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Split · 08-15-2013, 01:45 PM

@oats - dope wording throughout. I think your loaded your metaphor with more emotion than it could hold afloat, seemed a little artificial/superfluous towards the end. Introduced more than your verse could justify. I did really like your approach but you needed more lines to deliver. Some really tuff imagery

@Mr. J - wow you really have some sharp rhymes there. Almost imagined Mick Jenkins spitting this. More broken up than I'm used to and some clumsy imagery that didnt quite drive a point home for me

@Vulgar - onyx turrets is surreal. really visceral writing. you really captured the essence of seemingly one-way cyclical nature. dropped plenty of hints, but hindsight= blindside. Cool.

@Genocide - the flaw we'd accept/ future line was dirt nasty. liked the picture you painted, very very Majora's Mask. thought your rhymes got simple toward the end and your wording was a little rough, but dope take on the topic. felt unforced.

@nO gOoD! - straightforward but also a personal connection to the topic that makes a lot of sense. Mad coherent. Didnt like "grain of sand in my hand" idea, thought u coulda said that a lot stronger. Flow was on point. When I went back and read it again I saw how nicely everything fit together. Enjoyed a lot

@Certain Serpent- similar to no good! (I guess yours technically came first) but some parts seem throwaway. "Hardest of acts" and eye in the mirror metaphor missed for me. Interesting reflection between what your mom saw for you and then what you'd become, and then what you thought your mom saw in yourself and how you misinterpreted that, and then how that whole sentence compares to wht you were actually doing. Tied in medium strongly to the quote but there is a lot of inter-connectivity I liked, not the strongest wording in this case but it was good enough. Rhymed well.

@Storyteller - tons of juxtaposition. hurt you in some places and helped you in others. Really caught on to what you were saying to the most part, about having to find yourself having just grown up, having to help these kids grow up and realizing that you were so focused on yourself that you never saw how your parents did it. Realizing that focusing on yourself, isn't really focusing on yourself in a backwards way. Now you gotta grow up as a grown up. A lot of your imagery/ figurative language still completely escapes me as to what you're saying, or seems like you're burying something that you could just come out and show. Nonetheless in the heart of your verse I saw an excellent representation f the topic.

@ill nik-A -this has a massive scope. you used every word well, but at the same time you absolutely had to to tackle the topic the way you did. Feel like you switched subjects or didnt have a clear focus. You did more tell than show and skimmed across an ocean of ideas. Think ur making the reader do more work to pull meaning out is always risky, I like your verses better when they personal. Good mechanics.

@VERITAS lol. cheap humor, mostly awkward. Decent rhyming. You did what you set out to write, which is better than reaching too hard and falling obviously short

@Brian Bryan - the wording to me here is kinda weird, csught myself doing double takes to work out a few parts. Flow was dope. Thought it was a pretty shallow/ hollow verse tho, no hate.

@zygote - okay I get it, that when you stop searching for the sake of searching and instead do something you might think is purposeless, you'll feel empty and fulfilled, and this empty and fulfilled is all that you've been finding in your looking and couldn't explain why.
Conceptually really good and creative, didnt like how you strung it together. Wasnt quite casually rhyming but also wasnt smooth without trying to rhyme. Awkward in between state.

1. nO gOoD!
2. Vulgar
3. Certain Serpent
4. Genocide
5. Veritas

08-15-2013, 01:45 PM	#16
Split . Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 8,904 Battle Record: 27-22 Rep Power: 85899395	@oats - dope wording throughout. I think your loaded your metaphor with more emotion than it could hold afloat, seemed a little artificial/superfluous towards the end. Introduced more than your verse could justify. I did really like your approach but you needed more lines to deliver. Some really tuff imagery @Mr. J - wow you really have some sharp rhymes there. Almost imagined Mick Jenkins spitting this. More broken up than I'm used to and some clumsy imagery that didnt quite drive a point home for me @Vulgar - onyx turrets is surreal. really visceral writing. you really captured the essence of seemingly one-way cyclical nature. dropped plenty of hints, but hindsight= blindside. Cool. @Genocide - the flaw we'd accept/ future line was dirt nasty. liked the picture you painted, very very Majora's Mask. thought your rhymes got simple toward the end and your wording was a little rough, but dope take on the topic. felt unforced. @nO gOoD! - straightforward but also a personal connection to the topic that makes a lot of sense. Mad coherent. Didnt like "grain of sand in my hand" idea, thought u coulda said that a lot stronger. Flow was on point. When I went back and read it again I saw how nicely everything fit together. Enjoyed a lot @Certain Serpent- similar to no good! (I guess yours technically came first) but some parts seem throwaway. "Hardest of acts" and eye in the mirror metaphor missed for me. Interesting reflection between what your mom saw for you and then what you'd become, and then what you thought your mom saw in yourself and how you misinterpreted that, and then how that whole sentence compares to wht you were actually doing. Tied in medium strongly to the quote but there is a lot of inter-connectivity I liked, not the strongest wording in this case but it was good enough. Rhymed well. @Storyteller - tons of juxtaposition. hurt you in some places and helped you in others. Really caught on to what you were saying to the most part, about having to find yourself having just grown up, having to help these kids grow up and realizing that you were so focused on yourself that you never saw how your parents did it. Realizing that focusing on yourself, isn't really focusing on yourself in a backwards way. Now you gotta grow up as a grown up. A lot of your imagery/ figurative language still completely escapes me as to what you're saying, or seems like you're burying something that you could just come out and show. Nonetheless in the heart of your verse I saw an excellent representation f the topic. @ill nik-A -this has a massive scope. you used every word well, but at the same time you absolutely had to to tackle the topic the way you did. Feel like you switched subjects or didnt have a clear focus. You did more tell than show and skimmed across an ocean of ideas. Think ur making the reader do more work to pull meaning out is always risky, I like your verses better when they personal. Good mechanics. @VERITAS lol. cheap humor, mostly awkward. Decent rhyming. You did what you set out to write, which is better than reaching too hard and falling obviously short @Brian Bryan - the wording to me here is kinda weird, csught myself doing double takes to work out a few parts. Flow was dope. Thought it was a pretty shallow/ hollow verse tho, no hate. @zygote - okay I get it, that when you stop searching for the sake of searching and instead do something you might think is purposeless, you'll feel empty and fulfilled, and this empty and fulfilled is all that you've been finding in your looking and couldn't explain why. Conceptually really good and creative, didnt like how you strung it together. Wasnt quite casually rhyming but also wasnt smooth without trying to rhyme. Awkward in between state. 1. nO gOoD! 2. Vulgar 3. Certain Serpent 4. Genocide 5. Veritas __________________ http://split8.yolasite.com Last edited by Split; 08-15-2013 at 01:48 PM.