[Scar]

good showing, witty.

The smoke swirls through the air with a rhythmic elegance
Mystic, nebulous...mysterious...almost cryptic, delicate
With an intrinsic eminence, a right to belong
Creating an atmosphere you simply can't write in a song
As I stand behind it almost lifeless, just vibing along
My voice sings in dulcet tones, but my mind is withdrawn
As I sing the final note and hide behind the applause
I try to respond, I try to be Mr. Humble and Mr. Polite
Instead..I exit stage, and stumble in to the night
As I wander..I wonder if there's a light, a glimpse or a sight
That might put and end to this miserable plight
My limitless fight, my eternal woe
When is it my turn to go? Let me fade to black...
...but before I do that, let me take you back.

very ethereal imagery in the beginning. i especially love the "dulcet tone" voice desctription. the ending of that stanza had this old school dreamy harp sound to it somehow lulz. something like this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEuFMOyr6JQ
the latter half of the verse had too many pronouns (I's and My's especially) which isn't really a big deal but it affects the overall polishness, to me.

Fellow slaves were given the task of dragging me up
Making me strong, so I could make my master a buck
They would beat us, broke us...we were defeated, hopeless
And yet we stood on our feet and sang just to keep us focused
We were feeding our souls though our stomachs were growling
And the peace that arose was something astounding
God gave me a voice...so I sang while praising his grace
I sang while I was shackled, and I sang the day I escaped.

cool followup to the last verse. the imagery and scene seemed very familiar as i think it borders on cliche in this context. had a very optimistic vibe about it which was cool.

I ran for days, this and that-a-way, in a baffled haze
Bedraggled, crazed with an addled brain
Saddled with anguish, pain...a vast malaise
Until one day...I just stopped...I sat and prayed
I begged God for help, as I lay sore on the pavement
And as I cried, he came to me in the form of a Raven
He asked me my wishes, why do I plea for grace?
I said "All my life I've been placed in grievous states
I've watched demons deceive us, and heathens hate
All I want is to sing, to share my voice with the nation
And take over the hate in a joyous invasion"
His answer was straight, and he stated it clearly
"Your voice will carry the weight of the weary"
He continued to warn that with art comes a price
There was no secret clause, it was honest, concise
The Raven is my guardian which he leaves to me
And only when it flies away will I cease to be.

love the carry weight of the weary" line. thats how you do alliteration in my humble opinion. natural. the raven/god/guardian thing didn't seem to fit the tone of this verse. it seemed very grounded prior, then it shifted into the fantastic. not sure how i feel about that.

So forward I burst with hope in my mind
My soul in the sky, frozen in time
I packed the bars, I owned the stages
My laughing heart was so contagious
At the start my throne was stainless
I attacked the dark, disposed of greyness
The ladies swooned, the fellas cheered
Each latest tune was well revered
I sang through war and peace, day after day
I saw everyone I love aging, and fading away
As time crawled on, and I sang with the best
I began to live every day in anguish, depressed
I'm isolated, I sing in the dark, seen but concealed
Living in fear in case my secret's revealed
I love bringing joy to the hearts of the people
But I've seen the whole world, the darkness, the evil
It tires me so, I hope soon the Highest will beckon
Open the door to my peace, invite me to heaven
I never thought I'd see the day I'd be choosing to die
But it doesn't matter what I want...
...this Raven refuses to fly.

i take issue with the "forward i burst" line. it read unnaturally. but after that - god damn it was fire. somber ending man. great use of irony. the raven blessed him with all he desired only for him to find that thing "absolute" anything is for the stupid bird by the stupid bird lulz.

blue, this was very good.

roaring chants of the wicked steady graspin the pickets
proclaiming a loyalty to armed forces so wrathful and vicious
crafted the wishlist then sat back to plant the division
between allies and those he left behind in fragments of stitches
a planet of bridges, all burned to the cold earth as ashes emitted
now hazardous cancers rip through the masses with sickness
the tact is religious backed by a plan that’s mapped within digits
coded solely by the souls controlling gadgets & switches
central populous trapped within such rancid conditions
until they bandwagon with the bad & abandon the mission
the fascists had risen, attacked and ran into tragic collisions
their insolent landscape crashing under the hatch of some fission
transport a passage of prisms, the door a portal to stand within
morbid pacts of sin, throats of the angels slashed with pins

the plant hte division/fragments of stitches couplet was insane. normally i don't care for the same rhyming all the way through but i think what made it work here was the actuallt rhyme selections and the wording. "hatch of some fission" was a bit forced though.
& thus the act begins,

the bastion blood red in the distance under the horizon sits
they uprised in fits but it was apparent early on they only fight to quit
ignite & then out the godless abyss evil entities take over mind’s intent
drafting innocent soldiers, convertin them for worship despite the sin
silence awoke then black galactic dust unzipped the sky
gathered disciples with bibles but we tore and cast the prints aside
witness blind but watched from a visitor’s path of view
thats when good and evil divided, the galaxy's axis split in halves of two
divinity & his bandit crew discarded though survivors remained
that’s what spawned the holy ghost and the liars today
the foe empire decayed thawed frozen minds with the flames
evil’s temple ruined, decomposed it's whole design with grenades
no longer idle enslaved, good prevails against the deadliest mind work
God watches at every divine turn a never ending designer
so remember next time your tempted to empty the fire..
all lose the goodness in faith sometimes, we just need a friendly reminder

that bible line was awesome. the flow and rhyming was impeccable honestly. wording was great most of the way but "deadliest mind work" was very weird. the verse seems to be very politically charged but well hidden in poetic devices. i can't tell which sides you are advocating for but what i like about this verse was the kinetic energy of it. there were many themes running concurrently like military, good and evil, identity, separations, perspective. it was all done with panache. kudos.

witty had a great story that seem to follow the deal with the devil adage with a clever summation to irony. blue had a fiery voice that was relayed with wonderful imagery and elegant phrasing. I casting my vote to Blue because i simply enjoyed the voice of his piece more. witty verse was great too but while reading it, i can't help but feel that i've read it before. blue almost lost it for me because the connection between verse and picture was so minute but the picture showed a musing of sort. his verse certainly had a high degree of contemplation dressed in metaphor.