Netcees - View Single Post - XI WK III: Universe (2-0) vs. Frank (0-0) (UNIVERSE WINS)

Pharaohs Army · 12-26-2022, 09:31 AM

got a vote @timeless?

What an exciting dichotomy.

We have Universe, where it's not enough to rhyme one stanza. We're going the entire piece again guys! This sarcasm is not to disparage; It's actually quite impressive that it's something you're normalizing.
Regarding that, I guess I would just say this:... in your honest opinion are there 1-2 lines in there that can just be cleaned up SO much... fit & descriptive, that could sacrifice an end-rhyme or 2? In other words, an entire piece rhyming end-rhymes is impressive, but what if a few end rhymes were different but there was some cleaner phraseology or a better story on 1 or 2 of those lines?... If not, great,, and the clean rhyme throughout is a "given", while the other stuff you do naturally.. But if SO, or if Maybe, just think about it as a philosophical writing question... There are a FEW rhyme-reaches here...you are polished and practiced so there aren't a lot...which is impressive.
Your bars don't LOOK long to the eye but they definitely ARE long... not a knock just something I noticed compared to your previous pieces.. and by that I also mean longer/slower rhymes..
Story-wise I thought your personalization (not even a word)... Personification was great. Of Kobe's daughter and her POV. Impressively written.
Description/Imagery/Story of the crash, etc. All there...
About my only knock is that you could have maybe done this with about 2/3rds or 3/4ths the lines.. I don't want to stifle creativity or length but that's basically my only knock on this piece. I thought we could have got the same thing out of a little bit shorter. WELL DONE

Then we have Frank, with the ultimate Onomatopoeia piece!
Lol, I loved the tons of rhymes for the MOST PART... There were a couple reaches for phonetic purposes (up for the "Re", few others)... I thought the set/setting was described well, as well as the game situation and what transpires in the game...

Loved the off-center font near the end where the it doesn't matter which line the reader looks at first because they are rhyming & related, lol.

This was exciting for what it was. Your own standards may work against you here as, I think, if you spent a bit more time you'd come up with something longer to compete with Uni's detailed verse which had a big length advantage and was well-written enough for Uni to take the W... But as was said, Frank this piece was mad cool and rhymey. Just not the winner this week...

Nice job both.

12-26-2022, 09:31 AM	#11
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,962 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	got a vote @timeless? What an exciting dichotomy. We have Universe, where it's not enough to rhyme one stanza. We're going the entire piece again guys! This sarcasm is not to disparage; It's actually quite impressive that it's something you're normalizing. Regarding that, I guess I would just say this:... in your honest opinion are there 1-2 lines in there that can just be cleaned up SO much... fit & descriptive, that could sacrifice an end-rhyme or 2? In other words, an entire piece rhyming end-rhymes is impressive, but what if a few end rhymes were different but there was some cleaner phraseology or a better story on 1 or 2 of those lines?... If not, great,, and the clean rhyme throughout is a "given", while the other stuff you do naturally.. But if SO, or if Maybe, just think about it as a philosophical writing question... There are a FEW rhyme-reaches here...you are polished and practiced so there aren't a lot...which is impressive. Your bars don't LOOK long to the eye but they definitely ARE long... not a knock just something I noticed compared to your previous pieces.. and by that I also mean longer/slower rhymes.. Story-wise I thought your personalization (not even a word)... Personification was great. Of Kobe's daughter and her POV. Impressively written. Description/Imagery/Story of the crash, etc. All there... About my only knock is that you could have maybe done this with about 2/3rds or 3/4ths the lines.. I don't want to stifle creativity or length but that's basically my only knock on this piece. I thought we could have got the same thing out of a little bit shorter. WELL DONE Then we have Frank, with the ultimate Onomatopoeia piece! Lol, I loved the tons of rhymes for the MOST PART... There were a couple reaches for phonetic purposes (up for the "Re", few others)... I thought the set/setting was described well, as well as the game situation and what transpires in the game... Loved the off-center font near the end where the it doesn't matter which line the reader looks at first because they are rhyming & related, lol. This was exciting for what it was. Your own standards may work against you here as, I think, if you spent a bit more time you'd come up with something longer to compete with Uni's detailed verse which had a big length advantage and was well-written enough for Uni to take the W... But as was said, Frank this piece was mad cool and rhymey. Just not the winner this week... Nice job both.