crazy topical i never got feed on..

[patrown]

Spawned inside inferno's of souls from hell,
out flew a winged demon with a story to tell,
secrets known for ages, by mages lighting pyres.
Under the matron of hatred feeding our desires.
In the darkest depths before then, all aspired to return.
Molten flesh dripped off one lone man whose unconcerned.
Gripped by a look of death projecting hate at the dark prince,
his understanding eyes perfected his demon with one glimpse.

Seeing rise of rebellion, he bit him as cast from hell
Dark mists lift to reveal where the trojan horse now dwells
The size of the fanged creature dwarfed her as they kissed.
Surprised by strange features that form the one she's missed
She sits on the grass beside him, both not saying anything
Had lost everything waiting, displaying her ring
He explained her mother's pain and burning despair
Then told her how to release her, turning to avert her stare

Tearing open dark beneath required satan's presence.
it's there in his flesh, ready to consume as her present
She'll resent him on her breath, to saveher life,
but the evil blood within him made her end his that night.
"Here's my knife, take this scythe, think twice and forget it"!
Felt arms swinging, with all her might and his weapon's,
Then came a flood of answers, to any question ever asked
As blood lands on the tip of her tongue, satan laughs.

The rift her soul exhumes, making a wish swiftly.
Energy entombed in the world, giving its gifts quickly.
Then earth shifts, and begins molding to fit her every fantasy,
Tectonic plates folding within lift up heavenly canopies,
Untold numbers of demons wait to devour by their leige
when he's near she feels them, standing clear of her disease.
It was fear in a dream that's screaming pure energy,
holding the world with seams of sure symmetry.
An impure entity, evil genes offset the balance,
as somewhere in heaven, blood spilled from the chalice.

She hungered for respect, malice and fear,
feasted on his neck, with teeth like bone sheers.
The heathen bloods drips with the taste of hatred
Licked off fangs and lips, savoring evil

Breathe in; the oxygen, intoxicating decay.
Unleash hells occupants, skies rain the end of days.
Hellfire and decay scar plains of the Earth for eternity,
Burning men filleted in flames, in hurt and uncertainty.

and that's us, with past life's paint brush application,
the sins of an entity sent to be in the same situations

[IamBenT]

a little feedback, cuz that pic is crazy...

Surprised by strange features that form the one she's missed
She sits on the grass beside him, both not saying anything
Had lost everything waiting, displaying her ring
He explained her mother's pain and burning despair

all this is pretty dope here

Then earth shifts, and begins molding to fit her every fantasy,
Tectonic plates folding within lift up heavenly canopies,
Untold numbers of demons wait to devour by their leige
when he's near she feels them, standing clear of her disease.

Really liked that, its these flashes of brilliance that
i gotta see more of

All in all a nice verse but at times it plods along due to some awkward wording issues
Its hard for me to pinpoint exactly how to fix, because you do some very nice things in spots
that show alot of imagination and a knack for vivid storytelling. I would say really focus on a
character and juxtaposing the demon's evil with her even greater evil. and really make the connection
clear that it's "us" like you say at the end.

Dope

[Dove Dozer]

this was dope. the diction and mechanics were top notch on this. too many quotables to list.


very ill piece here man.. I would like to see more of your work.. I'll keep my eyes peeled for your stuff mang

[Just Write]

Originally Posted by patrown

Spawned inside inferno's of souls from hell,
out flew a winged demon with a story to tell,
secrets known for ages, by mages lighting pyres.
Under the matron of hatred feeding our desires.
In the darkest depths before then, all aspired to return.
Molten flesh dripped off one lone man whose unconcerned.
Gripped by a look of death projecting hate at the dark prince,
his understanding eyes perfected his demon with one glimpse.

nice opener, i dont get what you meant by "his understanding eyes PERFECTED his demon with one glimpse, could be you just added it to accent projecting or i could be a dumb ass.. either way didnt make sense to me.

Seeing rise of rebellion, he bit him as cast from hell
Dark mists lift to reveal where the trojan horse now dwells
The size of the fanged creature dwarfed her as they kissed.
Surprised by strange features that form the one she's missed

nic, wish you elaborated on the feature she missed that you were talking about (descriptiveness is key for me)

She sits on the grass beside him, both not saying anything
Had lost everything waiting, displaying her ring
He explained her mother's pain and burning despair
Then told her how to release her, turning to avert her stare

seemed more like filler but i liked it, hiccuped through the "displaying her ring " part but enjoyed it never the less/

Tearing open dark beneath required satan's presence.
it's there in his flesh, ready to consume as her present
She'll resent him on her breath, to save her life,
but the evil blood within him made her end his that night.

i don't like that first line and i'm going to just say im a stickler for flow and matched syllable rhyming so "save her life" and "end his that night" didnt sound right to me.



"Here's my knife, take this scythe, think twice and forget it"!
Felt arms swinging, with all her might and his weapon's,
Then came a flood of answers, to any question ever asked
As blood lands on the tip of her tongue, satan laughs.


forget it and weapons does not rhyme.. at all, still... i enjoyed this part and the emotion conveyed.

The rift her soul exhumes, making a wish swiftly.
Energy entombed in the world, giving its gifts quickly.
Then earth shifts, and begins molding to fit her every fantasy,
Tectonic plates folding within lift up heavenly canopies,
Untold numbers of demons wait to devour by their leige
when he's near she feels them, standing clear of her disease.


i thoroughly enjoyed this part, beautifully done


It was fear in a dream that's screaming pure energy,
holding the world with seams of sure symmetry.
An impure entity, evil genes offset the balance,
as somewhere in heaven, blood spilled from the chalice.

also dope,

She hungered for respect, malice and fear,
feasted on his neck, with teeth like bone sheers.
The heathen bloods drips with the taste of hatred
Licked off fangs and lips, savoring evil

ok i respect what you were going for but i dont like how the first line had i guess you can say a "soft" ending and when you threw the word "bone" in there it made it one of those hiccups IMO, also hatred and evil does not rhyme.

Breathe in; the oxygen, intoxicating decay.
Unleash hells occupants, skies rain the end of days.
Hellfire and decay scar plains of the Earth for eternity,
Burning men filleted in flames, in hurt and uncertainty.

and that's us, with past life's paint brush application,
the sins of an entity sent to be in the same situations


enjoyed this end

overall i DID enjoy this piece minus the few things i addressed above. please don't take anything personal, you said this was never fed so i'm trying to give it the proper feed it deserves. this is actually the first piece ive been able to feed from a computer so i went a little more in-depth. i think if you took out a few unnecessary filler words and adjusted those syllable rhymes it would vastly improve your work, you're already a top notch narrator and can obviously build a plot/story.. anyways man stay up and keep writing. peace

[Zen]

What up patrown I never see you on this site anymore lol. But anywho this piece was good mainly because of the imagery it caputured from the opening line and that never stopped. The problem with this is the wording as everyone else has said. Some wording issues took away from lines that could have had more impact but thats no biggie. If you keep practicin that can be corrected with no problem. I try reading the lines out loud or rapping them and if they don't sound right rapping them, they won't sound right for another person to read it since they won't read it as you do. I hope this makes sense I'm trying to give constructive feedback here but I did like the piece. Keep droppin man.

[patrown]

thanks for the input fellas. it's very much appreciated.