previews]
[Zuch]


Champ Match: Zuch vs Hush
[Sharp]

I can’t think of a better way to wrap up this season than this. Zuch has largely been the surprise of the UPN crowd. They’re all dope, but Zuch has consistently been the underdog but after 7 weeks he’s managed an impressive 6-1 record. His ascension to league champ carried the black mark of an asterisk due to Blue’s no showing, but his performance last week all but erased it. His verse against Dave wasn’t necessarily his strongest, but highlights exactly why he’s in his third straight champ match. He’s consistent as all hell, capable of clever observations, and - deadliest of all - able to turn those observations from ‘heh’ to a laugh-out-loud funny banger. He’s theoretically a threat to anyone on NC, but his opponent has proven to be deadly. Hush is the personification of effortless. While building his own 6-1 record he’s dropped verses with the same steez whether it was his 99/1 odds against Exis or soundly beating fellow HOF member Neighbor. His week one profile made it clear that if he wants to, he can beat anyone, and the question was just a matter of if he felt like it. Hush’s last 7 weeks have more than answered that question. He’s one of the few season regulars to not sign up for playoffs (and I have a suspicion that won’t change). I have a feeling Hush wants to finish the season strong. His style is remarkably personal and he consistently keeps his angles fresh. Zuch’s going to give him ammo. Hush will have clever takes on it. This will be one to read.


Resin v FGR

First of all, welcome back to our buddy Resin. He was running hot before signing out. This guy is clever and has been for 20 years. He can beat anybody at any time. He gets to come back against the guy with my favorite clownable pics, FGR. FGR, otherwise known as Fat Gay Roofer, has put together some fine verses this year. Some pretty memorable bars, and he’s gonna need to come with consistency this week if he wants to have a shot against Resin. I’m looking forward to this one for sure. I got Resin with the edge here.

Resin -320


User v. Spree

Another good one here. I LOVE Spree’s bar structure and delivery. His stuff is easy to read and that’s just as important as comedy in my opinion. He’s dangerous for the simple fact that if he has some good concepts you’re going to be feeling that shit. User is the man when it comes to left-field comedy and wording. His setups are effortless and he is known to land some haymakers every week. You can not beat this man without going your best. Spree is in for a tough one this week but he can definitely hang. User with the edge but not a lock. Gonna be a good one.

User -210


Adverse v. Top iLL

Top iLL claims he’s retiring after this week but we’ve all heard that from several battlers in the past. Either way, this guy is pretty funny and has a cool idgaf style. Adverse is more topical I believe but he’s a class act and a formidable opponent for anyone. He’s another guy with great structure. If he comes up with some great ideas and words them right he has a good shot. Unfortunately Top iLL has already posted so there are no betting odds open.

Top iLL (N/A)


Dave v Destroyer

Two of my fav people AND favorite writers. Dave had a dope verse against me last week and is super consistent. He is looking to rebound off the loss and have faith he will “cum-hard” haha man that’s funny. Destroyer has been heating up. He lost a nail biter against Hush 5-4 last week and some though he won comfortably. He is out for blood and is known to lace his verse with zingers. This one is going to go either way and can’t wait to read it.

Dave -140


Wanderer v. Mac

Both of these guys show up every week. They vote, they write, they are why text is alive. I am always excited to read verses from these guys because they are always good for some fire sprinkled throughout. They are similar in the fact that they are not the greatest at wording their concepts, but the concepts alone are dope and once in a while they click nicely. This is a great head to head to close the season out. I’m going Mac with the SLIGHTEST edge because he had some dope shit last week.

Mac -120


[Outro]
Shoutout to Zuch and Destroyer for the dope contributions. Thanks to Zuch and Mac for responding to my music call. Make sure to sign up for the playoffs if you’re interested. This is the end of the regular season, so let’s have it go out the right way. Make it dope. Peace

[Mac]

lmaooooo noooo this is dope

[UserName]

Lmao I want that Mac picture on my fridge

[Hush]

Nice

[Adverse]

Another fire mag fellas, kudos!

[Bomb Bard]

Great work

[Inno]

Dope mag fellas