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Old 06-11-2013, 09:28 PM   #6
Nigma
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: BC, Canada
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Battle Record: 28-20


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Quote:
Originally Posted by IamBenT View Post
We thirsted, accursed and worthless, upon the journey's first leg
Our terse sweat traversed wet across our worried, burnt heads
This horse and I, on a course to die under the desert blaze
For, by misfortune, my extortion try bought me fetters, chains
And if I had a son, I would have this wisdom to bestow:
“Never rob from those above who do not pity those below”...

Solid intro, chill schemes with some nice internals, good mood setter capped off with a thought provoking quote

...Despite the dry death, my eyes met the sly vets alive yet
Rhymes felt forced here
From ***ti plant life to high-swept buzzards who, I bet
Never waste a morsel, …. and when a scorpion races towards you,
You pray this horse'll ignore that black stinging face of sure doom
Nice this was better, gained some momentum with those last 3 lines. Smooth transition and some nice visuals
If only these chains could melt like sand in a glass
With these restraints, I'm held, not standing a chance
And since three days passed like a sigh between lips,
The heat remains the blister of a dying phoenix...
Good attempt at the finishing line, coulda have polished it out to rhyme better imo but wasn't awful

Unending and relentless.. just then this dry riverbed
Reminded me that the life inside of me dribbled dead
As my mind's flicker ebbs, sparks of clarity are quicker sent..
What is it to exist? And can a criminal ever repent?
What is sin? These thoughts sing amidst sandy innocence
That forgets every desperate print this horse'll sadly press...

A bit of plot progession I suppose, nothing noteworthy, good or bad. Pretty average stanza, don't mean that in a bad way

And on the ninth day, tounge as dry as rice cake,
I fly, face down to taste brown grit and pray for my life's sake
That my plight break, and a light shake this life to the next
Frantic to crack this shackle and bash it right to the neck
Every breath is like a knife to the chest, but as I fight this duress..

I realize I'm baptized in..a mightier sweat? This can't be correct..
I smell.. the SEA! A breeze beyond belief sweeps me to my feet
I see the greenest tree, viridian beads that feed underneath
An aquamarine bleeding onto the beach, healing with heaves
I'm screaming with glee! Feeling relief, gorging and guzzling
This desert sea is like a city... gorgeous and bustling..
Redemption! I'm sent to warm joy from cold shame
A sacrifice made by a horse with no name...

Excellent description of the sea, but felt the character finally finding the water fell slightly anticlimactic


The solitude of the sand, the lonely flow of the ocean
Remind me of who I am in its holy torrent of motion
This picture that sits above the steel medical bed
I stare.. till it blares out, and peels, tentacles red
And I'm gone... again from the “desert” to warm “sea”
Kid downstairs, paid him 20 to warn me..
Ride that “horse” for a few, then it's back to the dull...
Until I rave, as the crave hits the crack of my skull
And Deep in my addict's heart, I seek the cathedral window..
And pray each ride is the last.. that it will collapse..
… like the vein I jam the needle into.
Didn't see that ending coming, props for surprising me with that one. Really liked some of the descriptions used throughout, did well painting pictures of the beach, the ocean, and things associated with both. The aquamarine line and scorpion images stuck with me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Adonis View Post



I'm split, Torn with a thorn in the side,
Visualizing thoughts; vivid porn in each rhyme,
I'm fond of this intro
A perplexed sojourn in mind, nimbly striking key's,
Thought provokes chivalry as I'm writing out this beat,
I looked up sojour and learned a new word, thank you.
A hum and a whistle; a skipping stone thrown at a picture,
A most confused muse when knowledge has grown into ripples,
Reaching uncharted depths where writing feeds a ravenous soul,
And the apex is met by gathering accolades from the matter composed,
The hook, line and sinker is the dust storm covering roads,
But I've the cognizance to turn back when the path is exposed,
I posses too much soul for poems, and rap is merely for fun,
So the fine line between withering and full bloom depends on the sun
Will she scorch my leaves? Giving a fine char to my bark,
Or play coy, and send sporadic kisses when clouds part?
I've grown from a bud, sprouted freely in this dream-scape,
The best of both worlds, “Heaven on Earth” is cliché,
I'm well fed in summer rays, my limbs bask on the beach,
The waves sooth my roots as fish devour sap released,
I'm relaxed on beat, a cool breeze in summers eve,
A tranquil verbalist with depth beneath a coral reef,
This line stayed with me for some reason, liked the 'tranquil verbalist' in it.
No story told, no character built from the sand of time,
No twisted plot or killer rhyme, Just swimming thoughts combined,
A dusty dialect or sandy slang; My toolbox will never change,
I build castles using calligraphy, a foreign colloquy exchange,
My currency’s' my words, constructing Disneyland with spit,
A habitual linguist, where monetary value rushes under the bridge,
I exist...Purposefully, I dangle, a covered canvas,
A story told, a vision wrote, a man composed these lovely stanzas,

If rain is food, then pouring sweat into verse is a feast,
And I'll indulge, until my papyrus...
Is a song...in hand written ink.
Adonis, very poetic, each line seemed to radiate depth and meaning. The Disneyland reference had me scratching my head, I don't understand the correlation. Ending was alright, I don't think it was quite as 'profound' as it could have been, wasn't crazy hard hitting but got the job done. Overall this felt more like a freewrite, perhaps time was a factor. I didn't pick up on much progression of the story, but your thought provoking lines made it interesting nonetheless.

The Prognosis
-Adonis, you came with your standard well thought out lines, however I felt you could have spent more time brainstorming before writing to establish a better direction for the verse, and more some time just polishing up the rhyme scheme a bit. It didn't take away from the verse but it could have read a bit smoother then it did. Aside from that you provided an interesting read.
-Bent I enjoyed your rhyme scheme throughout. It was a smooth foundation for your story, which although I found a bit predictable, you did a fairly good job employing imagery to define your verse, at the end of the day I felt more drawn to yours after the read because of that.

+1 Bent
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