the S.P.L.I.T. system

[Split]

post your username acronym poon slaying system ITT

SEPARATE
after picking a target, isolate her from the pack. use whatever means necessary. this includes asking her to help you find your phone which you dropped next to the fridge, engaging her in light-hearted religious debate, force-feeding her blunts, swapping her friend's beverage with a glass of antifreeze, or even using your miniscule thumbs to hand-spin a medical-grade spidersilk steel booby trap.

PACIFY
using lies and deception, convince her you are genuinely interested in her two dimensional personality that almost entirely consists of stories that her more interesting friends told her about, once. laugh when she pauses to catch breath from spewing bullshit about shenanigans at her dead end job at the campus bookstore

LIST ACCOMPS
Tell her how many times you champed the NBL. Show her the HOF tattoo you preemptively got on your left asscheek. Tell her you can read braille and her breasts read "A". Tell her you can't read braille but champing the Table Ladder Chair Keystyle 2003 felt like bags of sand without leading into a lengthy discussion of Steve Carrell's drama roles


INSEMINATE

TERMINATE

After failing miserably, getting tagged out tying to steal second base, and subsequently purchasing fourteen minutes of whatever-goes-no-ass-stuff with Dominique-make sure that you dump her lifeless body in a lonely and unfrequented location.. such as the Premium Member lounge for Karaoke's Madison, WI Eddie Bauer Sponsored Hemming Studio or anything with a USPS logo on it.