burn in

[Pakistani Hand Cannon]

its always too much when I write…
adjust, muster the might, a rush
let it flux, i aint much for the hype,
too many hang ups - i’d like to trust
but iont trust advice from busters -
light on substance, save it. adjacent -
the light behind your eyes is vacant
you got some nerve; mind the vagus
thoughts don’t equate actions but likely shape it
from where do you state it
when you say im impure?
a stage. don’t pardon the rage -
its part uh the range I explore
still thunder, don’t run away from the storm
stray away from the norms;
pray nobody save me, im spawn.
i write way into dawn,
draw pain on page, its just the way I adorn
take the hate by the horns…
i aint judging, im askin, why the hatred at all?
i know, i knowww, a strange notion.
fight fire with ire & find the pain bolstered.
i know its hard to watch & stay choice-less
we don’t commune with these inner voices
seeking help - but never voice it, direct
& yet we seek to destroy, in contempt
see the poison in self avoidance, what’s left…


look out, im spiraling…
look round, but find within
the self put downs are vile things.
put down the violin. dial in.


who wear a mask tuh hide your face peeling?
who throw rocks & like tuh play victim?
i peered into the psyche, tuh find the great schism.
escapism? or embrace healing?
stranded, how much can you manage? expand it,
self identity boxed in, in fragments.
we take the pure and call it toxic outta anguish
static, slap choronzon outta balance, magick
i see despondence turn to madness…
tragic. be responsive, not reactive.
the former is from a forceful state.
the latter is trauma based - that’s understated, trust
there’s always hurt behind the hatred, you stuck.
stare these demons in the face, “whatchu want?”
& i say it with love;…”you gon have to take it in blood”
…Cause. The. Spirit. Don’t. Falter…
still aint got closure but tell em “come closer”.
i know it’s hard to stay focused
mid summer blood like mid winter, still silver
i don’t do no heart of gold, still let the art unfold ultra
& most these muhfuckas mind control altered
veracity disregarded, heartless, actually retarded
& please don’t confuse the calmness for a absence of capacity for carnage

[Witty]

Yeah, fuck off lol

This was really fucking good.

It made me feel competitive. It made me want to write something better. Maybe I'll try.

You didn't have to spell words incorrectly to dictate the flow. I would have just adjusted how I was reading it but I guess others may not have.

Yeah.

Loved it.

Might write.

Fuck off.

[Witty]

Yep I'm leaving feed twice. Go fuck yourself.

I honestly love this.

This made me want to write.

Thank you.

[Geno]

Damn. Fire my old friend. Fire. This shit is heat

[Mike Wrecka]

Ya this was cool. Comes off super simplistic but actually isn’t. Smooth read.

And ya witty don’t talk about it. Be about it.

[sral]

Fight fire with ire was dope

write more.

[Objective]

Felt it was swag & flow but with actual content within.

Love the transition of tone and development of your piece here:

we don’t commune with these inner voices
seeking help - but never voice it, direct
& yet we seek to destroy, in contempt
see the poison in self avoidance, what’s left…

look out, im spiraling…
look round, but find within
the self put downs are vile things.
put down the violin. dial in.
^Fuck yeah, this shit breeds hope for those in need

[Witty]

Originally Posted by Mike Wrecka

Ya this was cool. Comes off super simplistic but actually isn’t. Smooth read.

And ya witty don’t talk about it. Be about it.

Facts.

I'll put something up soon.

[Witty]

3rd time commenting on this verse. Don't get used to it.

Since I commented a couple of weeks ago I've been back and read this three more times so I think I owe you some proper detailed feedback.

First off, the brevity of this verse was impressive. It seems simple but it's very difficult to do. Only saying what you need to say and nothing more. I have struggled with that enormously and still do. You had no filler. You didn't keep rhyming for the sake of rhyming, every word was relevant and you didn't say anything other than what you needed to and that is something a lot of people don't even notice but it's what separates good pieces from great pieces. Deadman is a master of brevity and it's a HUGE part of what makes him the best to ever do this.

Good writers need 10 lines to say what great writers can say in 2.

In terms of quoting things I liked in this verse, I'd be quoting 3/4 of the verse if not more but the last line 'Please don't confuse the calmness for an absence of capacity for carnage" is absolutely insane. It's perfect. There aren't many writers here capable of creating that line. It's so so fucking dope.

As I said before it would be nice if you didn't misspell words to emphasise accent or encourage us to read a certain way. We are all well versed and seasoned enough to understand how you intended the words to rhyme even while spelled correctly. It just makes your verse looks less polished and more amateurish imo which it shouldn't because it's top quality and up there with the best verses I've read in all my years doing this. I'll remember this verse for a long time.

Thank you.