Week 7 Contendership Match: Just Write vs. Timeless (TIMELESS WINS 4-3)

[asylum]

Season 6

Verses are due SUNDAY 4/17 11:59 PST

Voting ends TUESDAY 4/19 11:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic: With Every Heartbeat


Good luck to both participants.
@Just Write (6-0) @timeless (4-1)

[Just Write]

She was my high school sweetheart, we sat in science together
She stood out, even without that pink hat and bright violet sweater
It felt like Life was better when she was holding my hand
I remember strolling the hallways thinking, "i'm totally the man!"
She'd console when I was sad, but she mostly made me happy
I can't remember a moment where she couldn't hold me and it happen..
This tingly feeling inside, it was such an overcoming rush...
She'd say "it's cute how when I hold you, you always glow and you blush"
She'd rub my nose with her nose, she loved Eskimo kisses
& I knew from day one, I would make her my very own misses
I could see it all, a church, wedding bells, and white picket fences
Some kids and a dog, such a perfect life I envisioned...
& no one could rival her smile, or how brightly it glistened
It was like staring into a diamond and being blinded by prisms
her skin tone was to die for, a bronze caramel complexion
& the way that she smelled.. even the wind garnered her essence.



Now I was far from perfection but she still gave me a chance
& I'm thankful today, for the many ways she made me a man
She taught me responsibility, and how to dress for success
And every Saturday morning she'd make me breakfast in bed,
It's how harmonies kept; we've never neglected loving each other
& With each stage in life we refrained from becoming encumbered
We loved trudging through waters most relationships couldn't swim in
no matter the temptations we never strayed, we stayed faithfully commited
They say love conquers all, well ours had no limits...
It was the real deal, no smoke or mirrors, no part was a gimmick
If your heart isn't in it, then what's it all for?
Nowadays too many marriages consistently end in divorce
But me and my baby were different, destined to be forever a pair
Through thick and thin, we were in it, no regrets or despair
Our affection was there, stong..never replaced
"But despite all of that, some things you can never escape...



I can remember our wedding day, back then it was you and me
Now I'm just trying to get through the pain of writing this eulogy
Through fifty years of love, you still haven't taught me enough
And now, how my hearts bleeding, i feel like I could cough up a lunge
I can remember when It used to be us, now I'm usually sitting alone
Just wishing, or reminiscing about how we use to call this a home
Now it's just stale air and tv dinners late at night, minus the movie
I don't know why but it seems these nights have consumed me
I need something to soothe me.... crying, hands gripping the desk
How do I put into words how my hearts been ripped through my chest?
If you were here right now you'd tell me "it's ok, give it a rest,
Take a break, the words will come to you if you just give it a sec..."
God you were the best... and the only one to fully understand me
I just wish there was a way for me to cope, besides all this brandy..
But as I look to the heavens I'm happy, knowing you live where the stars meet
And until the day i join you, I'll still love you, with every single heartbeat.

[timeless]

.
..
...
....
Sidewinders crossing the field with no caution to yield.
Humanity at a standstill, gazing as it's walking on heels.
Stalking to feel acceptance, left himself alone. He regrets this.
Messages sent with no reply, inside he's feeling breathless.
Tornado without the wind, a man on a self-destructive path.
Heaven-sent, only because he seen that Hell's a fucking trap.
Helter Skelter and love retract, redundant routes traveled.
City of dreams except waking up is among the town's battles.
Drawn out faces, so plain with disgrace and complacent.
Memory adjacent, racing time just to try and erase it.
Polka dot hairline embattled with a receding tide.
Covering the echos of failure inside his depleted mind.
Sky's been reached, high times in defeat, he's bleeding wine.
Drunk off newspaper articles, fine print leaves repeated crime.
Feed the wise, if there's food for thought then he lost his utensils.
Tenfold the reactions, fine line he's crossed with prudential.
Asking too many questions, nodding as he talks with potential.
Fought the resentful, awaiting an upper hand to walk more eventful.
Narrow escape routes wearing him thin, tearing his skin.
Shawshank with a bullet, all pulled through an embarrassing grin.
Even Paris has twins, metropolis set with sufficient borders.
Admission forces the poor into a remissive torture.
So slip your quarters into the slot, maybe a new life will drop.
Second chances with every heartbeat until this crude cycle stops.

[Adonis]

Dub - First off, that first stanza killed me, in a negative way. That shit was mad bubbly and I hated it, though the final 3 bars or so in said stanza killed. This Bitchhhhhhh. For all the flack you give me, did you just say encumbered? HAHAH. *Lung* not lunge. OK, so the bubbles never stopped, but you accomplished what you set out to do. You gave just enough background to muster emotion out of this stone. Though I hate the premise, i commend you for choosing it. This is not a type of verse the average writer can create. This is chalk full of imagery and the small things, emotion and character. You executed the verse perfectly, from top to bottom. Story kept the pace while simple polish, proof reading and editing, truly shined in my eyes. This is an art completely lost on these youths that be "rapping" today. So thank you for doing that for me, dope verse, but considering I knowingly say "dope" yet hated the underlying message and overall concept, well, that should speak volumes. That, and the only thing I can correct is a word or two and two commas, solid writing brethren.


Time - First off Time, let me say, purely from pace of thought and flow stand point of view, this verse is masterful. "Drawn out faces, so plain with disgrace and complacent." Complacent is out of place. I brought this up because I feel I should always point out at least one simple flaw, but the impressive part is I had to dig in order to just find one. I don' know where to begin with this honestly, let me start with you win. You kept up a this A//AB, BC//CC, CD flow precise. I don't know else to explain it beside that. The impressive part is the syllable count. Because you chose to implore such an intense and hard pressed attack, you had to minimize anything that didn't rhyme. Now, I've seen this go one of two ways. Either the flow is on point WITH proper sentences, or the flow is amazing but half the words just don't mean shit phonetically. Yours was the first version, but at an all time great version of it. You had two instances where the wording didn't work but flow kept pace, one of them was a reach on my end, the other, a reach on your end. Either way

You wrote us a memoir where the dude is fucked 7 days from Sunday. Some will say, "You took the polar opposite route of Just Write". I don't think it was premeditated though honestly. I think you crafted this verse piece by piece but let it ride in the end.

V/ Timeless

Over-weight, middle aged bald man with no friends over a love story done the proper way

[Artifice]

Just Write

Damn. This was really well written. Great story all the way through. You covered all the bases of the relationship world, and wove them all nicely into the narrative you structured. If I'm gonna nitpick, i thought

She'd console when I was sad, but she mostly made me happy
I can't remember a moment where she couldn't hold me and it happen..

this couplets rhyme was a little off. The second verse of the piece was the standout to me content-wise. It's dense with the dedication the relationship was built upon. The third verse was cool too, though I found the brandy line didn't do much for me.

Overall it hits all the buttons... a solid write.


Timeless

Fuck. This was dope. I love this kind of piece. Telling a story not in a straight narrative, but as a build up of symbols, concepts, and playing with the language.

Helter Skelter and love retract, redundant routes traveled.
City of dreams except waking up is among the town's battles.
Drawn out faces, so plain with disgrace and complacent.
Memory adjacent, racing time just to try and erase it.
Polka dot hairline embattled with a receding tide.
Covering the echos of failure inside his depleted mind.
Sky's been reached, high times in defeat, he's bleeding wine.
Drunk off newspaper articles, fine print leaves repeated crime.

Fire.

Narrow escape routes wearing him thin, tearing his skin.
Shawshank with a bullet, all pulled through an embarrassing grin.
Even Paris has twins, metropolis set with sufficient borders.
Admission forces the poor into a remissive torture.
So slip your quarters into the slot, maybe a new life will drop.
Second chances with every heartbeat until this crude cycle stops.

You finish the piece off really well. Solid from start to finish.


Really dope battle here... you both came with the heat, but I'm giving it to Timeless here... both solid drops, but (and this may come down to preference/taste) i preferred his verse more. Can see this one going either way though, great work gents.

v/Timeless

[breathless]

JW, really solid piece, a well crafted telling of the classic meet/live/lose love story. Where the take on the topic lacked creatively, the word weavery more than made up for it. I feel like, being that the plot's not being the wow factor, had you focused more on crazy multis and flow this could've been a winner

Timeless - I enjoyed where you took the topic. The way in which you told the story reminds me of trying to tell a mundane series of events while peaking on mushrooms, with less sweat and colors, in a good way. The lyrical aspects were heavy yet not forced, a hard feat to pull off while actually talking about something specific.

Vote - timeless

[NYCSPITZ]

I was feeling the piece by JW I just prefer to read more masculine material from men. Hope this isn't based on a true story cuz then I would really feel like a piece of shit, but mostly our essence is creation and action. That is our urge and it impels us to freedom. Love is cool but it's more the feminine essence IMO and that was 2/3rds of your verse...overkill. I would have liked this piece if Jane Austen wrote it. I liked your visuals toward the end, clenching the desk etc:

Now it's just stale air and tv dinners late at night, minus the movie
I don't know why but it seems these nights have consumed me
I need something to soothe me.... crying, hands gripping the desk
How do I put into words how my hearts been ripped through my chest?
If you were here right now you'd tell me "it's ok, give it a rest,
Take a break, the words will come to you if you just give it a sec..."
God you were the best... and the only one to fully understand me
I just wish there was a way for me to cope, besides all this brandy..
But as I look to the heavens I'm happy, knowing you live where the stars meet
And until the day i join you, I'll still love you, with every single heartbeat.

Nice. I just thought the beginning part was kind of gay to be honest. Eskimo kisses? High school romance imagery, just not my cup of tea. You are a good writer just not feeling the content, I would have maybe liked it if you used omniscient narration. Personal preference. If this was based on a true story I would view it in a completely different light.

Timeless did enough to take this imo. Depth, wording, rhymes on point. Was feeling some of the references like helter skelter was cool. Good shit. Props to both writers.

V/timeless

[Frank]

Just Write..
Just swell... Flowery words with great pacing, sensational story telling. Spot on. Digestible mush. How a 6'5 ex marine can write with such refinement and feeling is applaudable. Each paragraph read like the start of another chapter. The stanzas were outlined effectively transitioning the storyline from one point to the next. Very thematic and thought out in the structure sense. Calculated aapproach. Poem could get the panties wet. It was adorable. It definitely had the aww factor. Know your audience though, Niggaz ain't tryna read that shit.

Timeless...
Dope witnessing you elevate. You are leaps and bounds better. I enjoyed this abstract timeless pendulum swaying verse. 10-12 lines off from being a big body verse, but the ... at the beginning made up for it, sorta.

MVGT Just Write

Utilized the topic more efficiently

[symetrik]

just write - some of the imagery came off... trying to be too polished? not sure. just struck me as weird in some places. my type of content though.

timeless - not a fan. I don't know how y'all flow in your heads but this didn't work for me no matter how slow I went. caught back onto the topic at the end (and all topics are up to interpretation) but I just feel like you weren't on topic for most of it. again, interpretation.

mvgt - just write

[asylum]

mvgt just write because I enjoyed his piece as a whole more, although timeless had some impressive mechanics JW nailed his topic completely. had timeless created a more concrete character i had some kind of connection to and related with, it might've been different. further breakdown in mag.