How you gon' wake up dead?

[Zen]

Nothing’s hard to find if you know what you’re looking for.

At least that’s what I tell myself at the bottom of a bottle while telling every girl that I love her, but that promise is hollow. Forever a loner. I work better as a loner. I talk to myself because I’m the best person I know of.

My girlfriend doesn’t let me eat her pussy anymore. I guess she’s already too consumed with herself. I debated dropping her ass as I watched her womb swell. Then we found it she wasn’t pregnant, and damn I was relieved, because how I could respect any woman who’d wanna make a family with me? An alcoholic, drug addict who can train the kids to open my beer bottles while I go take a piss. But after all, isn’t love tragic?

Maybe it is.

You fall in love and get married, but that rose will hurt.
One of you is gonna die, and you just hope your first.

I watched my mother grieve after my father was dead. I still remember her screams in the hallway with dread. Panicking, I wake up and check Ade obsessively as she lays next to me because I can’t lose her. If I save her she’ll never leave.

But hopefully I go first. Drift off for a nap that I’ll never wake up from. It’s a sad thought, yeah, but forever loves none. At least Dad felt no pain, and history repeats itself. I can only hope that’s how this misery will end so I can sleep in Hell. Pull up at the table with Satan and debate creation and pop culture’s latest rages over hot cocoa and flaming bacon, cause everything’s on fire.

I can only hope
As I wait for it to transpire.

I’d hope for Heaven, but that ship sailed a while ago. Got “saved” at ten because my Dad died, and I wanted to be sure I went to the same place as him. I don’t hope for that anymore, because I know He’d never take me in. My father, I mean, not some fantasy, man. If He could see what I’ve become, his baby, his kid, what would he think of me then?

Self-reflection is dangerous, but I could take it as a gift.
Maybe put in some effort and change what I’ve been.

ahHahaHa

But that ain’t just ain’t happening. I’m too stuck in my ways. Too fucking deranged. My brain’s cracking. I’m turning the page, like, “fuck it, okay!” Lol’ing all the way to madness. Drop the curtains, it’s over, I’m burning the haze till I wake in a casket.