WEEK FIVE: CANDY 1-3 VS OBJECTIVE 1-2 OBJECTIVE WINS

[Adverse]

AOWL Season IX


Verse Due: SUNDAY DECEMBER 27TH, 11:59PM EST TIME


Line min: 10

Max: 50


Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451[/b]

Topic:

[Candy]

chicken feed

[Objective]

Yes

[Candy]

[Objective]

You're not good enough to act like this yet

[Candy]

The Outline Of Hop Out
..

..

To trace the footprints of before
In a body torn with remorse
Worn in a particular way
Hung in madness and strung enslaved
My joints they bubble, crack and split
Spitting up inflict down to wit
The birds I feed with free of hand
Dance with dimes that bleed out this land
I forget more then I remember
It's the 25th of December
A black rainbow of xmas stained
With crimson rivers of remains
Dead bodies before their birth baked
In their own save face they shake cage
Escaping no where other then summer
The titles of their house humming
I sit on the bench of the dead
Feed the vultures with coins in eyes left
The pecking order organized
By the breeze of foreign lies bright
With golden tongues past silver style
A serpents certain sure wild fire
They feast for a turkey jerk served
Each bite struck of a parched mouth worked
The money supplied the house fire burnt
Down to ashes for phoenix thirst
They set ablaze ahead of a tale
Untold mail order brides on sale
Without chariots like chains dismissed
They fly for the flew in one hiss
Beyond the coco's nest of my hand
When they realize I was the last land
In between time and homes of bred bars
Perimeters set from the grass seed stars
Past the arrest's of raw roughness
Of war in flight through sore hunches
Or away they have flown by hem
The stencil of them shakes in its stench
Wore then the house prior still sound
Bound losses with unwell of round
Maybe their shape is haunting but free
Of the wood and brick that rots steam
One day it will blow them to shape
Of matter that gave them life not rage
But for now sickness plagues remake
And until they leave I'll sit and wait
Up until the grounds are pure greed
With clean air to leave this pride beseeched
To taste candy coins for myself
The smell just doesnt do it as health
I dont know how many have been thrown now
But this landfill's turned to death row
Mortal as I hope these beast are flocked
Feathered fanned all the way to fucked
The eyes of the faces on coins plucked
I know who's next sat hand out of duck
Swinging my legs worth the time shared
Because a guest is a guest through fear
Where there is none just time bearing all
My question is will I be this fall

The End
..

[Objective]

Daisy's pension connected family ties,
they can't wait for the day that she finally dies.
Her investments contested by the loneliest fight,
"Just a few years till I'm dead",
she don't question the why's.

Raised kids alone on blueberry pies while inside she's hiding clues to her cries,
lemonade lies in the guise of being brutally kind at home.
Now their smiles whispering hints of the useless and blind,
with her coins in exchange to not pay any mind.

Aches breaks her apart, shakes takes laughs from her heart,
sons souls plastered in tar, mastered the art of taking advantage
and manage it smart, their anthem is savage in bars,
in tune to what the darkest parts of humanity are.

When she wrote her will she invoked the thrill of being half-open still,
till relatives took her in along with her daughter, Jill,
that hugs' the energy from a broken water mill.
Daisy's lawyer is annoying but avoiding feuds,
plus he spoke the truth,
they signed what he supplied, amused.
If he winks, he's got an eye for you ;)

When her death came through the rest was beautiful,
what both angels and devils play their music to.
You see, relatives didn't read her lawyers contract closely,
they mostly wanted to impress her, and her money monthly.
Imagine their surprise when the cash they've taken lately,
equals to loans now turned debt to charity, mainly
done for their vanity's bravery.
She knew it could be covered by their salary (barely)

She donated half her share to the state she lived,
an excuse for having raised these shits
to grow into joy destroyers,
and the source for her hate.
A way of calling it quits was giving the rest to nurses, a certain lawyer, the maid,
most loyal doctors and some art galery.
Her family? Well, it's not a tragedy
she only gave 10 dollars to each of these fuckers,
they should have known tough love isn't for suckers.

[Universe]

Candy:

Cool take here. I felt you sort of settled your mind on a different level for this one - more cogent and coherent, for you lol. Had some cool lines in there but they always seemed to be littered with spelling errors or just janky wording. But I liked this:

"Beyond the coco's (cuckoo's?) nest of my hand
When they realize I was the last land
In between time and homes of bred bars
Perimeters set from the grass seed stars"

You can be descriptive when you want to be, and although this was a difficult topic, I felt you did well with it overall. I loved the effort put in here.

Good work.


Objective:

This is a different take. Started out strong but I felt the middle section sort of had some forced rhymes that didn't really read very well, and quite frankly, didn't really rhyme...(closely/monthly - bravery/salary)

I really liked this section though:

"Now their smiles whispering hints of the useless and blind,
with her coins in exchange to not pay any mind."

and...

"Aches breaks her apart, shakes takes laughs from her heart,
sons souls plastered in tar, mastered the art of taking advantage
and manage it smart, their anthem is savage in bars,
in tune to what the darkest parts of humanity are."

Damn. I think if the whole thing was written like this it would've been an impressive piece and an easy win for you. But I just didn't like where it went after that story-wise (the inheritance angle to me was meh) and technically it fell down a level or two as well. Still, even with all this... it's very close. Your high's were well beyond Candy's...

I think Candy was more consistent but never reached the peaks that Objective did. Candy stayed on topic but had a lot of spelling and wording issues. Some lines were just incoherent and hard to decipher. Objective sort of took this in a weird direction but he had some highlights that shone through the muck... I'm going to reward the verse that had the most potential, I think. Going Objective in a razor close decision.

Vote - Objective

[Adverse]

Candy this was your best verse of the season thus far easily, loved the way you weaved through the story and how you put yourself into this old woman’s shoes. My only complaint is like yeah Uni said about janky wording but I feel like sometimes you have TOO much to say? Like you overstuff your bars with all these metaphors and descriptions I think you get lost inside of all the things you have to say when you should really be focusing on telling your story at your own pace. Don’t be afraid to slow down and flesh some ideas out for longer than a line apiece. You have awesome ideas don’t be afraid to linger on them sometimes. Really respect how far you’ve come this far.

Objective I really enjoyed your piece this week I think you’re finally finding your stride as a writer whereas before I would put you in the same category as I just did Candy and say you were overfilling your bars. I think you took your time telling your story and I liked the conclusion, it was poetic and ironic. The vultures were paying for all the times they took advantage of the poor woman. Though I see what Universe is saying with the stuff that doesn’t rhyme completely I am more merciful on overlooking it because I care more about how you portrayed the topic and I think you did that in an excellent way

You both are improving and going to be in the conversation for a most improved honor at the end of this season, you’re both growing into great writers but I think Objective is just a little further along than Candy is at the moment but I enjoyed what I read from both great showing

[Pharaohs Army]

Candy
You have a metaphorical way of writing where you pack in phrases and concepts
When you pull it off, it's pretty good. Good "mood" to your pieces.
I'm still having trouble when I come to nonsensical lines that just seem like they could be totally reworded for clarity.
The stencil of them shakes in its stench
Wore then the house prior still sound
Bound losses with unwell of round
Sorry, I'm just lost.
But as a whole verse, like i said the tone and mood were good. got pretty dark.

Objective
Interesting story here. Makes the readers happy that she stuck her greedy relatives.
Pretty good construction & rhymes, apart from a couple areas.
It was a story that held my attention and did just enough to win it this week.

V objective

[Inno]

This is the most I've ever seen candy drop

Candy

You style is unique take pride I that. You are so descriptive in every line and I think that's your strongest attribute as well as your down fall. This was a dope take on the topic but at times I just simply got lost. At times you wrote profound but for the most part you just rambled.

Objective

Another cool take on the topic tbh. Didn't see this Angle cimg so that's good. You painted a picture of a old lady wishing to die cuz her kids or every one around her only wants her for me money. I get that part but I feel like you failed to convince me of that narrative..

Overall

I think if candy was a bit more coherent with his meaning he would of took this i don't think objective did enough to take this battle but since candy failed to bring it all together in the end. Objective takes the win

Objective

[Adverse]

OBJECTIVE WINS 4-0