NYCSPITZ:
So on my first read I was a little bit lost but after reading it a second time I think I got the grasp of it. It is after all, quite an odd picture to write to.
An evil-sounding guy, the 13th, experimenting with AI and immortality in a building that reminds me of something out of Goldeneye:
We mowed down guards and scientists quick
Ha.
Earlier, I'm not really a fan of the
artificial intelligence/official sentiment rhyme. Doesn't really rhyme. I noticed it because all your other rhymes seem pretty smooth. And I really enjoy the
sudden impairment/ lovely experiment one, so it kind of cancels out.
There appears to be 2 distinct parts of this. Pre-encounter and post-encounter, where he's still hunting him around the globe.
I was a little confused over whether Everyone on Earth gained immortality from the experiment (and if so, how? Because global elites captured it?), or if it was just the main character and his comrades from the mission.
Either way, it was an entertaining read. Like I said it made more sense the 2nd time. And I found your multiple syllable rhymes to be on point and actually the highlight of the piece. There were a few times where you stretched some phrasing to fit a rhyme, but for the most part it was good.
I think you told an interesting story. And good imagery, such as bullets ricocheting off metal. It would be a hard piece to beat, I think.
Scar:
I had a bit of trouble identifying who exactly the
I is and who the
them are. I gather it's the main character and his friends, but it seemed to be shrouded in mystery. Why are they driving on this road? What kind of mission is this?, if any.
“We’re rebels!"
To sum up our respective positions: Vicarious living.
they had parents and siblings. Gifts, trinkets a parent could give,
but would dare to be different. I was the “dare” they were seeking
A street urchin seeking purpose with a need for worth
In them, I see clean sheets, peaceful sleep, leaves that's turning
In me they saw mean streaks, ravines, creeks, a “me” that’s lurking
So the
I is a street urchin and the
them are more or less sheltered kids or young adults. Ah
teens it says later. I think I'm getting a better picture now.
The next stanza contains your best rhyming, the one that starts
“Til the end”
So...the group is looking for adventure but driving precariously along a misty cliff road.
And then the title is expounded upon. You begged them to go HOME, rather than to simply go.
I start to feel connections with the main character when he says
I never had a mom and dad. Never had any warm threads
was born dead, Not literally, metaphors can express the hours left
...
sound of death, rather peaceful. Me? finally in a clean room,
with a shroud and bed. Them? they got to live and die on the edge
The ending seems to reinforce the sentiment that both parties had a symbiotic relationship, with the main character giving the others something they longed for, while the others gave him a glimpse of a different kind of life.
So I must apologize if initially I didn't totally "get" where this was going, but in the end I think I got the grasp of it.
It's good, I just don't think it was quite as good as NYCSPITZ's story.
V NYC