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Adonis · 10-17-2016, 09:59 PM

Vulgarity

First read on first stanza and all I'm picturing is people on their phones at the dinner table having conversations with people they've never met across the world instead of conversing with their own family while eating. Gripping opening though, that's the gist. We can only Nitpick in the finals, and your story threw me a loop, not too far after you emphasized the laziness in human nature, specifically mentioning how humanity has forgotten how to walk up, they are suddenly kicking in the door for the reading... seems they do climb stairs, which makes a couple bars of this verse confusing, plot wise. FML, I'm not deleting it but you clearly covered them tracks by sliding in "awaiting DOWN there".

OK, so interesting concept, I am Legend meets idiocrocy. I enjoyed the story, though not much was going on action wise, I can look past that because the detail you did incorporate were enough. I liked the use of the invisible man, but using it as the premise felt a bit cheap, though that is on the most minuscule level ever. This verse had depth but sorely lacked action and pizzaz if I'm honest. This verse is solid, but def not one of your better works, yet, still better then most of my shit ever.

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Certainty

Preface perfume, whisper of poetry. Really this don't make sense, which makes it very good writing, because it makes perfect scents, see what I did there? Loved that bar though chief. Good concept, reminds me of a longer less direct cimmerian verse. I'm not sure about the underlying meaning though my man. To me, it's just a verse about a girl who walks in a room, distracts the writer, and leaves him not wanting to finish the book because the beginning; the scent of beauty; was so captivating. Solid verse though

I will be honest and say I am not much a fan of either verse, but they were both written well. Vulgars lacked that flair while certain went conceptual, a women and booze, but didn't leave his verbal footprints or bread crumbs out in the open.

v/ Vulgar

tough to beat a verse that is twice as long, it was close, but in the end, Vulgar did enough conceptually to slightly edge this out IMO

10-17-2016, 09:59 PM	#6
Adonis Tsk Tsk Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Beer Goggles Posts: 4,834 Battle Record: 36-34 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - NFL Pick'em 2016-17 Rep Power: 9946446	Vulgarity First read on first stanza and all I'm picturing is people on their phones at the dinner table having conversations with people they've never met across the world instead of conversing with their own family while eating. Gripping opening though, that's the gist. We can only Nitpick in the finals, and your story threw me a loop, not too far after you emphasized the laziness in human nature, specifically mentioning how humanity has forgotten how to walk up, they are suddenly kicking in the door for the reading... seems they do climb stairs, which makes a couple bars of this verse confusing, plot wise. FML, I'm not deleting it but you clearly covered them tracks by sliding in "awaiting DOWN there". OK, so interesting concept, I am Legend meets idiocrocy. I enjoyed the story, though not much was going on action wise, I can look past that because the detail you did incorporate were enough. I liked the use of the invisible man, but using it as the premise felt a bit cheap, though that is on the most minuscule level ever. This verse had depth but sorely lacked action and pizzaz if I'm honest. This verse is solid, but def not one of your better works, yet, still better then most of my shit ever. ========================= Certainty Preface perfume, whisper of poetry. Really this don't make sense, which makes it very good writing, because it makes perfect scents, see what I did there? Loved that bar though chief. Good concept, reminds me of a longer less direct cimmerian verse. I'm not sure about the underlying meaning though my man. To me, it's just a verse about a girl who walks in a room, distracts the writer, and leaves him not wanting to finish the book because the beginning; the scent of beauty; was so captivating. Solid verse though I will be honest and say I am not much a fan of either verse, but they were both written well. Vulgars lacked that flair while certain went conceptual, a women and booze, but didn't leave his verbal footprints or bread crumbs out in the open. v/ Vulgar tough to beat a verse that is twice as long, it was close, but in the end, Vulgar did enough conceptually to slightly edge this out IMO __________________ I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR Last edited by Adonis; 10-17-2016 at 10:13 PM.