[Adonis]

Baby - grammatically Pertaining to flow, you are all over the place. Periods and commas phonetically disturbed the cadence in this verse. After you rhymed "anymore and love" the flow was compromised. I am not a fan of this because, for me at least, it came off forced and a bit scatter brained. I loved the opening concept where incorporated human anatomy while explaining emotion, but you cut the concept short and posted.


Franker- even though a quarter to six means no sun, the opening bars you chose opened up nicely with imagery.
"blushing red, eyes" for flow or not, your coma kills me. Not my world or preference of content, but affective it was. Captivating, you created a story with world, drawing connections to your character using a topic of now. Solid verse with minor hiccups that could easily be healed with more time

V/frank

More captivating and detailed verse