I like the imagery here, but there is something with the syntax that makes the read somewhat awkward and unnatural. Also, the transitional movement from thought to thought isn't the cleanest so it adds to this discrepancy of syntactic dissonance that I feel. That being said, I see potential if you can expand on the concepts in a more in-depth way to multiply its grip and intensity. I would like to see a unique spin on things, what's your mark and signature. I see words here, but the canvass as you said is blank in regards to flavoring. Make it come alive more.
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