AOWL Week 9: TYSON (2-3) vs. Patrown (2-2) [TYSON WINS, 5-4.]

[Split]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum. (if agreed upon by both participants, you may go beyond the limit at your own risk.)

Verses are due SATURDAY 4/13 at 11:59 PST.
Extensions are due SUNDAY 4/14 at 11:59 PST.
(There is a 6 hour grace period following the end of the extension deadline. If you fail to post anything by the end of the grace period time, you will be given the no show loss.)

You must vote on at least 4 other battles and post links in the Voting Thread. For every absent vote, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.

Voting ends TUESDAY 4/16 at 11:59 PST. (Unless otherwise it may be extended another day at the most.)

You MUST check in.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.

NOTE
Swaying, excessive freeposting, voter fraud etc. are grounds for vote deductions at discretion of the moderators.
Editing your verse after the grace period, after your opponent posts, or after the first vote (especially this)- as well as biting- are grounds for disqualification at discretion of the moderators.

TOPIC: THIS IS A SPLIT TOPIC. One will write a verse supporting an idea, and the other will write a verse supporting an opposing idea.

@TYSON -Listening
@patrown -Speaking

Good luck to both participants.

[TYSON]

Bwahahaha

[patrown]

check.

[patrown]

requesting extension

[TYSON]

Same here might be on time but just in case

[TYSON]

Bare with me I'm experimenting......

Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening.


The life of no sight is dark but I'm never alone
Flys buzz outside the minds crutch I hear the beauty in tones
Words become home for they paint pictures of the unknown
descriptions fill the void textures feel the forge hearing the blacksmith chill the swords
Instruments of sound play profoundly blessed by the tune
Sight can't adjust its frequency it aludes the pupils
Sonar tapping into clues blind but my attention knows no equal
The sudden pounds of the drum rumbles the soul in retrospect of my heartbeat
Rhythm fast when lies are a mist detected my ears are detective
See thru the farse of my disability meaning I'm deformed and decripete
Trending topics sound ubsurd the eyes are costly
Vanity for upholstery and outer beauty creates insanity and adultery
I'm infacturated by spoken words and the whispers...trances the heart
Each syllable grasps a literal nerve twiching with anticipation at its pivotal
My counterpart speaks the days past she confides in me
Leaking her soul and I soak it up drenched when she crys on me
Ears always open and mouth sealed taking lessons that u usually wouldn't hear
The stutters from the penmenship of a boxer brings tears to my eyes
For it reveals the pain that killed his brain to achieve the meals to sustain
I hear crickets to determine night, bird's to determine morning...years hold no fear
Time humbles the normal perception of self through what the mirror appears
Knowledge is diverse there's even a strange evil genius in the perverse
Eyes can be deceived but my ears can never be coerced

[patrown]

Blink if you’re to weep so each eye can shed its burden
Making room for newer tears, cleansing fear from greasy curtains
There’s only sorrow in the truth if it emerges against your will
Dimensions reverse in seconds once tragedy’s revealed

Convoluted youth’s are often ignorant of their facets
We were in need of one another, like tools are to mechanics
At first we stayed aloof to a mutual attraction
tried to reproduce after a handful of interactions
the conversation brought her in, sex only a bonus
persuaded her to share the missing piece of doughnut
but would go nuts if I didn’t answer a call
even if I’d respond by texting a picture of my wall
I was never home, or alone in her mind’s eye
One day she threatened suicide, I said “fine, die”

I looked April’s picture in the eyes asking, “will it ever change?”
Tears welled up in oval windows shaking in their frames
When the mirrored glass breaks, I’ll pick up a jagged piece
Cut both wrists and write four words, “think before you speak.”

[Zen]

Tyson: What really really really would have helped your piece would have been some puncuation. A comma here and there so I know when to pause with the piece instead of having to reread a line over to find the right rhythm of the piece. Besides that I'd say this a solid piece. The beginning was much stronger than the end. It seemed to start to fall off halfway through but all in all a good piece. P.S. Commas....
Patrown: I thought you told a nice story here, well I guess nice isn't the right word since there's a suicide at the end lol. But it was a good story. The only thing that held back your story was your simplistic rhyme scheme and adding things which were kinda ridiculous in the middle of it (sharing a doughnut). The thing that stood out to me after reading both of your verses was that you actually used puncuation. Kudos for that.

All in all I gotta go with Tyson for having the better piece here.

[IamBenT]

interesting battle.

Tyson - i second Zen in saying that some punctuation would be very helpful. In some parts it seems like this verse don't even rhyme. I like how you describe being blind and turn what seems to be a negative into a positive. I do however question some of your word choices as it came off rather awkward and interrupted the understanding and cohesion of the piece for me.

I'm infacturated by spoken words and the whispers...trances the heart
Each syllable grasps a literal nerve twiching with anticipation at its pivotal

im not sure if "infacturated" is a word.. in any case I didn't like this at all, where the heck is the rhyme for heart?? maybe Im just not seeing it or im just out of tune i guess.

Patrown - wow, hard hitter that I read twice to really get the full picture. You use really lovely metaphors here, and such strident imagery that I can't help but be impressed with how much you did in such few lines. very poetic, left me with a gasp, and i was looking for something i didnt like to quote and I honestly can't think of anything except maybe the donut line but even that was such a nice picture of the lovers there sharing a small morsel of food. the "fine, die" is just so cold and final, its really a sad and well-written piece.

Vote-Patrown I liked Tyson's twist on the topic but speaking is definitely powerful in Patrown's piece.

[Inno]

pat.

this was an interesting read man..you have a very easy style to your writing lol..atleast with this one the flow and progession
are just flawless. this had such a dope poetic tone to it..it read like a spoken word piece..not like at a poetry slam lol where its loud
and shit..what im trying to say is i felt like some one was reading it aloud to me lol..good vibes man..as far as the story goes felt like
it jumped a little to fast for me. you left me with alot of questions..


tyson

tthe concept you brought to the table was dope man straight off the bat with that one lol.. i mean i thought it was cool how
you used sight to personify your overal goal for your story...great word chouce man i thought it was the highlight.. it was just
nicely put together and you managed to carry the cconcept to the end. scheme stumbled a bit...that line bent qouted and the
after that are a bit choppy and really hurt the flow...


overall

i think ama go with TYSON on this one i thought his conept was dope as fuck and though he stumbled a bit i thought he managed to do justice to
that dope ass concept..pat wrote some ill shit as well i just felt lie TYSON developed his story a bit better as well as bringing a better angle to the
topic. T

[Ink]

EFF!!!! i voted on this and it got deleted! ugh damnit.... i'll edit this with my vote again... sigh

[Juxtaposition]

Tyson -

Good idea to approach to topic with this angle. I saw 'listening' and was completely surprised when I started reading. Maybe that says more about me lol.

"descriptions fill the void textures feel the forge hearing the blacksmith chill the sword"
YES. I'm digging the direction of this piece so far.

"Rhythm fast when lies are a mist detected my ears are detective"
I like the rhymes, the description, the word choices.

"Vanity for upholstery and outer beauty creates insanity and adultery" WORD

"Eyes can be deceived but my ears can never be coerced"

Don't agree with you there, every sense can be manipulated, but you drove your point home with exquisite descriptions. I also thought it was a good move to make the character a former boxer. It just adds more to the human spirit element. Makes what came before it more savory.

You had some spelling issues but nothing to major, I think you have a good style, it's tight and has impact and not ordinary or forced. You could have more interesting rhyme sets though, and also your narration is a little bit distant, just for minor tweaks. Meaning, there was a chance for even more connection to the character, or maybe even a stronger way you could have portrayed being blind and mute.

Although I think you did well with making listening vital to existence.

PAT-

Wooo...

I think the first three lines were a bit off, especially the greasy curtains part, but everything else man I wouldn't change.

This is economy of words to the fullest.

This is a haikuesque. This is an Aesop Fable.

You went deep without feeling like you skipped anything. I don't even feel like you used emotion to try and steal credibility.

Respect man. Well done.

Vote - PAT

[Just Write]

TYSON,

Man i'll be honest I've had some free time to look at some closed battles and i have to say this was not up to standards. I know you said you were experimenting but im just being honest. I'm a stickler for flow and PERSONALLY, i couldn't catch it man.. content was I thought there were some thought provoking points and really thought out idea. You definitely nailed the topic. These were some of my favorite lines.

The life of no sight is dark but I'm never alone
Flys buzz outside the minds crutch I hear the beauty in tones
Words become home for they paint pictures of the unknown


Sonar tapping into clues blind but my attention knows no equal
The sudden pounds of the drum rumbles the soul in retrospect of my heartbeat
Rhythm fast when lies are a mist detected my ears are detective
See thru the farse of my disability meaning I'm deformed and decripete


My counterpart speaks the days past she confides in me
Leaking her soul and I soak it up drenched when she crys on me
Ears always open and mouth sealed taking lessons that u usually wouldn't hear
The stutters from the penmenship of a boxer brings tears to my eyes
For it reveals the pain that killed his brain to achieve the meals to sustain
I hear crickets to determine night, bird's to determine morning...years hold no fear
Time humbles the normal perception of self through what the mirror appears


Patrown,

I really enjoyed this man, the flow, the word choice, content wise it was powerful. About 3/4 of the way in I was like "WTF does this have to do with the topic?!?!" but you had that Really powerful last line that brought it all together. the only complaint I do have is the fact that you used the word "Doughnut " in such a prestigious presence of vocabulary. it just stuck out like a sore thumb in my opinion.

my favorites


Blink if you’re to weep so each eye can shed its burden
Making room for newer tears, cleansing fear from greasy curtains
There’s only sorrow in the truth if it emerges against your will
Dimensions reverse in seconds once tragedy’s revealed


but would go nuts if I didn’t answer a call
even if I’d respond by texting a picture of my wall
I was never home, or alone in her mind’s eye
One day she threatened suicide, I said “fine, die”

When the mirrored glass breaks, I’ll pick up a jagged piece
Cut both wrists and write four words, “think before you speak.”


ok i went back and read both verses and started to enjoy your piece a little more tyson, and i respect you trying something new. i'm always trying to delve into different spectrum's of my writing zone. in the end I'm going to go with the piece I enjoyed the most and thats Patrown good battle guys. now I'm gunna roll a blunt then hit the rest of these pieces up.

[Red glare]

Tyson; Bruh Man what's happenin' - Your verse floated like a butter fly but didn't sting like a bee. The flow was there; poetically; but rapping wise I was disenchanted. Don't be disillusioned, rhyme schemes are mega important. I applaud your expansion as a writer. Continue to grow but don't let the public see your blunders. Keep it together, after all, you are in public. Spoken word or a blurb. I dunno.

Patrown; I got my drinkandmy 2 step. my drink and my 2 step. haha. this was a dope verse man. Probably the best work I've seen youput forth. Had some quotables. And not the pity quotables we sometimes choose to make our votes appear more thoughtful. No you had some real quotes.

persuaded her to share the missing piece of doughnut
but would go nuts if I didn’t answer a call
even if I’d respond by texting a picture of my wall
I was never home, or alone in her mind’s eye
One day she threatened suicide, I said “fine, die”

I looked April’s picture in the eyes asking, “will it ever change?”
Tears welled up in oval windows shaking in their frames
When the mirrored glass breaks, I’ll pick up a jagged piece
Cut both wrists and write four words, “think before you speak.”

V/ Patrown

[Objective]

Tyson: Dope piece, kinda hard to follow your rhymescheme at times. Every now and then it seems a bit off, while other times it's kinda unique. Almost like a poem of some sort. If this was a poem it would have been cool with a bit of ''toughness'' to it for a poetry piece. Either way, I can't really get into the ''poetry-mood'' in a tournament like this so I got kinda thrown off by it. Overall it's a decent verse though, the shit you say make sense and I liked what you were saying. It just seemed... right to me somehow. Probably the my favourite verse from you yet. Keep it up.

Patrown: Short and cool. To the point with a whole bunch of lemons and bitterness to it. A fine message, but kinda ''bland''. Perhaps it's a common thing we all know but care too little about? Perhaps the message was stronger than I first anticipated as I look upon it as common sense and my brain is doing tricks on me.. Either way, I enjoyed the mechanics and the flow of your verse was dope and easy to follow. I like that. Kinda predictable how it turned out but I don't know if it could have ended a better way.

Vote: Hard to pick a winner here. Patrown got the mechanics and a decent story, Tyson got the poetry-ish going on and some stuff to his lines that makes me think a little bit. Both executed the topic given to them well and was on point.

After reading both verses again I enjoyed Tysons verse better actually. My vote goes to Tyson.. DOPE battle.

[King Ra.]

I liked both pieces here. Tyson, glad you are back at it. Very solid read, though, like others have mentioned, punctuation would have been a plus because your lines did just carry on & on. Nonetheless, the content was nice. I like the direction you went with the topic & it definitely blended well with the sort of poetic feel thrown in there. I definitely listened. Speaking of which, patrown, very short piece but I was definitely captivated by your writing. The "fine, die" line & the little suicide ending had me leaning, so you were able to really wrap me in with the way your presented your side of the topic. Now, the knock I have though is the fact that I wish you wrote a bit more. Tyson's piece has more depth & flexibility, filled with much content, but the lack of that in your verse I feel hurts you here. Great piece of work, just needed a bit more IMO.

MVGT: TYSON.

[King Ra.]

4-4!!! I NEED AT LEAST A TIEBREAKER VOTE!!!

[Split]

Tyson. cool angle, not what I'd expect for the topic. some really self-contained rhymes, relying really hard on syllables. the content was really fresh and I definitely took a step in your characters world. I feel like some punctuation and some editing n terms of rhyme placement woulda made this short bout with sensory deprivation a lot doper, stuttered more than it should for a short piece. Descriptions were on point and made relating to ur story easy.

Patrown. Mad short as well. I didnt like your metaphors, the doughnut one could've been swapped for something more powerful really easy. T rhyming was a lot better than Tyson's. idk what was going on in terms of plot, some cool constructions you had like the tragedy backwards time bit, that to really have an impact needed to be shown to be examined and would've felt more at place in a longer verse. Hit all the right points, just gotta expound, make them grow into something

V/TYSON. Both cool pieces but given the length, I found it easy to vote for TYSON because his opened and closed so smoothly and had me satisfied with what I walked away with

[King Ra.]

TYSON WINS, 5-4.