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Old 04-26-2015, 11:22 PM   #7
Certain
Mad fucking dangerous.
 
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 12,072
Battle Record: 40-19


Champed
- AOWL Season 3
- Art of Writing League (2x)

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I’m going to give all four verses a much more proper treatment in the championship magazine, so I’m going to be a little brief here.

UnbornBuddha: This was a terrific take on the topic with a lot of really interesting thoughts on morality and the way we perceive ourselves even in our darkest moments. But it also was colorless. It’s tough to tell a story with so little imagery or description because it makes it harder for the reader to connect. I understand the detached nature of the narrator, and I’ve grown to enjoy some of your weird verbiage and verbosity (though your grammar could use serious work), but I think the academic nature of most of the verse made the ending seem unfitting and clumsy, since you tried to transition into more conventional storytelling only for this cliché closer. The leaps you’ve made this season were so impressive, but this is a logical conclusion.

dead man: Really great work here. I think you could have developed that last line a little more tightly, but I enjoyed the narrative voice so much and it made sense to not focus on it. This was a perfect example of speaking from the perspective of the narrator and only the narrator. You let the details explain the bigger pictures and hinged everything on the bitter taste of nostalgia. You’re really hitting your stride as far as melding your freewriting style with storytelling lately, and it’s immense. You remind me of Andre 3000 when you get like this, and he's my favorite rapper.

Vote: dead man
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