View Single Post
Old 08-13-2019, 05:33 AM   #8
MMLP
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 598
Battle Record: 15-16


Champed
- Write Week 9

Rep Power: 9768087
MMLP has a brilliant futureMMLP has a brilliant futureMMLP has a brilliant futureMMLP has a brilliant futureMMLP has a brilliant futureMMLP has a brilliant futureMMLP has a brilliant futureMMLP has a brilliant futureMMLP has a brilliant futureMMLP has a brilliant futureMMLP has a brilliant future
Default

Witty –

“The smoke swirls through the air with a rhythmic elegance
Mystic, nebulous...mysterious...almost cryptic, delicate
With an intrinsic eminence, a right to belong” jesus Christ that’s good…. I wouldn’t start verses like this personally cuz you’ve set a bar I dunno if youll be able to keep it up with LOL
Yeah its such a good read, you make it look so simple, not many come to close in that regard, we need a match up sometime ha! storytelling here was on point, never wanted to stop reading, had to find out what was going on here!!! Sounds stupid but I think the only thing that could hurt you, is the simplicity (how it looks) of your work, so effortless, it makes it look easy, which it obviously isn’t.
Brought the character to life, nice twist… reminds me of the puppet verse me and lars did a few years back (almost wanna link and give a shameless plug lol). Good job




Blue –
“roaring chants of the wicked steady graspin the pickets
proclaiming a loyalty to armed forces so wrathful and vicious
crafted the wishlist then sat back to plant the division
between allies and those he left behind in fragments of stitches
a planet of bridges, all burned to the cold earth as ashes emitted” wow, another rip roaring start ha, niceee…

The first part was dopeee, loved the direction and really thought it was leading to something very dark and morbid and had me hooked throughout, only criticism (and its nit picking) is that I wish you carried the same multi string throughout (first paragraph) , that would of stood out so weeellll, but I appreciate how hard it is to do whilst controlling the narrative
second part… ahh tailed off just a little, meh, still good but probably not as engaging as the previous, the overall message was fine, it tied in well. Endings are probably on par with each other tbf
but reading the last paragraphs of each verse and the difference is there to see imho..

Witty gets this, I was slightly more engaged in his throughout, I really liked reading these, great technical ability shown by u both. Salute
MMLP is offline