WEEK SIX CHAMP MATCH: EVICTION (4-0) vs DOMINATE (5-0) vs ADVERSE (2-1) DOM WINS

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK SIX, HALFWAY POINT
@Eviction @DominYs

Verse Due: FRIDAY MAY 6TH @ 11:59PM EST

Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

This week’s topics are keywords selected from a randomized generator.

Topic:
PROVINCIAL (provided by NYC)



GOOD LUCK

[Adverse]

I grimace as you slide the sharp edge across my skin again...

Still unsure if this is punishment or purpose
The ink pen cries and pleads as he’s plunged beneath the surface
Choking and filling up his lungs with each submergence
I try keepin him encouraged with halfhearted reassurances
Telling him one day all this work will be worth it
Not sure if I’m trying to convince myself or him..

My inception was far from painless, from the binding of my spine
To the tattooing of my skin, I was conceived of violence every time
Sometimes I ponder if it was right, forcing me to exist
Forging me from nothingness, I was pulled from the abyss
Im such an open book, always telling all of my secrets
While you leave me on the shelf, disregarded till I’m needed
Wait wait...perhaps I’m reading way too much into this
You want me to be around, but only hold me when it’s convenient?
Either love me or loathe me , I’m tired of being in between with it
Oh what beautiful irony it’d be for me to end up being meaningless


Much more than a mortal but less than a god
An unglorified celebrity
Deserving a little more respect
The authority on what has been and what will ever be
Sent to preach to the neanderthal and mental giants all alike
Hopefully you heed my lessons, lessen your provincial state of mind
You’ve all undoubtedly come to me with questions, never to be denied the truth
Feel free to pick my brain apart a million times, whatever it takes to enlighten you


So when you mention “provincial”
I had to read between the lines deep inside myself
Find what words I could possibly say to try and define it well
Wonder what it meant to me, listened closely to what my heart could tell
That’s when I started to think of everything I was...
The refuge for those who speak their mind and might need help

The Dictionary

[Eviction]

a briefcase full of resumes, idle hopes, and that lingering self-doubt.
a focus tighter than rifle scopes, laughter turned into a death growl.
afterburn of a meltdown I went twelve rounds with this hellhound.
My eyes are bent from stress clouds, as I sit here and vent to these sellouts.
This is a small-town holler, I don’t even live near a guesthouse.
There’s no one to impress, we just got to get passed the next drought.
Chasing the big city lights when the business type will twist the knife,
After they stab you in the back, this 9-5 hustle is my kryptonite; dim the lights,
When I get home because this migraine is the death of me if it’s lit too bright.
These stay-at-home lifers will never get it right but my advice is to let it liquidize,
Soak it in because you will never win this fight against the vicious lies.


Is it worth it,

To come back home in hot water, because I forgot to kiss my wife goodnight?

Is it worth it…

I can put food on the table so we don’t have to eat bologna 5 days straight,
Without the bread because of this worthless job, and I got paid late…
Landlord nagging, threatening to evict, repercussions if we don’t vacate.
I want to quit this minimum wage job, & vandalize the office with spray paint.
That’s why I've been on my A GAME, these big city lights will be my mainstay,
It’s cool if the landlord still nagging, now I got my own office with a nameplate.

what to expect; you have to kill yourself when debt is up to your neck.
Every late notice is a punch to your chest or bludgeoned to death.
It comes to an end on school nights after your kids are tucked up in bed.
Your wife starts nagging again, like black chyna, and puts a gun to your head.
I still provide for my family even if my wife prays for my demise under her breath.

I thought my experiences would put me a cut above the rest…

And that promotion would stop the bloodshed when we’re under duress…

My wife would give me the utmost respect, and I wouldn’t be in the dog house because of something I said.

I dealt with slumlords, nagging wives, and shady bosses, I have a few of these Russian roulettes under my belt.

That’s why I’m the perfect man for the job, I’m someone who’s neurotic.
I’m not some village idiot restricted by the rustic furniture and their shoe polish,
I have to get passed their narrow-minded views so I can show off the new wallet.
“You don’t deserve to be here, your roots are too bucolic, so who profits?
You want a dude who’s not this, rude and obnoxious, that zooms through topics,
That rises above the bottomless pit, and doesn’t complain about a few losses”
It’s this skewed logic, that I refuse to stay stuck in that insubstantial position.
It’s why I always send bottles of Dom Pérignon to your office so we’re not in collision.
Edible arrangements shipped, but don’t you think that’s kind of suspicious?
I could have poisoned your berries so I take your spot after you reach oblivion.
I call it staying persistent, they call it kissing ass, and I have been a participant,
I’ll become something I hated, and this is how I will treat my assistant.
Disfigurement is behind my success, so firing employees is like an acid trip.
I would never snap to grids, so there’s not a failure story that I haven’t lived.

Maybe I’m full of shit…

Like the edible arrangements they sent to my office, were laced with laxatives.
When I was an employee I avoided the fight, I’m not that same pacifist.
I’m not the same corn-fed bastard, and now I have a new wife; plastic tits.

I became cold and heartless, I thought it was happiness…

Calling me provincial is sacrilege, if there was no purpose then why leave?
The holler was the stomping grounds I saw the bright lights in my dream,
I knew I wasn’t in my league; the city life just made my insides bleed.
I didn’t fit the mold. I wasn't in time with their inline theme.
Whatever their reason was to describe me like I was a hospice patient with an empty IV
Was it worth it? it was all for this one-room apartment provided by NYC,
You tell me would it be worth it to you? every party is a pricey invitation.
Is that new barbie wife your dream girl or a nightly infiltration?
If you stayed separated from the minutes wasted, bloodshot eyes are the likely indication,
That you weren't meant for this high-class life, now you're in a dicey situation

[Dominate]

I made my way down cobblestone streets at dawn, bow in hand
The cold and damp of night yielding to the morning sun’s slow advance
Peaking over thatched roofs and stretching beyond to the whole expanse
of the surrounding wooded hillside, dappled green and gold and tan.
I walked briskly towards it, boarskin quiver slung across my shoulder
Hopping fallen trees as I went and scrambling up moss lined boulders
My thoughts quite bolstered - I saw in the mud a cloven impression
Deer print. Potently fresh and heading upwind in a loping procession
I crept past the oaks and the chestnut trees. Feeling focussed, expectant
Assured, but under no misconception, - one faux pas and the moment was ended
I spied the velvety crown of the stag and closed in to close its existence
Waiting for the right moment, I drew - held the bow string in tension
The beast turned, exposing its chest. I saw my chance as it froze for a second
I smiled sadly, mouthed au revoir… and slowly lowered the weapon.
It would have been too easy. Unbecoming of my skill and my talent
Truthfully, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt the thrill of a challenge
I thought myself chivalrous, gallant. My walls were adorned with antlers
All I really hunted for now was the solace of the forest’s grandeur
I followed the river home, observing how its course meandered
Contemplating my own path and, as always, landing short of answers.
I kept my burdens buried below a veneer of boorish banter
All the village saw was the image of the hardened ex war commander
A hero. Adored and pampered. Surrounded by obsequious yes men
Too meek to breathe their dissentions - I was never disagreed with or questioned
You see how conceitedness sets in… but my status came at a cost
My identity and agency lost in desperation to maintain the facade
I hid my insecurities beneath a towering mass of muscle
Drifting without purpose through this town and its vapid bustle
That was, until the day that a stagecoach pulled into view
And the love of my life stepped out in her tunic of cerulean blue
A delicate face framed by tousled tresses, brunette in hue
With deep and dazzling eyes. I bet her name was Beautiful too…
Now, I’d been with a floozy or two. They were easy game if I’m honest
With my station and frame like Adonis I’d had any dame that I’d wanted
But it was clear as soon as I saw her she wasn’t some everyday broad
She was gorgeous, no question she was. But something more.. a je ne sais quoi
And when I heard her singing… well, of course I was hypnotised
She sang of wanting - more than a simple life, in that haunting chorus she improvised
I sauntered across the square to woo this magnificent creature
Brandishing a smile and a bouquet of hibiscus to greet her
I oozed my usual charm that left women a-quiver and eager
So imagine then my shock at her cool and indifferent demeanor…
Between agitation and elation, I smiled a wolfish grin as I teetered
Knowing this challenge to win her would only make the victory sweeter
Weeks passed. My passions didn’t. I stayed transfixed in her features
Burning for her… a sickness… I was held in the grip of its fever
So when she fell for another, I felt anger throb in my veins
And the fog of my rage grew thicker when I learned of his monsterous ways
I’d wanted to capture her, yes… but he had literally locked her away
And she now claimed to love him?! An obvious case of Stockholm’s at play..
I couldn’t abide this. I rallied some sidekicks, forceful with discourse
A quick march through the forest and we arrived with torches and pitchforks
I kicked the doors in, storming on inwards, straight up the flights of stairs
Up to the snowcapped rooftop… he was ready to fight me there
I drew my dagger against this animal. He snarled through crooked teeth
I leapt in determined - tomorrow was something he wouldn’t see
But in my haste, I slipped. Tumbled from the roof, mortally undignified
And as I fell to my death, in my head I heard her warbling a single line
Heard echoes of that siren’s song, that chorus that she’d improvised…
Heard Belle as she sang it - there must be more than this provincial life

Then I heard no more.

- Gaston

[Adonis]

Dom - First off, keep my name out your mouth, we aint cool like that lol. Started off slow because I think that first bar could have been worded better for flows sake, but, it's a nice set up in scenery. Then you did the "Green and gold and tan" through me off as well, just too many ands really. I liked "Closed in to close it's existence" however, and actually the imagery in the finding of the deer was actually really really nice. Safe to say this is where you started gaining steam. "Solace of the forests Grandeur" is a nice touch and helped really paint an emotion almost for Gaston. It sort of played to his concededness if you will, but also built up the character on the first read. So I enjoyed the read as far as the writing itself goes, you even painted Gaston nicely, almost like an Anti-Hero knowing who he is, but you made him seem like a good guy of sorts early on. From him second guessing or thinking exestenatially on things, pondering life. I mean, in my head I dont envision the evil people doing this you know? In any case, as far as the actual story, it was cool in a sense, but also stale in another sense because it just wasn't new. You had an outline of a story previously written, which I have actually done before and fell flat writing of the Illiad here. So while the writing itselt was really good, and even the story telling, at some point after that first read it began losing luster quite quickly. But, again, nothing to truly complain about in terms of actualy writing abilities.

Eviction - A straight to story to me of a guy struggling to survive, then climbs his way up the corporate ladder to remedy all the reasons he was not happy, only to find, he is still not happy. Can't say this is a fresh concept as It's been plenty of times, but, from the top layer I actually think you are talking about yourself in terms of this league. Now I could be wishfully thinking and completely missing the mark, but, I'll assume I'm correct. In any case, the story was cool, but sort of dragged on. Nothing really set this aside from the others done like this, there was no flip on the story line or eye popping concept. In the end, it just read as a face value read with some underlying meaning, but never truly captivated my full attention on a level in which forced me to delve deep into the line by line meaning. I read it twice, and each time I sort of started and ended, didn't trule hate or truly love any one thing about it. Sorry if that comes out mean, but I was told last week by another competitor to be more honest and help us all improve, so I will say I think some of the lines just missed the mark. Example: "Like the edible arrangements they sent to my office, were laced with laxatives." Either the coma is not needed or the sentence just seems off to me, as if it's missing some words. Now this is a small detail, however this is a champ match, and that could be the difference in the crown or not. IDK, it's not that I didn't like the read, because it was cool, just not what I would expect from a champ match.

Adverse - So that first stanza I kind of get the vibe of youre writing about yourself trying to write? You spoke of pens and ink and tattoos, so I could be far off of course, but thats how I took it. Then you switched into actually talking from the dictionaries perspective, which to me is a hell of a fresh idea. I think you could have expanded on that concept alone and fleshed something out, but alas, this verse read as a bit underwhelming, as if you were not inspired to go full force. This was a fun read simply because the concept is a fresh take to me. The actual reading or storytelling was cool, definetaly you executed concept, but if I'm being honest, IMO I just think it fell a bit flat. it's not a bad read to say the least, but as I said to eviction, in a champ match I just expected more and thus, vote as such, with higher expectations and felt they just weren't met here. I will say I just read it a third time, and I didn't pick up on the fact that the first two stanzas you are in fact the book being made via ink being scribed and binding of the spine etc. So, this leaves me with enjoying the concept a hell of a lot more to be honest.

Vote - Of the three two I enjoyed much more, so I will talk about them here. Dom had a narrative that was clean and to the point. Very descrptive with concise flow rittled throughout. Meanwhile Adverse had a concept piece that still had narrative traits, but was far more concept driven than anything. He had less in terms of mechanics, however the writing itself came off very clean in reading it, no hiccups and no "try hard" rhymes, just straight laced and to the point, doing it's job completely. While I loved his concept and it's execution, I felt he couldve spiced it up a notch utilizing IDK, alliteraltion sprinkled in, or multis galore every so often. On the other hand, while I loved all the flair in Doms from the scenery to the hunting to the character build up, I just felt his story lacked for the simple reason he did not create it, just sort of built upon the already laid foundation. So this is a very difficult vote for me as I do honestly have you rather even in my head. So, i'm gonna have to go with my gut.

v/ Adverse

When all is said and done, the concept alone is what will last the longest in my mind. Meaning, I don't think I'll remember a story about Belle and Gaston in a few months, but I can guarantee while writing in the future I will some how think of something similar to what Adverse did here, and have to scrap that idea because it was his first. Great battle, ALL THREE OF YOU. I don't want to take away anything from Eviction as you did your thing as well bro. Cheers!!

[Candy]

adverse:

loved this couplet:
Wait wait...perhaps I’m reading way too much into this
You want me to be around, but only hold me when it’s convenient?

great use of topic, i dont know if you needed to reinforce it but it hit hard none the less.. and the revelation of what you are after such a deep and emotional writers voice "the dictionary" really hit home son.. ish was dope structure wise - yeah all in all top piece..

eviction:

loved these bars:
I have to get passed their narrow-minded views so I can show off the new wallet.
“You don’t deserve to be here, your roots are too bucolic, so who profits?
You want a dude who’s not this, rude and obnoxious, that zooms through topics,
That rises above the bottomless pit, and doesn’t complain about a few losses”

the personal factor was right up there and it was street smart but as a whole on delivery was a bit immature then the last stanza your brought it home from being like an age 4/7 to 7/8 which is a pass in my books.. i loved the dilemma of you or your characters main voice "provincial is sacrilege" hit hard from this point may have even swung you the win i dont know yet lets see.. gl dope

dominate:

very pretty dude, the colours used were so touching and moving with the subtle soft powdery relations and it went on for bar to bar and i think if you had a little more of that even though you top knotched it it would have really shoned this piece to where it wouldnt even be considered a close match hehe.. but anyways structure wise cool ending dope.. general development and story delivery all top knotch.. ill give it a 7/10.. piece..

vote = dominance

it was a pretty cool champ match worth the wait and worth the title.. dom just pulled it out with is pretty colours.. all in all dope xoxo gl guys

i can taste it

[Mike Wrecka]

Read all three liked Adverses verse the best. Used some not so obvious rhymes which was cool and a couple of line didn’t even rhyme at all but it all worked. And Adverse had a bunch of quotable phrases that were quite profound.

Good showing from the other two. Enjoyed all three and have never read anything from any of them. Props

Vote - Adverse

[Master Rock]

Man so much great writing in one spot. I mean every single verse was engaging in its own way. Eviction had a verse that felt strong and angry but yet engaging and really took on the feelings of the character throughout. Damn on the other hand painted vast picture that placed you in the setting and made you feel as though you were there every step of the way to the end. It was interesting how it started to do a plot twist and I started to figure out that it was Gaston. Before I even knew that it was Gaston. Which was interesting. Adverse on the other hand had a quite artistically poetic vocab intensive abstract metaphorical delightful averse nd and mad quotables that took my breath away at certain parts. If I could give this an order I will go adverse first, second would be Dom, and eviction will be third. Honestly all the writing was top notch here and a great show out from all of you I'm highly impressed. I'm going to give it to adverse.

[Frank]

Difficult word/topic to work with/interpret. I looked it up and I found it almost as uninspirational as any word could be. It's a word without much going for it, other than being derogatory. Other than my obvious gripes with the topic/word, I thought the contestants did do their best, despite the lackluster topic subjection.
I judge all battles based on connection to the topic/picture/word/phrase/etc. If the writing is superior, but lacks that profound connection to the topic, it diminishes overall and becomes less refutable for me/to me. With such an inflexible topic, it was difficult for the reader to pick up on each writers connection to the topic. I think the best bet would've been an obvious approach, such as describing two sides of a town and threading your storyline through that junction.
I noticed all three writers questioning the topic, and even going out of there way to put it in quotation marks (and even calling out the topic/word provider by name.) It was a challenging word/topic, to say the least, especially for a championship battle. It would be interesting for the mods to do a follow up to get more insight behind the topic selection.
Two of the contestants had qualms with it and it showed up awkwardly in there presentations. While two of the writers wrote with out any real direction/inspiration/comprehension, I thought one of the writers made the topic, somewhat, work for them. Even if the ending was kind of shoe horned in, I thought Dominates use of language was more closely associated and tied in with the elitist terminology.

[NYCSPITZ]

Cool battle here fellas -

I liked adverse’s flip on the perspective of a dictionary, it was cool for what it was I guess, but tbh I was hoping for a verse based on “provincial”. Maybe a battle between david and goliath, like a provincial town standing up to a larger one, or a character analysis on the provincialism of some country bumpkin who ascends to another level, or does some cool shit despite his country-ness. It’s not really too hard to google it if you’re not familiar and find permutations of the word used in blogs, stories, novels etc. So, for adverse despite the cool flip and verse I thought the connection to topic was not really there, almost a throaway verse you could’ve used with any word you weren’t familiar with.

For eviction I liked the verse and reference to myself (touche, brah), decent verse. Cool in places, even. My issue was even in the sections you quoted, the verse read the same way, like observation after observation which starts to sound like you’re droning on and on after 10-20 lines max. You gotta convey information through action, thoughts, implication, nuance. Need to mix it up a bit more and add some flair a la deadman or someone like that, vulgar, certain…read up on a few legends and see which resonates and try adding a few of their elements to your verses, I think it will take you to another level. You have potential to ascend and be a problem after that imo

Liked dom’s verse the best, at least the town with the hunter guy and the hoe he seduces is like, provincial or whatever. Last line of her singing the line was cool, tied in the topic better than the others. Aside from that the command of language, imagery, pacing, grammar, most aspects of topicals were clearly a step above the other two in dom’s verse. Some dope lines like je ne sais quois and cereulean blue leading us to nostalgic reveries of crayons from our elementary days. Cool story and a nice departure from all the endless narration (though I enjoyed parts of it) from the other two. I want to read a slick narration with fireworks and display of depth/mechanics/flow/slant rhymes/philosophy/religion/metaphysics/life etc. if it’s gonna be a non-story verse. I don’t wanna be reading topicals and feel like I’m watching the discovery channel narrate about the serengetti.

For the above reasons I am gonna have to go with dominate. Cool battle and best of luck in the season my fellow manpoem brothers.

[Objective]

Adverse: A bit of a deeper take on the word. I like the direction you went with this, the piece got a melancholic atmosphere and read beautifully to me. "Oh what a beautiful irony it'd be for me to end up being meaningless" was nice. It all boiling down to struggling to find the words you want to express is relatable as well and closing the piece with "The Dictionary" was a dope way of going about it. Good stuff, easily a favorite among your most recent pieces. I could have written more about it but don't really think there's much more to add, it's clean and I enjoyed the read from start to finish.

Eviction: A more literal story is refreshing after Adverse's more cerebral piece although yours is as dark as it gets. The grind of 9-5 struggles and depressing situations with landlords and financial stress is done well sprinkled in with hope of a better position in life. Not to mention how all of this ends up seeping in to other facets of life like your relationship with your partner and kids, not to mention yourself. It's well portrayed in these lines as well:

I call it staying persistent, they call it kissing ass, and I have been a participant,
I’ll become something I hated, and this is how I will treat my assistant.

I also like the transitions from participant/disfigurement, and rhymescheme patterns while keeping a coherent story in this modern times depression era while. I like the character you made here, self aware and reflecting on their path doing the best they can while slowly falling deeper into the abyss and losing themselves in the process.

I became cold and heartless, I thought it was happiness…
^Good stuff to highlight this as a stand alone sentence to underline the desperation and realization of what he's become.

Last stanza ties the topic together perfectly with the story written. I like the concept of busy business life triyng to make it in the city vs a less rat race kind of life out in the country making enough to get by but living a happy life as a result and portraying it as different states to live in, a lot of people make this mistake. Especially while young and then get hooked into it.

This was fucking great and may be my fav piece so far in this league. Thought the story written and desperation of being stuck in a high level rat race was really well executed.

Dominate: The first 4 lines here is beautifully written imo. Great way to set the scene. Great visuals as I keep reading, too. I kept reading all the way to the end, and the way you captured the hunt for the beast and needing something more out of life. Not easy but earned, not given for nothing but deserved and then the emotion of not being given it when it was time corrupting him. Or maybe it was the longing for a hunt all along regardless of what? Love, prey or enemy doesn't seem to matter as long as the fight for something more is present.

The ending was great and set a tone of its own as she sing the song of a provinicial life. Not sure if I dug the rallying of sidekicks as it kind of breaks character to me in a way. That said, that's extreme nitpicking and your story written is excellent. Definitely the best I've read from you yet imo and it's an improvement from what I've read from you earlier.

Vote: Got to say that I kinda wish I didn't have to vote on this cus all 3 pieces are great in their own rights. Different abstractions, concepts and styles of writing that all serves its purpose for the pieces written.

Dominate's visuals, pace of story and writing held tons of emotion and narrated their mindstate well throughout. Descriptions were on point and painted vivid images along with the story. For this he ends up snatching my vote.

My vote goes to Dominate.

This was the Battle of the League so far for me. Pure dopeness from all 3.