Thoughts of Rebecca

[H4ZE]

I think I posted the original version on here months ago, but recently I decided to rewrite some of my old shit that had good topics to bring it to the level I'm at now. Also this will be part of my mix tape I'm working on, I just ordered my recording equipment the other day.

Thoughts of rebecca:
[Rebecca's thoughts]
been bullied most of my life, called a whore and a slut
They tell me I should die, I've had more than enough
I keep switchin schools, and I hope to escape
But I still get bullied, my only emotion is pain
They tell me I'm ugly and i'm starting to believe its true
Do you know how hard it is when nobody believes in you?
Suicide seems nice, my only relief is pain
and god never helps out, though I scream his name
From what I've seen, there's no way out of this mess
Home ain't safe, on the internet they clown me, im stressed
Each hurtful thing feels like they pound on my chest
Like I fell in an abyss, walkin around in its depths
I'm insecure, i put make up on to cover my scars
I do my best, a few friends try to comfort my heart
But my heart is a mess, I feel no love and only hate
Maybe I should end it, instead of livin this lonely fate...

[My thoughts]
Flip on the news, to notice a girl I've seen before
Rebecca killed her self, it left me completely sore
Read the story on the ledger, couldn't believe it
seeing her in person you wouldn't have seen it
She seemed happy, the bullying was killing her slowly
Friends had no idea that she was feeling so lonely
They told her she was nothing, that she sould die
spent nights laying awake, she would weep and cry
I wish I could've helped, and it kills me inside
To know if someone helped she would still be alive
It hurts me to know someone I met has ended their life
It hurts more to know she had to pretend she was fine
Kids said they didn't care, she was lost and confused
I know what it feels like cuz I've been talked about to
What the kids did wasn't right, they pushed her to death
they wanna feel bad now after she took her last breath...

[Effects of bullying]
People don't understand what bullying can do to you
You feel lost, the things they say start feelin true to you
You feel useless to and the effects of this are murderous
Feelin like you have no meaning, feelin like your world is shit
In this world the kids have no respect for each other
Even family does it to, kids neglecting their brothers
Friends turn foes when they say they'll forever be with ya
Dissin friends, but before they were "meant to be sisters"
This leads to girls cutting and soon ending in death
The kids that once bullied them pretend to regret
shoulda thought before u acted, you basically killed her
But deep inside, I know you felt a pain and it still hurts
To her mother, sorry you had to go through this madness
Dealin with what was caused by these rude and bad kids
To the girls that caused it, I know your feelin' messed up
Cuz you have to deal with the fact that you killed Rebecca...

[Kin]

Like how this was split into sections that had different perspectives...nice writing...structured well...would like to hear what ur plans for the Hook are

Some real shit here....enjoyed the story

HoLLa

[H4ZE]

Really appreciate the feed. I haven't thought much on the plans for the hook yet but I will.
Thanks for the feed man.

[Split]

your writing is good but idk if it would work with audio. anyways.

I enjoyed reading this.

First thing, structure your writing a little more. With a long story, a storyboard/ quick chain of events + thoughts might help. I feel as though with Rebecca's thoughts, she is already suicidal in the first few lines. This makes "my thoughts" seem to be reflective on a Rebecca us readers are unfamiliar with, and makes it hard to relate. Imagine helping your friend through a rough break-up without ever having met his girlfriend... I mean, the process might be the same, but your ability to empathize/ help them cope with their range of emotions is severely limited without specifics or references

I think running a parallel plot would also help with your very direct focus on bullying and its effects... maybe a drive to the doctor's, or the beach. You are lost in your thoughts but immersed in the world, and the presentation of your realizations about life & the signifcance of Rebecca's death would carry much more weight... you can play around with imagery, mood, and tone much more. It'd be less of a burden on the reader to try and comprehend the nitty, gritty details of someone who you are presenting as a near stranger. *

Your writing is very clear, logical, and you have good potential for storytelling.

Read some pieces by the users "Just Write" and "Adonis"


Keep keyin & thanks much for the feed

*Subtlety is more powerful than directness, you say more with less words & entice people into thoroughly examining your lines

[H4ZE]

Thanks for the feed, I appreciate it. I'll definitely work on my writing.