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Old 10-26-2016, 06:12 PM   #12
Soulstice
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Vulgar

Liked the imagery behind igniting parchment in the night as a type of guiding light. Started out with sharp descriptions of humanity collective mental decline but it got sort of forced with wording like ‘conspiracies to leak’, and ‘google eyed beasts’ (Im not sure if I’m missing a reference there).I guess people aren’t fucking either which seems also out there and out of place. Maybe its not intelligence thats being diminished but all forms of humanity and animalistic instinct. (after a few reads I determined this is out of place)

Your return to form in the imagery departing started around “sweating bodies draped over misshapen shelves” and you maintained high-level language and topical concepts through “greek lyceum”, “Jive with the band” , “snot nosed bunch” and skkkkrted a little bit at “eugenics experiment”. describing the boys eyes was dope and poignant. wish you got more into the imagery nature of this cinematic disaster and kind of meshed it with your vulgar-esque imagery and the overarching concept in other ways. what ways? i don’t know, you’re the one writing in the finals.

What is this to me? A bunch of humans being dumb and ignoring literature. Ned is a metaphor for an impassioned auteur, and the zombified humans are people who just like don’t get it man. Content to consume other forms media that are not high art, not classic works, not groundbreaking forms of literature, specifically (re: LITERARY messiah). The kid knowing what a book is is kind of a reference to him meeting someone who might have similar interests, but alas, one who might share similar interests might ‘prefer to keep their hat and coat on’, rather than get comfortable, get in and out quick to rejoin the zombified rat race of modern popular media. cool.

Curtain

Flow was dooope. Kind of not your calling card? Didn’t get occam’s razor, I guess that the chapters that ended were inevitable for obvious reasons. I’ll award you half a point for that. So this verse is divided into 2 halves. The first introducing the metaphor of a woman which flowed spectacularly and was very cute but I’m not sure how much it delivered to the final product. Then you ‘wander under the cover of night’ and the second half begins. You dropped a lot of references to famous works of course, and the ending line was cool. It’s sort of like a double meaning to me - considering your favorite works and characters live on beyond the final period of the final sentence, and maybe, if we squint hard enough, the ending to chapters of our lives doesn’t have to be an ending, and hopefully we’ll meet again. cool double meaning (to me)

vote

So certain first half was generic, the second half he put solid effort in to and executed well. there was a lot of stuff that didn’t drive toward what i thought was the real point(s) of his verse. vulgar ebbed and flowed with fantastic description and then kind of eh imagery.

I will vote vulgar, for building toward his metaphor the best. in a case where both concepts were equally good. certains mechanics were better but it sacrificed content imo.
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Originally Posted by asylum View Post
? subtly? what the fuck is a subtly? i dont know what that is. can someone help me out?
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