Thread: WRITE WEEK #2
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Old 08-15-2013, 04:59 AM   #14
Certain
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I'll get this voting started and even break down every verse.

@zygote: At a certain point, you're just trolling us with your flow and rhyme scheme. This simply couldn't be called rap, but it was awesome. My finger kept twitching upward. Fuck, you're in my head. This fit the subject in such a creative way. You're thinking miles ahead of the rest of the salmon in the stream.

@Brian Bryan: You spent too much of this verse dwelling on metaphors and sort of addressing the topic head-on. The story formed out of nowhere and didn't really go anywhere. I think your ambition exceeded your line limitation.

@VERITAS: I thought you sold out with the last line being so direct. I really loved the approach, though. I wish you had upped the lyricism ante a bit, since there were plenty of opportunities for stronger rhymes, particularly internal rhymes. But I thoroughly enjoyed the take.

@ill nik-A: Last week, Genocide won with a verse basically decrying evolution. Now you're anti-science, too? I thought this felt unpolished. Some thoughts weren't quite completed, and some wording could have been smoothed out. But you had a lot of interesting thoughts. My biggest criticism is the head-on attack of the topic.

@Storyteller: I may be interpretted a few lines incorrectly, but the way I read your verse was one of the sense of being trapped, which seemed sort of counter to the topic. I liked a few of the turns of phrase, but some of the rhymes were tortured. You have a lot of strong thoughts, but they don't always connect.

@nO gOoD!: I liked where you went with this verse, but I thought the concept of textceeing as an addiction could have been carried through the verse more. As it stands, the writing is on the simple side, relying on too many straight clichés. But I enjoyed the ending.

@Genocide: Your take this week seemed a little too on-the-nose, but you powered through with really strong rhyming and some awesome images and indivdual lines. Those rhymes mostly felt very natural, too, so I give you a lot of props for pulling off that level of complexity. But I think you could have told your narrative more cohesively.

@Vulgar: It's always a risk to go abstract for a topical battle, but I thought you pulled this off expertly with all the mixed age references. This was the perfect topic for this type of verse, and your crafting was tight. I didn't like the "as you can see, history repeats itself..." because the tie in between "you're it!" and the beginning of the verse was already pretty obvious. Otherwise, this was another very strong verse. I loved "real climbing makes a wrist snap off."

@Mr. J: I was digging your line and wanting to see how you would close it out, then I think the last line just flew right over my head. The flow was cool, and the images worked both metaphorically and literally, which I liked. You've got this natural style that makes your verses buttery but a bit unmemorable, though.

@oats: I thought the verse lost a little bit of momentum as it went, but that's only because the opener was ridiculous. Every aspect of those first five lines was great. As I mentioned in Vulgar's writeup, going abstract in topical situations is difficult, but this topic worked. With that said, I thought your verse lacked the clear cohesion with the topic that his had. This is the best verse in this thread, but the topic must be considered.

Vote:

1. zygote
2. Vulgar
3. oats
4. VERITAS
5. Genocide
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